I’m in my late 20s (ok, almost 30 lol) and ready to settle down. I am dating around and generally getting a feel of what I want in a husband. None of them particularly stand out. The one who is my type to the T and with whom I seem to have the most spark is not settled with a stable job. The one who has a stable job isn’t as attractive as I have dated or am used to but he’s very intelligent, caring and is really into me. The one whose family I love is too short and there’s no spark. They all seem serious and I feel a bit like a deer in headlights….very confused. I feel like if I marry anyone of them, I’ll be settling but my friends have called me “silly” and “ungrateful”. Your advice?
Thank you for writing Dear Nwavic at email@example.com. Your question begs the question, what does it really mean to settle? The first step is owning the fact that not everyone gets that instant storybook fairytale connection then lives happily after. Everyone’s love story is differently detailed. As a matter of fact, not everyone who has that instant connection lives happily ever after and vice versa. I know women who were repulsed by their now-husbands on first-meet but now think the world of them.Remember, in the old times parents found spouses for thier children and they learned to live happly ever after. While that method has long-standing flaws, a good number of our grandparents stayed the course and had happy marriages.
I say this to say, no one is perfect. While attraction is important, there are more important qualities that make a good husband like I noted in my 7 keys to finding a good husband post. For e.g., it is not about marrying someone with the most stable job at the moment. It requires a deeper analysis as to why he doesn’t have one. Is he looking or just lazy? As for the second one, “not as attractive as I’ve dated or used to”. You definitely don’t want to compare your future with your past. If “attractive as I’m used to” was a ‘marriable’ standard, you won’t be currently single. There has to be more…
A column I regularly read and often repost tackled something similar recently. In her response, Carolyn Hax said in situations like this, one way to gauge the keeper vs. the loser is whether your appreciation for someone is growing vs. diminishing. If so, giving him a chance and time is worthwhile. Other ways to tell if you are settling is if you feel easily irritated by your partner, see them a safety net or have a laundry list in your head of things you’d like to “fix” about them.
More so, you’re not settling unless you are giving up something you deeply value in a relationship just for companionship or to buy into the outdated idea that being 30 and unmarried is a death sentence.
Stop putting yourself under unnecessary pressure. Don’t marry any of them just yet. Take marriage talk off the table for now and date. Give it time and see if anything changes. Don’t rush into anything you’re not ready for. Keep an open mind, be prayerful and patient. The one who is meant to be yours will stand out and when he does, you’d know it. If it doesn’t, then hold out for your “one”. Sometimes, just like with acquiring wealth, the best kind of love lasts when it gradually grows, grows and just keeps growing.
I hope this helped!
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