A Letter to My Ex


Dear Ex,

It’s such a shame that we’re communicating this way but yet I feel it’s for the best. How’s the family? Look at me being all civil and whatnot. You see I can ask about your family, not that you gave two shits about mine despite I might add being the first guy I let meet my mum or the fact that I was never really allowed to hang with your family.

Remember the time, you asked me ‘does my family like you?

I lied…they didn’t. My cousin and I both thought you were a wannabe-weed smoking- Wizkid-Da Grin- look-alike but I loved you anyway regardless.

How’s the job hunting? Hope you’re still not ‘hustling’ which is what you used to tell me all the time. I can allow ‘hustling’ when you’re 18 but at the age of 25, 28, 30 or whatever your Nigerian age is, it kind of borders on sad. I mean if ‘hustling’ was another word for ‘419’ you could’ve just said. You used to say you were going to own a studio and start renting it out, I used to believe all your bullshit, thank GOD I left that religion eh?

I miss our outings together like the cinema, the same damn ass restaurant, the dingy weed house and your mum’s house. Such unoriginal places but yet you were still the ‘Baddest Boy’ repping it for…well…for someone I guess…certainly not me.

Remember the time we got thrown out of that nightclub because you were supposedly defending my ‘honour’ when really you just wanted to beat someone up because you got stupidly drunk and I’d never felt more embarrassed than I did that day, thanks for that great memory.

Oh my gosh, how could I forget your scum of the earth, work shy, careerless friends with no ambition other than to choose their next baby mother and slyly look down my cleavage when you weren’t looking. How are those great bunch of people?

I do miss you though even when you used to expect oral sex, but never wanted to give ever!  I never really got that but I guess I do now…you were just plain selfish.

I loved the loyalty and trust we had in our relationship. You used to sleep at your exes and then lie about it and then I would catch you out. I’m going to miss that game, me crying on the phone and you lying the whole time, such fun we had!

Or the time, I saw a hello kitty purse at your place and you claimed it was your sisters but call it woman’s intuition, I knew it wasn’t. If I remember correctly you used to like your girls young.

We’ve been through lot together, good and bad memories, mostly bad but ahh well. We loved each other right?

No, that’s wrong, I loved you but you ‘cared’ about me despite everything I did for you like helping you find your own place, lending (giving) money because once again, you just had to ‘pop’ that champagne in the clubs and this is the one that probably hurts the most.

Losing my virginity to you because you claimed if I did, it meant that I cared about you and then you had the balls to say after we had sex that I couldn’t have been a virgin? Really?

Thanks for everything,

You’re now turned to a lesbian ‘Ex’


Karma’s a bitch….


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