DISCLAIMER: Please note that this piece of writing is pure fiction and is in no way an actual part of the PHCN Code of Conduct (as far as the author knows). This is for reading pleasure only and the author accepts no liability whatsoever!! BTW if you work for PHCN…lighten up, life’s full of laughs…especially at oneself. In any case, if you don’t have a sense humour then you must be very sad.
POWER HOLDING COMPANY NIGERIA (LTD) GUIDELINES
Dear New Employee,
We at Power Holding Company Nigeria Limited (PHCN Ltd) would like to heartily welcome you into the folds of our prestigious organization. We are quite informal here and would like to think of you as a new member of the PHCN family! As a result we feel it imperative to arm you with a few tools and guidelines so as to make your stay with us as pleasant and productive as possible.
We are quite aware of the level of malice and malcontent being spewed from the general public upon our shoulders but we believe that as great men and women we must carry great burdens! We take great pains to provide the public with electricity 24 hours a day and do not see why they spend all their time complaining. Now, let us get to the root of this brochure.
Below are some easy steps to take to safeguard yourself and make your stay with us as pleasant as possible:
•Ensure that you have a healthy dislike for people and mankind in general. You cannot operate in the PHCN family with ease if you have philanthropic tendencies. Please when conversing with customers endeavour at all times to be rude, aggressive and ignorant of the issues at hand. If all else fails, threaten the offending party with electricity seizure or cuts. However, do take note of the size and number of offenders present as the situation may degenerate and they may quickly become your assailants if proper care is not taken.
• Physical dexterity and endurance is required in this job (except at the higher managerial levels, where then you can give way to growing corpulence and the sedentary lifestyle). At your junior level it is imperative that you have lower body strength as you may be required to run from irate customers, youths, mobs and enraged dogs set upon you by their equally enraged owners. Also you will require upper body and core strength as you may end up hanging on a PHCN pole for hours after a mob of furious youths pull your ladder from under you as you are disconnecting their electric wires.
• Please under no circumstances should you ever find yourself in the vicinity of a pub, clubhouse or gathering place where a football match is being watched. In the event that the electricity goes off in the middle of the match you will be instantly singled out and set upon. If you are lucky, they will not turn you into a human torch and if not…well, let us not dwell on unpleasant things.
• You must ensure that all your teeth are intact and shining at all times! We cannot stress the importance of this enough: when trying to explain to customers, you must smile a lot. Your smile does not have to be sincere or kind; just make sure your 32s are glowing. In this case, the larger your teeth, the better. We will in fact give promotions based on size and wattage of smile!
• When explaining meter readings and bills use a lot of terms such as ‘wattage’ and ‘high tension wire’ and ‘Volt load’ and ‘cubits per second’. It doesn’t matter how ignorant you are in the matter: just keep talking until you have your customer in an utter state of confusion and distress…then proceed to cut his wires. In the event that the customer is right, you need not worry: they can’t sue PHCN but they most certainly have to pay a reconnection fee! The reconnection fee is negotiable and can be formulated by you and your team according to the going rate of pepper soup and big stout in the local pub. You can then assemble after work hours with the said team to split your proceeds. Remember: the higher levels of management are to be informed about all proceeds and given their own share. Failure to do so will attract a stiff penalty.
• Please when trying to woo a lady, do not inform her of your occupation and employment with PHCN until much later in the course of the courtship. She will be less likely to turn you down then. Ladies seem to have a rather puzzling reaction when finding out that their potential suitors work for PHCN. Terms such as ‘Tufiakwa!’, ‘PHCN?!!GOD forbid bad thing…’, ‘Over my dead body…me and PHCN!!’ seem to be quite prevalent among them. In that case, pay them no mind. After all one cannot cast pearls before swine. They have no idea what it means to work for an organization with such prestige and honour. If you are a lady and working for PHCN…please ensure that you are married prior to becoming a part of our family. Although it has not been subject to scientific proof we find that we have a rather high number of spinsters of a certain age working for us.
• Our motto is: when in doubt, DO! Do cut the wires if you think the customer is being impertinent. Do yell back at the customer if he yells at you. Do charge exorbitant fees for reconnection when you cut the wire. Cut first, ask questions later!
• Always ensure that your entire team is in the van with you while you are patrolling your turf…all 17 of you. There’s power in numbers and the more you are in number, the more helpless the customer. However, when entering a compound please take care to listen carefully to the bark of the dog (s). If it is deep and gruff they are likely to have well fed Rottweilers, Dobermans and/or Alsatians: all of which seem to have a genetic dislike for PHCN staff. If the bark is hollow and tinny: never fear, those would be insignificant mongrels. However it would be frivolous for us not to mention that dogs and PHCN staff do not mix so you are to avoid them at all costs. We would also advise you to stay away from cats, geese, cockerels, snakes, spiders, parrots, crocodiles and goldfish as safety around such animals has not yet been determined.
Thank you once again for joining our prestigious company. We hope that you have a pleasant and hopefully long stay with us. Please bear in mind that PHCN is not liable for any loss of life or limb while in the course of doing the job. We do not offer any insurance coverage of any sort in the event of the former. If you are dispatched to the next life while in our service…we shall offer a prayer for you and drink to your memory after closing hours at our local burukutu joint.