Tags Posts tagged with "Relationships"

Relationships

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In Nigeria there is a stigma that comes from being unwed. Especially when you reach a certain age. Especially when you are a female. When these two instances happen to coincide you are usually deemed a lost cause, you become the subject of many a prayer and the object of many a pitying glance. The lack of that three-letter title, “Mrs.” affords you disrespect, sympathy and even prophesies of doom.

In Nigeria a man is seen as a woman’s shield, her shelter, her protector; and when one does not possess this armor one is open to attacks both of misguided kindness and downright cruelty. Religious individuals, of which Nigeria is full, say prayers for you, drag you from shrine to pulpit and introduce you to many a pastor hoping that someone can break the “curse.” There are talks of what you may have done wrong
in the past to evoke this present tragedy, there are speculations as to whether you were too picky – either by being too superficial or seeking something too substantial back when you were a “spring chick(en)” and how you are to blame for your current situation. There is much ado about nothing.

Although the topic generates much discussion and much revenue (through the production of movies, the traffic on radio talk shows and advice columns, etc.), all the hurrah and the panic are baseless. Congregations hardly need to go up in spiritual arms, nor do families need to fall down in grief. Self-hate and regret need not be woven into a noose around the single person’s neck. There may be a stigma,
but being single is certainly not a curse and there is no need to pick apart one’s family lineage or attempt to identify the demon that must first be exorcised before one can enter a state of holy matrimony – most times single is just single.

Perhaps one is single because they are set in their ways and those they have met would more likely compete with them than complete them. Perhaps the individual would rather make life choices without having to weigh them against the plans and passions of another. Perhaps the person would rather not compromise, commit or cater to another in that fashion. Perhaps the person has loved and lost and is unable
or unwilling to love again in that manner. Perhaps someone does not want to settle for less than love and has not come across his or her “better half” yet. Whatever the supposition, the fact remains that being single does not come from the devil and marriage is not synonymous with being blessed or divine or better off.

There are many marriages that end in divorce, death or destruction and when people are attempting to shove you down the aisle they tend to gloss over that part. There are many unmarried situations that end in self-fulfillment, Then again there are marriages that indeed embody “marital bliss” and lead to the creation of the “ideal family.” It all comes down to the individuals within the institution. It is
important to bear in mind that all relationships are atypical and unique – there is not one kind of marriage, just like there is not one kind of single. The right to choose exists for less life altering/ending decisions than Roe vs. Wade, and the right to be married or single is indeed at the discretion of the individual.

No two individuals will travel along the same exact life journey, and just because someone may not be on the same path as you that does not mean they are lost. Just because they may have passed the fork in the road towards “Marriage” and gone straight on their single journey does not make them a pariah or a prayer point.

There is only one time for marriage – the right time. When the two adults who are packing up their individual hearths and homes to become joined as one feel the time is right, then the time is right. No sooner. No later. Ageing does not equate the need to wed. There is no rush. There are talks of biological clocks ticking as a major excuse, but what argument is there for bringing a child into a potentially unhealthy
family? There is none. Marriage can wait and sometimes it can just be thrown out of the equation of an individual’s life completely.

Why do I feel like a traitor to the nation for speaking on this?

I understand the beauty of what God intended with the institution of marriage, and am keenly aware that ‘he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour with the Lord,’ but that does not mean it must be a chapter in the lives of all and sundry. There are so many unhappy singles, not because of their status but because of the pressure that comes along with it, because others are hovering over their
ovaries and counting down their fertile eggs as the years pass by. Then again there are so many miserable marriages that were the result of someone else’s opinion or urging, marriages that rob one of their peace of mind and leave their self esteem in pieces. And we all know that once one weds in Naija, the popular follow up is till death do them part – despite extreme depression or dysfunction that may take up
resident in the unhappy home and lead to the individual dying a thousand deaths inside.

I am all for being wed…or not. I just want the former to be formed on the terms of those signing the certificate and no one else. We all have a right to choose. Don’t be cornered into the argument of “you are getting old” or “you are being too picky.” There is always the single life and all sorts of variations of an existence; there is late marriage, there is adoption, etc.

A marriage certificate will not buy you peace of mind or contentment; and the approval of those who were urging you to enter into the institution surely will not be enough to give you that “happy ever after.”

By Zeni St. John

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What???!!??

Are you being serious? How is being a side chick better for you? What type of garbage am I reading?

Bear with me please. In no way am I condoning being a side chick, but there are plenty of woman out there who are side chicks, probably more than we’d like to believe.

If you are a main chick, don’t read on, this article would only cause you confusion and pain.

Anyone who reads my articles knows I love my numbers….so here it goes… 8 ways in which being a side chick is better for you!

  1. He doesn’t lie to you, now don’t get me wrong, everyone lies but what I’m trying to say…He’s more likely not to lie to you. If he says he’s out with his boys, he probably is. If he says he’s with his girl, he probably is. He won’t lie to you because there’s no reason not to, you ain’t his main chick.
  2. You get all of him, I don’t mean more time with him. You get to do all the things with him, his main chick can’t or won’t do. He shares more with you than his main chick, his good or bad side, either way, you know him more than the main chick.
  3.  You get a sexual thrill from being a side chick. You’re committing the greatest taboo in womanhood; taking what’s not yours. You have the power to make or break his relationship.   You know it’s wrong but you can’t help yourself, who doesn’t like forbidden fruit?
  4. Your heart stays intact, why? If you are a side chick, you’ll know the golden rule which is….know your place! Your heart is unlikely to get broken, if you go into such a relationship with your eyes open. It’s not a relationship; it’s a sexual connection which should benefit both of you. Such feelings shouldn’t develop, so it’s all good huh?
  5. You don’t have to put up with his BS in other words his bullshit. You ain’t his main chick, let her handle his emotions. You only deal with his good side.
  6.   He likes you more, why? You don’t ring him 100 times just so you can ‘hear’ his voice as a main chick would do, he likes that you send him those naughty pics  /txts but above all he likes the fact that it’s just sex.
  7.    You get to travel more, how? You get the out of town dinners and hotels basically the good stuff that comes from a relationship.
  8.      He’s rich. Side chicks tend to always go out with rich guys; it’s unrealistic to assume that you would share a broke or a bum dude. So your hair and nails are paid for, if he’s generous that is.

While I have noted the benefits, there are plenty of drawbacks.

If you are a side chick, its 80% likely you will NOT get a ring, he will not suddenly just up and leave the main chick for you, she’s the main chick for a reason. If in some bizarre twist, you do become the main chick, just remember the phrase ‘How you get your man, is how you can lose your man’. Know that if he’s cheating on her, he’s cheating on you, there’s no law to say you can only have one side chick. Other drawbacks? You don’t get to spend the holidays with him, you get the days after. You won’t meet his family and if you do meet his friends, you meet the bad ones, the ones who have side chicks too and lastly just know that its  gonna be 80% more likely for you to get hurt.

Advice for the guys, while it may seem like a good idea to have your cake, pounded yam and eat it. Know that a side chick should only realistically be there for a couple of months at most; any longer, just know she’s plotting something that will most equally spell trouble for you and your main chick.

Agree or disagree? Let me know in the comments section :)

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Don’t you hate that? You give a guy, the best years of your life or you’ve liked that guy for ages but yet he keeps choosing these tramps over you?

N.B not that I’m bitter about my ex’s new girlfriend or anything…..kmt

So what’s going on? What’s so good about her? What was it that he couldn’t or didn’t see in you? He most likely isn’t going to tell you why but I have seven reasons why he chose her and not you.

1. GOD’S TIME IS THE RIGHT TIME- Timing is everything. It’s not your time to be with him or it will never be your time. Sometimes some things aren’t meant to be.

2. Attraction – Hard pill to swallow but it could be that she’s more attractive than you, in which case you can’t blame him. We all want someone on our arm that we can be proud of but one man’s trash can be another man’s treasure right?

3. Confidence – If you like to constantly point out your flaws just so he could dispute them, chances are he was thinking ‘On to the next one!’ Guys like confident girls who are confident in their own skin. If you were guilty of this, you just gave him the green light to pick a more confident chick, sucks huh?

4. She trusts him- If you were the sort of girl who checked their man’s phone while he went to the toilet or did some military style interrogation when he went out with his boys? That sort of behavior screams crazy/needy/out of control/ neurotic freak. If you trusted him, you might have kept him.

5. She knows he’s not psychic – What do I mean? Basically when a guy asks you ‘what’s wrong?‘ TELL HIM. They are not psychic, they won’t just ‘know’. This kind of behaviour drives guys up the wall, and they hate it. As I always say communication is KEY. I realize I’m guilty of this one *sighs*

6. She understands that his bank account isn’t bottomless – If you were one of those girls always demanding money for this or that, it’s no wonder you found yourself suddenly single. This other chick is probably within his price range.

7. She respects him –If you complained at everything he did instead of giving constructive criticism. No guy likes to stick around for abuse. Odds are this new chick probably shows she appreciates him not just when he does something for her but constantly, guys need love too, you know!

To sum it all up, you and her are two different women and he choosing her has no reflection on you as a woman. He’s made his choice and the best revenge you can do is meet someone who knows your worth and stop thinking about your ex cos trust me he ain’t thinking about you.

Disagree with the reasons above or just have a view? Then let me know by dropping a comment :)

 

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Hi readers, in this post I am going to go over the top ten most dangerous mistakes men make and how to avoid them.

1. Being too nice and showing too much interest.

When a man meets a woman he is very interested in, he tends to become over accommodating and starts acting extra nice. He will do things like laugh at things that aren’t too funny. He will agree with everything she says. He will offer to help her in any way that he can. And he will generally display to her that he is willing to do whatever she asks of him in exchange for her to like him. This is a recipe for failure.

A woman doesn’t feel attraction to a man who presents himself to her as a subservient servant. Once a woman knows that you are willing to do anything to be with her, all the challenge is gone and she immediately loses all interest and attraction for that man. Instead you want to show women that you are a challenge. You want to show her that you have personal power and don’t need to suck up to her in order to get her love and approval. Keep your power for you because a woman wants to date a powerful man, not a subservient wimp.

2. Leaning In

Another mistake men make is leaning into the woman too much. Leaning in means that you physically lean your body towards her when you are talking to her; this is not attractive and sub communicates that you are bowing to her and that you believe that she is more valuable and powerful that you are. In short, leaning in is a sign of submission.

A woman wants a man who is more powerful than her, not less powerful. So in order to sub-communicate to a woman that you are more powerful and dominant than her make sure you always stand in an erect fashion and even lean back a bit; this sub communicates that you are confident, powerful and have high self esteem.  All those qualities are attractive to women. Never lean in; always lean back

3: Not Taking The Lead In An Interaction

Most men try to get the woman to lead the interaction and conversation; this is a huge mistake and makes women lose attraction immediately. Asking a woman a string of questions just to get her talking is not the way to gain rapport with her and make her like you.

When you put all the pressure on a woman to lead the interaction and do all the talking she will get annoyed and leave. Also, asking a woman what she wants to do instead of planning everything and just inviting her along is also a huge mistake; women hate having to lead and make decisions. From now on always take the lead in all your conversations with women. Lead the conversation where you want it to go.

Also be assertive and be the one who decides where you guys are going to go out and what you are going to do. Always always lead.

4. Thinking Of What To Say Next

When talking to an attractive woman, men are usually up in their heads thinking about what they’re going to say next.

When you are up in your head instead of in the present moment really listening to her then she is not going to feel much connection with you. She is going to see that you look distracted; she will think you aren’t really listening to her and don’t care about what she has to say. When you are thinking about what you are going to say next you lose the intimate connection that is necessary to develop with a woman in order for her to feel attracted to you.

Instead of thinking about what to say next, be in the moment, get present in your body and really listen to her. Once you start truly listening to her, you will connect with her because you are being in the moment; and when you are in the moment the woman can feel a true connection with you.

5. Trying To Impress Women

A lot of men think they have to impress a woman into liking them; this is wrong. Sitting there talking about yourself and how great you are does very little to stimulate interest or attraction in a woman. When a woman sees that you are obsessed with yourself and always talking about your possessions and accomplishments, she’s going to think you are a selfish self centered loser.

What a woman wants is a man who cares about her and wants to connect with her and learn about her hopes and dreams. So from now on forget about impressing a woman and instead focus on connecting with her. Get curious about her, her life, her dreams, passions, struggles; once you do this the woman will feel very connected and safe with you. Once she feels connected and safe then her next emotion is usually attraction.

6. Telling Her You Like Her Too Soon

A lot of times you will meet a woman that you really like and you will have this powerful urge to express to her how crazy you are about her; don’t do this! Many men make the mistake of expressing their interest to a woman too soon and then the woman is turned off and runs away. You need to always keep a woman suspended between hope and doubt; a woman wants a challenge.

The second a woman knows that she can have you, she loses interest in you. You need to show her a little interest and then balance that interest with displays of disinterest; this will always keep her guessing about you and keep you a challenge in her eyes

7. Talking About Negative Things

When you meet a woman never talk about anything negative. Most men tend to talk about a lot of negative things when they first meet a woman; he talks about his ex girlfriend, his break up, how he is struggling at work, how crappy the weather is etc.

Women hate this; they just want someone who will make them feel happy. So always make sure you only talk about positive fun things when you are with a woman. Take her on an adventure and allow her to forget about her mundane troublesome life. She wants a man who will add excitement and joy to her life, not bring her down into the dumps.
8. Having Weak Body Language

When you are talking to a beautiful woman don’t fidget or move around too much. A woman is attracted to a man who is confident and comfortable in his own skin.If you are nervous, fidgeting, looking around a lot, speaking too quickly and not keeping strong eye contact then then woman is going to sense that you are weak and her attraction will die.Be calm and strong in the presence of a woman.

Make your movements slow and relaxed, keep strong eye contact, speak slowly, breath slowly, be as relaxed as possible. An alpha male is always relaxed and in control of himself and the situation; that’s what women are attracted to.

9. Not Dressing Properly Or Being Well Groomed

If you want a beautiful woman in your life you have to present yourself in an attractive fashion. A lot of men have a very unattractive style. Make sure you don’t wear runners with jeans. Wear black socks with pants and white socks with shorts. Make sure your clothes fit your body and look good on you. Always shower and smell good. Make sure all your body hairs are trimmed including nose and ear hair if you have them. A woman judges you by your style, how you are groomed and how well you take care of your body. A woman wants a healthy, clean, stylish man; not a slob. The way you take care of yourself tells her a lot about how well you will take care of her.

10. Calling Her Too Much

When you get a woman’s phone number, email address or facebook, this does not give you permission to call her and talk to her all the time. A lot of men get too excited when they get a woman’s contact info and start calling too much, texting too much or writing very long facebook messages to her; all these behaviors creep women out so don’t do them.

If she sees that you are too available and contacting her all the time she will think you are desperate and weird; she will stop feeling attraction for you and start avoiding you. Always keep your contact with her brief and casual. Maintain this until after you have had sex with her. This way you are sure not to scare her off before the relationship has time to develop and mature.
Warmest Regards,

Jad T Jones

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It ends tonight, thinking to myself. All the guilt and anguish I feel will go with the night. I place my glass of drink on the sink, open my cabinet which doubles as my mirror and take out my sleeping tablets. I open the container and empty its contents into my right hand as I drop the container and pick up my drink. I look at the tablets in my hand, heave a sigh, look at myself in the mirror, close my eyes,pour all the tablets in my mouth and wash it down with the drink in my other hand. I walk to the sitting room and place the glass on the table…………………..

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

I open my eyes slowly and as I do so, I can feel sadness and it feels like live has been drained out of a place. I could feel the cold touch of death. I used to think everywhere turns white when you are dead but this place is blue. Blue? Maybe it is the skies. I guess all those Hollywood movies I watched in my lifetime were just lying. I hear voices. Where are the voices coming from? Am I close to heaven? Oh my God! Heaven! The voices are closer now, I must be close to heaven. A smile breaks out on my face. The smile was short lived as the blue surroundings was replaced by a team of doctors. They pulled back the blue curtains screening me from other patients in the ward. It was their voices I was hearing as they are having their morning rounds. They are five in number. An elderly man with grey hair is wearing a white scrub and the other four doctors consisting of three women and a man are in blue scrubs. I guess they are interns.

One of the doctors in blue scrubs spoke saying “Frank Ehinomen, 30, was brought in last night at about 9:30pm by a group of friends who found him unconscious in his living room. He had ingested 27 tablets of Lexotan.

His system was purged of the drugs and he has since been in stable condition and his vitals are ok. The drugs were not in his system for too long to cause damage to his liver” added another doctor in blue scrubs.

You are a lucky man. You should really thank your friends who have been here all night” said the elderly doctor in white scrubs.

I will inform your friends that you are awake” added an intern as the team moved to the next patient.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

Here I am sitting down at the reception of a psychologist. Before I was discharged from the hospital, the doctor spoke to my friends and I saying I am suffering from depression even though I will not admit it and he asked me to talk to a professional. He even recommended one for me. She is a good friend of his. I did not want to agree before but my friends made me agree as they threatened fire and brimstone if I did not go.

The phone at the receptions rings and the receptionist after talking to the person on the line, drops the receiver and asks me to go into the office. I walk into the office and it has this homely feeling. There is a water dispenser just as I walk into the office. The office is spacious as it holds a large office desk with all sorts of files on it, a chair, a 3-seater couch and an armchair conveniently. The psychologist is on her feet with her hands stretched out to shake me. She offers me a seat on the couch as she also takes her seat in the armchair facing the couch. I sit on the couch and as I look round I notice a picture frame on the wall behind the office desk. She is standing beside a man who I assume is her husband and two children are standing in front of them. She confirms my assumption by telling that it is a picture of her husband with their two boys. I look at the picture again, then it hits me. Her husband 1s my late fiancée’s boss!

To be continued ???

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So this has been a subject of discussion many a times when the matter of dating and marriage comes up with our dear Nigerian social group; She makes way more money than her boyfriend or husband.

Now when I’m saying she makes more money, I’m talking significantly more. Like $150k over $50k. A significant gap in financial power.

In many discussion one of the major issues that come up for both men & women is the issue of respect. A sizable number of men, more especially Nigerian men expressed concern that if their wife made more money than them, she will not respect him, and will not “do wifey duties”, and on the flipside some women have also said they might not respect a man who makes significantly less than them for whatever reason (unless he was in school). I guess for most of us, traditional things are still in the back of our minds that even with more modern views it’s a bit hard to shake off those traditional roles. It’s very interesting measuring up the “respect” factor with insecurities that might exist in that type of scenario.

Another issue that comes up is lifestyle and ambition. Is he making less money simply because of his career average pay or is he just not putting in the effort. Is the man just chilling with an easy life job making the little he can while the woman puts in 70 hrs in at the hospital? Is he doing domestic work to compensate? In a scenario like that, it’s likely that after a while, one party will begin to feel like they’re carrying the financial weight while the other is just chilling and “chopping the money”. But then again what if the situation is reversed? Is it as bad for a man to slave while the woman chills with a easy lifestyle job that pays little while she does domestic work? A more traditional role if you will.

Probably the biggest issue when this topic came up is future goals, and how the money is handled. As a woman being the breadwinner of family setting future financial goals for herself and the family fall primarily on her shoulders. This is a position where a lot of men as “head” of households find very difficult to handle. In many marriages, both Nigerian & non-Nigerian, where the woman is the breadwinner, the issue of how the money is allocated and future plans becomes an issue of a huge conflict as egos, and rights jam heads constantly. One person is the “head” of the household, but another brings in most of the money, so naturally wahala go dey. You don’t need to look too far to see these issues pop up in Nigerian households in the US.

All in all it almost seemed from conversations that most women, and more especially men will not have this as an ideal scenario and in some cases it’s almost a deal breaker.

But it’s 2012, and the likelihood of this happening is pretty high as we have more and more ambitious women. More than a generation ago. So now I ask: Men, would you have a problem with your wife making significantly more money than you? Women, would you care if he makes less?

Let’s hear it.

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After my last post on Jaguda.com I told myself that I’m not sure anyone wants to hear my mouth again. I received plenty insults, I actually questioned if I was really normal. But I decided I’m normal. Maybe a special normal, but normal.

Today I’m back with another burning question that I know plagues more than just me. How much older is too old?

So I’m in my twenties, and I consider myself pretty young at heart but right now I’ve had this serious craving for older men. Now I’m not talking men in their 30s o. I’m talking late 40s, pushing 50, and almost grey hair-ish. Think George Clooney (51) or Denzel (57). Fit and in shape. So I’m not talking about some pot bellied governor of some random state that wants me to calling him daddy or uncle, and rub his stomach for him. I mean I can call him daddy but only when… ok you get the point. I’m talking fit older men that still got it.

I’m dating a guy right now, and he’s 19 years older than me, and it’s wonderful. Better than I had ever imagined actually. Fun, exciting, spontaneous, sensually experimental, very understanding and probably the best of all, mature and free of mind games. Plus I get to learn a lot about the 70s that I didn’t know before. Yes I like it.

I’ve dated “small boys” in my age bracket (5 years or so), and often times by time you deal with their immaturity, lack of ambition, limited or rigid bedroom experience, and just general juvenile tendencies, you end up getting bored and just generally pissed off that you gave this small boy a chance in the first place.I don’t have to worry about him choosing between me and his “homeboys.” I could go on and on, but I’ll just stop so it doesn’t look like I’m bashing younger men even though I kinda am. Blame it on my ex.

With my older guy I’ve found that I don’t have to worry about 80% of the things I find annoying in young men.

But the only issue is that my family and most of my friends think he’s too old for me. That I should limit it to less than 10 years older. Often times when he comes around they start acting differently, or they feel they can’t talk about everything. One of my friends even said she can’t talk about bedroom activities cos she feels she’s around an uncle. Urgh! If only she knew what this “uncle” could do. Another friend said I look like one of those ashawos in Lagos always spotted with older men.

But who made that rule abeg? Is there a hard age gap where it becomes too old? My friends and family say above 10 years older is too much. Some others have said 7 years is the limit.I mean I’m just dating him for the fun of it, not like I want to marry him (or anyone for that matter), so why not just have fun and enjoy the experience while I have without over-thinking it or getting judged all over the place.

So I decided to bring this to the wonderful people at Jaguda.com. How much older is too old? 5 years? 10 years? 15? 20? Both as a girl and as a guy.

I’d love to hear the responses.

Side-note: Meanwhile what is an older man called? Like older women are cougars, so what name do older men have? Just curious

 

 

 

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How to find a GOOD man?

WARNING! This article contains highly valuable material on finding a ‘GOOD’ man. If you are not a ‘GOOD’ woman, don’t ruin it for the rest of us. I urge you, please do not read further.  If you are a ‘GOOD’ woman, read on and enjoy J

The title almost suggests that there is a secret hidden place full of men in the world and if you’re ever so good, you might find yourself stumble upon such a place. Sadly, the closet place I can think of is a football match.

N.B Feeling slightly bitter over my last relationship, so do please allow a high level of male bashing.

So How? Where? Who?

First things first, why do you want a man? Evidence upon evidence suggests if you don’t love yourself first before getting into a relationship, you ruin it for the rest of us. How? Let’s break it down shall we?

Unloved (you) x Good guy =Typical Male Bastard x Unsuspecting innocent woman = Bitter unhappy woman (me)

Love yourself first. For the sake of womankind, you owe it to us and more importantly yourself.

Loving yourself includes having a busy social life and that means getting OUT of the house, meeting different people and having a jolly time while doing it.

Where are they? Ah… now that would be telling…no seriously…they’re everywhere! Look around you, guys are everywhere. Don’t discriminate places. Can’t count the amount of times I hear ‘You can’t find a good guy in a club’. Bullsh!t. Now, unless you’ve been attending Sadomasochism nightclubs, chances of finding a ‘good’ guy there are going to be a bit on the slim side aren’t they? Or maybe you believe in the mantra ‘good guys are in the church’….hahahaha…you’re more likely to actually find a ‘Bad’ guy there…why? Because you’re going to HAVE to forgive him 77 x77 times and which guy wouldn’t like to take advantage of that? Don’t go to the same old places, switch it up, and live a little. Guaranteed, you will meet someone.

Unless you’re psychic…

NB If you are, please contact me, we are going to make a ton of money!

You don’t know who you’re going to end up falling for, so give guys a chance because you never know. He may not look like Idris Elba or Denzel  but do you look like Beyonce or even Kelly for that matter?

Be approachable! Let your body do the talking! Smile, look happy… I don’t mean grin at every tom, dick and wale but show a smile once in a while.

Stop comparing guys! Chances are that they won’t meet your past standard anyway and no one likes to be compared.

N.B Do you hear that Mr Ex?…No one likes to be compared…NO ONE…KMT!

Anywhoo, unfortunately, they haven’t yet made the technology to spot a ‘good’ guy, so it’s really up to you. I believe it’s a good idea to date around and see who fits with you; some people may not feel comfortable with that. Understandable but in my experience, the people that wait around for the ‘good’ guy tend to wait for so long and end up falling for a very good impersonator of a ‘good’ guy like my ex.

I said ‘DATE’ around… not ‘SLEEP’ around, there is a difference…look it up!

Good guys aren’t that rare. If you think positive and don’t go out for the sole purpose of ‘I need to find a man’ because chances are you will get stickered with ‘desperate’ on your forehead. If you’re always looking like you’re having a ‘GOOD’ time, a ‘GOOD’ guy will always gravitate themselves towards you.

Look GOOD. Too many women I know, look like crap, yeah I said it. If you dress like you’re allergic to mirrors, then you can’t be helped. Appearance is a strong factor in getting a ‘good’ guy. Don’t fall short.

I hope this article can at least give you some useful pointers.

Or

If like me you think guys are undercover bastard’s i.e.  like my ex and if it wasn’t for the fact that I was Nigerian and therefore have to get married, I wouldn’t…at this point in time…touch them with a barge pole…but…maybe that’s just me.

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Ahhhhh……The signs! Wait signs? What signs? Are there signs? I hear you ask…… Oh, there are signs alright, but you need to be savvy enough. Think of a relationship as a business, you need to invest, maintain and communicate. If you’re not doing all three of these things or at least two out of three, the relationship suffers. FACT!

We invest in unlikely and frankly unintelligent relationships for the sake of it getting ‘better’ or even funnier, that we can ‘change’ the person. Because suddenly we are mini-gods and able to change anyone or anything at a whim. Ha!

You knew who the person was before you entered the relationship, (I hope) now unless this person requested that they would love to change their persona just for you, then you must be one lucky and very unique person but however, unfortunately the rest of us are not exceptions to that rule.
Now imagine you go out to eat at a restaurant, the food is awful, you go there the week after nothing has changed. Would you really go back there again? No, yet the amount of people I know that go back in damaging relationships because of the word, I think that gets passed around much too often ‘Love’ as an excuse.

N.B Eugh. Sorry, I just can’t stand that word ‘LOVE’.

Or some of us think that our relationships are ‘unique’, newsflash: they’re not. There’s always someone worse off and more ‘unique’ than you. If a relationship is bad, it’s actually bad; no amount of investing or lingerie can change that. We think too much with our hearts instead of our brains. Use it people, it’s there for a reason.

Even when our hearts are telling us to get out, then get out! No resuscitation, just please move on to the next one, because there’s always a next one, but I digress.

If you’re not sure here are some of the signs that show its time to move on.

1. Like the popular ROM-com ‘He’s just not that into you’ based on the book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. He’s not calling you. There’s 24 hours in the day, 1440 minutes, 86,400 seconds and even 86,400,000 milli seconds. My point? There’s time. Now you could be one of those smug woman ‘Oh, you know my man’s on his grind 24-7’ but if he can’t even check with you daily or at least weekly…..hmm. Or you send him a page long text only to receive one word…..hmm.

2. He doesn’t commit to any plans during the week but BAM on that Saturday ‘what you doing?’ Why does he do this? Well, he’s playing the waiting game hoping to get a better offer, now if a certain offer doesn’t come his way…..well there you are!

3. You’re both walking down the street and he tends to walk just a little ahead of you. You could say that he’s got longer legs. So he’s gonna walk faster right? Basically the message is he doesn’t want to get close to you. Body language speaks volumes. Listen to it, if he is always positioned away from you, then….well.

4. Now unless you’re dating a vampire or some other night creature, why does he only want to see you at night? Granted some people are busy during the day but if the date always tends to end with your kit off…..well.

5. The disappearing act. Oh you know the act…..he’s gone for days, weeks and sometimes even months yet that facebook/bb/twitter status is forever changing. You try to contact him, no answer. You start to blame yourself. Don’t. Whatever someone is going through, if you really meant something to him, he would at the very least send you a text. If he doesn’t think you can help in any way, then he obviously doesn’t think highly of you in the first place.

6.  He puts you down. He makes negative comments about your clothes, hair, job or lack thereof. In general he’s just plain mean. You think he’s being helpful but if all the comments tend to be almost all negative, maybe you should re-think…..

There are obviously more signs but these are the common ones. If your relationship is showing any of these signs seriously get out. You are worth so much more than this. Don’t just open your legs; open your eyes as well. Pay attention to what he’s doing as well as saying.

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Most of of us have been there. We’re all too familiar with that dreaded friend zone. The point where the person you’ve been secretly wanting forever and a day tells you “I look at you like a friend” or even worse “you’re like a brother to me” *hot tears*

It’s something no guy ever want to hear from a girl he desires as a girlfriend or as a babe he’s trying to set P with. Nothing makes you jam rock more than that dreaded friend zone.  She likes hanging out with you, and wants to hang out all the time, but nothing more. Indirectly blocking your other runs in the process.

But alas… there’s hope. If you’ve been friend zoned, there’s a way to get out of it.

Here is a guideline to wiggle yourself out of the friend zone and back to the hot friend that he/she doesn’t mind giving the goods to. The end-zone.  Hell, if you do well, you’ll be half way in the door based on already “being friends.”

Upgrade your packaging: First things first you have to upgrade yourself. Most times if someone sees you as a friend, they’re probably not attracted to you on a physical level. They might like your personality… Maybe you make her laugh, or are always there to listen, but on the physical level. You’re just not it.

So to remedy that, start on some packaging upgrades. Start working out to tone yourself (if you don’t do so already), upgrade the wardrobe, eat better, groom yourself better, and just generally improve on your look. Get some swag (borrow if you have to), and slowly but surely your confidence will improve.

Don’t Beg or Ask any Further Questions: Nothing pushes you more into the friend zone than constantly trying to get her to give it a chance. No begging, no “will you ever think of it?” etc. Just accept that she doesn’t want or at least pretend to not send. You can still be there for the person but keep strictly platonic from your end. At least for now.

Reduce her priority small: Now I’m not saying ignore her completely as she’ll figure it’s cos she doesn’t want you in that way, and you’ll end up looking childish in a way. But don’t make her a priority all the time just cos you like her. Surely you have other babes that like you. You can hang out with those ones every so often. Toast other babes and flirt. Heck you’re single anyways. Hang out with your peeps too, and generally have fun without her. Meet some new people also.

Hopefully with your upgrades, non-sending, and the fact that other people want you or seem to want, she might start to feel like “hey… maybe this guy is a catch”

Flirt With Her A Little: Now this where you have to know the art of flirting without looking thirsty. It’s like giving off the vibe that you’re capable of holding it down without seeming like you necessarily want to go there with her. Random compliments like “You cant be wearing things like this around me. Don’t make me look at you in a different way” could work. Well, me sef I don’t know exactly but it should be playful and not like you’re extra thirsty and all. Also you can make some playful touches here and there. Not extra aggressive but just subtle touches of caresses that almost seem like you’re not aware you’re doing it.Hope I made small sense.

Be Open With Her About Other Girls: You guys are friends right? So depending on your relationship with her you can talk about other girls or ask her for some seriously intimate advice. You can be as detailed as possible. She’s your friend so she should be able to listen lol. Gotta be careful not to just seem like you’re bragging about your conquests, but more like general gist. Also gauge if she does the same thing too, so it doesn’t necessarily seem like you’re just saying it to make her jealous.

It’s like innocently telling her that you’re getting yours and somehow you have now become a sexual being in her eyes. Whether or not she wants you is debatable, but your image and sex have entered her mind in some order.

Take The Opportunity When It Comes: If you’ve done all the steps above, chances are your platonic friendship will almost be a formality. You never want to jump in cos you’ll jam rock, but with the flirting and hopefully some sexual chemistry there will be moments that present themselves. You my friend will have to seize that moment.

She wont make that move for you, but she’ll surely open the door way for you to make it. so don’t dull yourself and miss it. If you miss it, then you might be in that friend zone till the point that she’ll ask you to be her chief bridesmaid. So if that window opens, jump on it. If everything works out, then you my friend will have marched down the field into the end-zone!  Touchdown baby!! *insert touchdown dance*.

However if after all this, she still declines your move or you misread the opportunity, then I’m sorry bros but there’s no hope. Hang it up and just drop that P, or suck it up in the friend-zone. Help her paint her nails, and pick out what dress she should wear on her date. You wont be the first person.

Peace.

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Let’s have something between us is basically code for; “I am seriously bored so give me your heart let me use it, stump on it and leave you heartbroken”. You might be thinking, that’s a bit too harsh and it doesn’t possibly apply to everybody, well you are not wrong but if there is going to be a relationship it should have a definition. These days people have different relationships with different names ranging from; lovers, just friends, kicking it, hanging out, friends with benefits and sometimes friends without benefits and whether you think its valid or not, it is a matter of opinion but the most important thing is that the  two parties involved understand what their relationship means, what they are getting into and why they are getting into it . But the word ‘something’ basically means ‘nothing’ in the field of relationships. Now if Ali meets Simbi and says “babe I think you are cool and fun loving and I want us to have something between us “ the sensible  thing  for simbi to reply should be “ what exactly do you want?” because if you ignore it and make assumptions, most of the time there would be a conflict of interest. Men and women reason on different levels and no matter how much it is debated and contested, the male psyche is way different from the female psyche. Now when I say men and women reason on different levels, I do not mean one is superior to the other, it is a difference of let’s say, apples and oranges, both are fruits but comparisons wise have different characteristics.

My case study for this topic is Nicole. Nicole is a friend of mine and as babes now, we all hang out discussing each other’s love life and of course as college babes we all pass through a phase where we basically throw our sense of ‘right and wrong ‘out the window and act principally on  bravado. She claimed she was having ‘something’ with this guy and the terms of this ‘something’ was basically that they would only see on weekends and some nights because he was so busy but when his schedule cleared up they would catch up for the lost times. We gave his cute nicknames like captain dreamy, sex on a stick and some other names that make girls feel good. As time progressed they never went out together and according to her she was having a nice time and she claimed that there was no pressure to it and that when she wanted something more serious she would voice her opinion to him. We all thought that was an awesome package, she was essentially eating her cake and having it too. She got the “good parts “of the relationship without the over bearing hassles of an actual relationship. But then everything started to spiral out of control. They ACTUALLY never went out together, when the rest of us would go out with our dates she would call him up and his response would be “babe you know we don’t do that” and when they happen to meet in a gathering with other mutual friends he basically ignored her, but she still claimed that it was fine.

Firstly it takes a really strong girl to be in a relationship where 100% of attention is not showered on her at all times, talk less of a relationship where zero attention is given. Then Nicole started to change from the strong willed law student we knew and loved to a raging lunatic. She started going insane. We define insanity as doing the same thing but expecting different outcomes and that basically was Nicole. She would go to his house and he would say he is not around and but she would see his car parked in the drive way. She would stay up late because he claimed that he was so busy with stuff and he could make a quick stop at weird times of the night and most of the time he would not show up. She stopped telling us, her friends any detail about her “something relationship” because he told her not to and when we asked if she had was ready to take her relationship to the next level she would fox her way out of giving us a definite answer. That is when I knew that Nicole and her guy were on different pages of a very big book. She thought that he just wanted to take thing slow and see where the relationship would lead to but the boy had no intention of moving forward with her, she was basically a toy that he played with on weekends and some nights and he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was doing.  But it did not end there. We all went out for a friend’s birthday party and Nicole’s boy comes in  with another girl, a girl that he introduces as “his girlfriend.” We all had stunned looks on our faces and we did what we do best , ‘BBMING’(black berry messaging ) the hell out of her phone. “When did you guy break it off”, “eyah good for you he is just a pig”, “I did not want to tell you before oo! But you can do better”.  Nicole with a flushed look on her face  ran out of the party, realized some minutes later that Nicole was unaware on the “girlfriends’ existence and was being strung along for months just because he could. After some weeks she summoned courage to ask the guy ,what the hell the last 7 months was all about and he told her that he thought she understood they were just chilling together and he did not want anything serious.

My question is this, what permits a guy to think that he can treat a girl like that? Like some piece of trash? Like she is a toy he bought from Wal-Mart and  can return when it was broken? The sad thing is that a lot of young women enter relationships without knowing what exactly the terms are. Just as you should not sign a contract without reading the fine prints, you should not go into any relationships without verifying the terms and conditions.

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So yesterday IK Osakioduwa, a radio personality on Rhythm 93.7 started a tweet series on Tips To Getting A Man. Inspired by “trying to help ladies find guys.” IK is married with 2 kids so we’re not talking about a single man here.

Now I’m not one that believes in criteria on how to get/keep a man as people are different, and what’s good for one might be bad for the other, but the list is worth checking out.

I will say however that I strongly disagree with #5. Your style of hair really should not define if you can keep a man or not, so natural or not, it really shouldn’t matter, as long as your hair is not busted looking and un-kept.

The rest of them? Well in my opinion it all depends on who you are talking to. Different strokes for different folks, but if I did have to give my own 2 cents, I’d say be yourself. No use faking it to snatch a man, and then reverting back and maybe losing him cos “he thinks you changed.

Anyways, what do you think? Ladies? Fellas? Drop your thoughts.

10.Don’t pressure him to marry u with questions like “Where’s this leading?” Instead leave him if he’s taking too long.#IksTipsToGettingAMan

9. No matter what, never be rude or abusive to him in front of his friends. (Not even in jest) #IksTipsToGettingAMan

8. Have standards. Or you’ll find yourself in and out relationships too often and that’ll earn you a bad name. #IksTipsToGettingAMan

7. Learn to cook. Most guys like a girl that CAN cook. Yeah not all guys but MOST. So do yourself a favour and learn #IksTipsToGettingAMan

6. Don’t give it ALL up. Leave some for marriage. Perfect the art of giving previews. Nobody pays for free stuff. #IksTipsToGettingAMan

5. Make an effort. Try to look nice. Work out. Guys like babes. Get that Don King hair done, stop forming”Oh Naturale” #IksTipsToGettingAMan

4.Drop guys that take all ur time without really chasing u. They block other guys. No IWC= Intimacy Without Commitment#IksTipsToGettingAMan

3. Be careful not to be TOO INDEPENDENT. Learn to gain from your man’s presence in your life. Guys need to be needed. #IksTipsToGettingAMan

2.Make friends with married women. They know what guys want more than your single friends (that’s why they’re married) #IksTipsToGettingAMan

1. Learn to do solo trips. It’s just easier for most guys to step to a girl on her own, than one in a pack of girls #IksTipsToGettingAMan

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I’m pushing 30 very soon, and when I look at a cross section of my friends I find that I’m the only one who 1. is either not married or 2. not really desperate to get married. In actuality I feel like I don’t want to get married. Not because I hate men or I’m a lesbian or anything like that, I just don’t see why. Now before anyone starts analyzing me, No my parents are not divorced, I’ve not been abused in a past relationship, and I’ve not been cheated on (that I know of anyways). Simply put, there’s nothing I hold against men. Thanks.

In 2012, there are a lot of alternatives to getting married  for a woman. I don’t need a man for money, I have a pretty good job. I don’t need security, I have ADT for that, and if I need/want children there’s the sperm bank and/or a sperm donor somewhere probably ready to give me the goods, so why really should I want to get married? Why can I just have boyfriends and friends that I hang out with from time to time, and still keep my indivuality and most importantly, my space.

My space is probably one of the biggest factors why when I really sit down and think about it, I’m not sure I want to cook myself up with a man and be married for decades or until death. I’m barely pushing 30 and the thought of being with one person for the rest of my sixty-something years on earth is actually scary.

My Mom, Dad, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Friends have all called me all sorts of crazy, and ‘too independent’ but I really don’t give a sh*t really. I’m not going to be making someone else happy at my expense, and being all politically correct and acting like everything is golden.

From what I’ve noticed when it comes to marriage, 70% of men never want to get married and 70% of women can’t think of anything besides a wedding, so there’s already a big disconnect. I talked to my cousin just before she got married and not once did she mention how life was going to be after the wedding is done. Nothing about where to live, how the money will be made and bills paid, rules of the house, dealing with other famly members, future of the children etc. It was all this person is performing at the wedding, and my intro music is xyz, and all those random things that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of a marriage. Unfortunately, this is the case with a good number of women in today’s world. Blame it on tv and the wedding business.

Seeing as me I kukuma no send wedding tings, and I tend to look at things from a realistic stand point, let me not deceive myself and say I want to share room with someone for the rest of my life. Or that it’s one one person I’ll be knacking till I’m 90 years old, and someone will come and be asking me which money I made and sharing bills and the likes. Or someone’s mother coming to stay in the house for 6 months and I have to suck it up and say ‘Yes Ma’ to everything she says. Tufiakwa! I’m sorry I no fit. Are there happy things about marriage, and happily married people? Yes. Absolutely. But I feel like in 2012, those things can come without a marriage institution holding me down. After all, I might be feeling secure in my marrriage, and divorce will just come knocking one day, then what was the point.

I don’t mean to sound so pessimistic but as a realist these are the things I see as serious possibilities in marriages, and the ones that I’ve decided that I don’t want to deal with.

I talk to all my friends about my views and I swear they make me feel like I should go see a shrink. “No girl your age should feel like she doesn’t want to get married.” The heck is that even supposed to mean? Why can’t I just think the that way? Must I think like every other girl in the world? Is there a rule that says “Women must want to get married”?

With the way people make me feel, I feel like I’m the only girl who doesn’t want to get married. Or that I’m crazy to feel the way I feel.

Am I?

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Words can not begin to express or buttress the fact that ‘there is a thin line between LOVE and HATE.’ Sometimes people are the architects of their own problems. What baffles me most is how comfortable they feel dragging innocent people into the mess they will create for themselves. If only they actually just believe that the one they love so dearly today and can’t do without, they might feel like stabbing in the future.

Waiting anxiously to be called into the consulting room at the hospital, I see a middle aged man trying to stay as far as possible from a middle aged woman who had a young boy right next to her and leaning on her.

Every nurse and staff of the hospital that passed by us in the waiting room stopped to say hi to the man and the woman and ask how the boy was fairing. At this point it occurred to me they were a couple. I actually found it funny they were staying away from eachother, you know how men can be sometimes, I honestly thought it was one of those moments the Mr was actually dragged to the hospital to know what’s happening with the kid.

I did not fail to notice the way the child looked though, but it all still felt normal. As soon as they were called into the consulting room, the ‘Nigerian nature’ of gossiping as I’ll like to call it in this instance, dives into the nurses and they start ‘gisting’….

Nurse 1: I wonder how the woman feels right now. This is definitely more than she bargained for.

Nurse 2: Which woman? *Hiss* I am more concerned about the poor child. He did not ask for any of this.

Nurse 1: I hope this doesn’t break their marriage o! As this is their only child. If not for the blessings of God on that man where will they be now? Its all just so sad.

(At this point, I am as confused as ever)

Nurse 2: I am sorry but I don’t feel any pain or pity for the parents. They brought this upon themselves and in this day and age?! Ah! Too poor!

Nurse 1: I agree they are wrong but all d same…

Nurse 2: Look, with all the awareness it’s too poor that people as learned as they are, did not bother to run proper blood tests before getting married. What kind of hot love is that? The child is the one now suffering for their own carelessness. Abi Nurse is it easy to be SS?

I instantly became deaf to the rest of their talk, as the last sentence kept reverberating in my head, the keyword in the sentence being ‘SS’ ! How I wanted to drag that woman out of the consulting room and give her a few hot slaps! And probably hold on to that poor fragile boy  as he definitely did not ask to be born in such a condition. His careless mum and dad should be blamed completely for putting him in such a state. If only children had the opportunities to choose their birth condition.

That couple probably ‘loved’ eachother so much all they were concerned about was how to be together. Has it now not turned to hatred today? Hatred has to be the only definition for the way they feel about eachother considering they can’t even bare to be close to themselves. Their carelessness can stand as an excuse for them, but what about people who actually know they are not compatible and still go ahead with ‘the worlds craziest idea’ of getting married as far as I am concerned.

A bunch of sick kids? No thanks, I’ll pass. My kids will be grateful to me, not fall ill everytime and even wish they were not born. I know there is a medical process that checks the status of a baby while the woman is pregnant to know if the child should be kept or taken out. In the real sense couples end up hating and blaming eachother for the pain and it sometimes rubs off on the innocent children.

In my opinion no right thinking woman should agree to that. Infact if any man ever brings the idea up, he DOES NOT love you. There has to be more to the relationship!

By the way, I am not discriminating sicklers I know quite a few and I love them and hold them dear to my heart. That’s why I know even these people do not want to continue to see the occurrence as expressed by the various bodies and organisations that create awareness on the issue.

Run your blood tests today.  Know where you stand.  Create a healthy future for your unborn kids.

Love today, Hate tomorrow.

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It has come to my knowledge that boys no longer do ‘the chase’, they now just move with the flow and expect things to happen and situations to unfold.  This I tell you, is VERY DANGEROUS.

Coming from someone that has watched people suffer rejection, I preach to you my brothers if you want something, MY BROTHER OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND TALK!

………………….

It was a sunny day in Lagos, particularly in Victoria Island. Tunde, alighting from a cab with no air conditioner, sweating profusely, still looking like he has won a million bucks, takes giant steps into the Silverbird Galleria. It’s actually movie day for him and ‘his girl’ Sophia (please note that Sophia is Tunde’s girl in his head).Picking up his phone to he makes a call.

“I am at the entrance Soph, where are you?” he gushed.

Sophia replied “WE are waiting to buy tickets so come right up.”

Getting up the stairs and taking a quick glance round the area, Tunde spots Sophia and the ‘WE’ she earlier mentioned made a lot of sense. (If I were you, I will grab some popcorn because the DRAMA is here)

Approaching Sophia, Tunde had his eyes fixed on the young man she was all cozy with whose face he could actually recognize from several pictures he had seen. Petite Sophia introduces Emenike to Tunde and after the pleasantries have been exchanged the bomb was dropped (please insert nollywood sound track). “Tunde, Emenike and I are officially dating now. Like today, so I thought I’d bring him to the movies with us since he is now part of the gang.” Sophia gushed with so much excitement.

Literally, it took Tunde a couple of minutes to process what he just heard from ‘his girl’ before he finally burst out “is this a joke?”  Just by saying that, the knot in his stomach untied and he blurted out the rest….. “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!!!!!!” were the words that reverberated in both Sophia’s and Emenike’s ears.

……………..

Does Tunde sound strange to you? Well, I will break it down for you and take you into the world he created for himself.

Exactly one year ago, Sophia and Tunde met at the Iyana Ipaja, Lagos NYSC camp (yes NYSC P). She came in from Abuja and he has always been in Lagos. They were not in the same platoon but somehow they became ‘TUNDE & SOPHIA’. The 3 weeks on camp ended and somehow, Sophia ended up in her Aunt’s house in Lekki phase 1, which happens to be where Tunde lives too. Being the only friend she had they obviously drew closer. To her, he was just a friend; to him she was becoming more than a friend. They did everything together to the extent he started dropping her off at work. But she basically still saw him as a ‘besty’ (Best friend). Don’t even say she is dumb, my besty can come all the way from his office in V.I to give me red oaks plantain chips in Ikoyi and we remain just friends.

The pet names started coming up and she still did not see anything bad in the friendship (yes, my besty calls me snuggles and we are cool like that). As far as Sophia was concerned he was just the male her, until the day he kissed her on their way back from the beach.  Like every normal girl some keynotes in her body were woken up and yes it was awkward but she liked it. Well that awkward moment passed and the morning came.

Both starting to talk at the same time and stopping at the same time, he asks her to go first.

Sophia: Tunde is there something you want us to talk about?

Tunde: Nope

Sophia: Are you sure, because I am sure you remember what happened last night.

Tunde: *Holding her hands* Yes I am sure we have nothing to talk about babes, we are totally good and I am sorry I kissed you, i just got carried away I guess.

Sophia: Okay, I imagined we’ll have something to talk about.

…………………..

That was the last time that matter was ever discussed.

Please can anybody explain why Tunde is upset? From that day, couldn’t he have seen that she also wanted him? Why is he crying now?

Moral of the story:

Don’t let anybody carry your cup over your head!

THE END!

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That’s a line from a song that keeps replaying in my head everyday.It is also a line that should follow a lot of the female folks especially the younger ones. Everyday I see them with different overly bright clothes and expensive bags and phones.

When I pass by I hear them say, “He is so rich. He takes me to exotic places everytime“. I shake my head and continue to walk on.
When will we ever learn? I can pen down a list of my friends that are married because of the money or because of the title or influence behind the name.

What happened to love?

I hear it is over rated and non existent in our dictionaries now. What is so over rated about it? Love is not the fairy tale story or a mirror mirror story where the prince had to be released from the charm by a kiss. It is a bundle of complication if you ask me. It isn’t simple.

Recently I asked my friend that I don’t see a lot of couples in love anymore, I see contracts signed and on the cover is marriage. We argued for a while and reached the conclusion about how it reflects in our relationships and marriages. I asked a married friend why these days marriages aren’t based on love, his answer was to ask our parents. Funny right, because I never looked at it from that angle. His reason for marrying his wife was because she was the only person he could trust at that time, he had been in love and the latter had perfered the material things of life. He didn’t marry for love but six years down the line, I ask once again, what is love? His answer was “it’s what I have with my wife, I grew to love her, she is my best friend but that doesn’t mean each person doesn’t have their shortcomings. We do but it must be settled before we sleep“. Before I could ask another question his wife calls him and they start arguing about football, I see Arsenal and Manchester United clash ahead and the premier league is back, I leave the couple to continue bickering about RVP. I move on.

The material things of the world has taken over the word love and it has become our undies, I am a victim as well. It is a heart desire of almost every female to be married to a HTR man (handsome, tall , rich) so what happens to the men that do not belong to these categories? Are they less human or not man enough?

I remember those times as a lady you get excited that you just met a guy and while you tell your friends about this dude; the first question is “is he rich, what kind of car does he drive?” Ladies we have all been victims of these and probably lost a good guy in the process.

You want a dude already made? It’s not a one side thing. Have you asked how he made those riches? He might spoil you before marriage and you think that’s how your marriage will go on to be. No. Its not a bed of roses. Ask those ladies that run back every weekend to their parents homes, they didn’t expect to have their husbands silence them with money….”baby, how was your day?” The answer they receive …”check the top drawer collect hundred thousand and allow me to sleep“. And all she wanted to really find out was how his day really went. To have that communication and understanding in their lives. But most times that is forgotten in the relationship before the courtship.

It goes for the men as well, you go for the girls that are educated, beautiful or that cook very well, and that know how to wiggle their hips in bed. She might have all these and yet she is still ill mannered. What about the men that want to marry only nurses or lawyers, what happened to the theater artists or social works graduates? Are they not good enough?

A friend once told me he needed a wife and I should introduce one of my friends, he explained that his mother has three bachelors degrees, two masters and a PhD; therefore he needed someone at least presentable. I understood that but I also argued whether his mother will live with him and what her degrees will bring to her marriage. What understanding, care, respect, hardwork, and communication wouldn’t do. Don’t get me wrong, education is a huge plus but let’s not get a lot twisted it’s not the and all be all.

If am permitted to use this illustration as an example, recently Ebuka Obi Uchendu recently wrote on his twitter page “pizza and hot pineapple juice ” and someone replied “dude you should be having nsala soup & semo. Go and marry Jo!“. I have never been so impressed or laughed so loudly the way I did that day because Ebuka replied “I would marry a wife and not a cook“. That statement covers a lot of things, a wife – cook, lover, best friend, a backbone, mother of everyone among others. Funny because some men get married because she cooks well and is good in bed and she is a keeper. Whatever happened to dreaming along with you or supporting your dream. Oh well.

The whole idea is that love grows.
Love is patient
Love is faith
Love is hope
Love is understanding
It never doubts
It comes along with its ups and downs
It accepts you for who you are.
It is priceless!

Apply some of these words of wisdom not because I know it all or have it all, sometimes it takes one to come out and say it or even demostrate it.

This is something we see everyday, break ups in relationships, cheating partners and loveless marriages, and maybe they entered for the wrong reasons but that doesn’t mean you should. So they are stuck there, that doesn’t mean you don’t get a second chance to make it work. A chance in finding the right path of awesomeness in love and bliss.

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Nothing last forever in this world, and sometimes as much as we would like to think that the one person we’re with is the soul-mate, final love and the person that completes your existence, sometimes (more times than not) it ends up not being the case. What sucks more than a once perfect relationship suddenly ending? If you didn’t do the breakup, or you were pretty much dumped. Break ups are easier to handle when you initiated the break up, or it was mutual – not sure if those really happen, but you get my point.

So you got dumped. Whether it was sudden or you saw it coming it’s still something that hit you hard, and if you’re a guy it definitely gives your ego a nice sucker punch. The world at that time might seem like it’s ending, but not to worry it’s definitely not. And before you know it, you’ll be completely over this person. So how we get over the ex? Well for starters here’s what you should definitely not do —>This.

So what should you do?

  1. Deal with the pain and hate.

It’s very normal after every break up to have a huge amount of pain, and possibly hate towards the other person. Do you want to cry? By all means do so. Scream and shout? Do that too. You can write out your thoughts bashing the ex, and think all kinds of negative things towards him or her. Listen to sad love songs and cry. It’s all a phase. But the most important thing is not to let anyone see it. No bashing or pity Facebook statuses, no sub tweets, YouTube videos or blog posts. Do all your crying and hate behind closed doors. No one wants to see you look pathetic, and those that do just want to be entertained.

2. Keep your space

There’s nothing worse than hanging around your ex hoping that somehow feelings will come back or that one night of magic will rekindle everything. If you have mutual friends, try as much as possible to stay away from them especially if you’re bound to either talk about him/her, or even worse see him/her. Deleting folks off Facebook is kind of childish but you can certainly use that limited profile function and block the news feed. No texts, IMs, tweets, etc. Call it a detox if you will. Most importantly and this is where most of us fail… No sex with the ex!! None at all. Maybe I should’ve said that first, but oh well.

3. Talk to friends & hangout

Now when we say talk to friends, we don’t mean call every friend you know and start crying about your ex. It’s very pathetic looking to have to deal with someone whining on and on about their ex and why they left and blah blah blah BS. Save it for the shrink or for your journal. But besides that hanging out with friends is very healthy. Go out for a drink or two, BBQs, house gatherings, bars, brunch, park, etc. Anything your friends invite you to do, is game for you. Unless of course you’re bound to see the ex.

4. Write down your feelings and analyze.

Your best friend is your journal during a break up. If you think it, or want to say it out loud, then get a pen and write it down. A lot of times during a break up you want to say a lot of things to the ex, and explain some things, but believe me saying anything to an ex that dumped you in hopes of amending things is the wrong way to go. In addition, writing down stuff also gives you the opportunity to analyze the relationship and sometimes the light bulbs go off and you might realize that it was going south for a while before the break up happened. Besides it’s good documentation so you can see how silly you sounded years later.

5. Stay active.

They say one of the best diets is a break up. Partly because you never eat and you’re depressed or you ‘ginger’ yourself into getting involved in some activity. Running, basketball, football, cycling, volleyball etc. Always wanted to do some sort of outdoor activity? Well here’s your chance to do it and the best thing is that you get to preoccupy your mind with something other than the thought of your ex. Every moment you stay idle is time for you to dwell on the break up or even worse make a mistake and call/text the ex. Thou shall not do that. Plus in a scenario where you didn’t have much control (the break up) this provides something you can actually control and get some sense of power into your life.

6. Explore other options

Now I’m not saying go out there and stay desperately looking for a rebound or if you’re a guy, looking for the next piece of ass to boost your masculine ego. But if there are people that are interested in you or you are interested, it doesn’t hurt to hang out and explore those options. Now obviously you’d definitely want to take things slow, but the company will help a lot (as long as you don’t bring up the ex). A feeling that there are other fish in the sea will definitely help you get over the “my life is over” break up feeling.  Plus you never know, your new friends and such might end being a whole lot better for you than you imagined. After all, they say the best way to get over an ex love is to find a new one. That’s probably about 40% true, but there’s some truth in it.

 

Anyways. That’s it from me. I’m feeling like a love doctor with this my post, but really I’m not. LOL. So my people, what other ways have you been able to get over an ex – besides slashing his/her tires, and pouring bleach on their clothes. I’m very interested to hear different things. Let’s discuss. Comments, suggestions and “LOLs” are welcome.

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They say birds of the same feather flock together and many times I feel like it’s true but in this instance I hope it’s not. So I’ve been dating this guy for a while, and for the most part he has been a great boyfriend. No real cause to complain, but my major issue is his friends.

His friends are all single, and they party way too much. Every weekend they are going to some club or another and always hanging with random club girls that only God knows what their eye is chooking for. I know my boyfriend doesn’t want anything else, but I feel like he’s always being exposed to easy loose girls by his friends that are single and still mingling. He never tries to keep me away from going out it with him, but most times I don’t feel like going out all the time so I let him go hang with his friends.

Sometimes I over hear the convos his friends have and they are always talking about some girl they smashed or want to smash and all their random escapades. One time they were talking about a girl I knew, and you need to hear how they just disrespecting the girl because she slept with one of them a few times. Are these the kind of friends I want my boyfriend hanging around?

I have tried to encourage him to hang out with more guys who are in relationships or married but he says “They are dry and boring, and never want to do anything.” I don’t understand what he means by that. Is it cos they don’t go out partying all the time? or that they’d rather go to a play or a movie than playing video games with the “homies” and discussing babes?

I feel like his friends are trying to get him to be single again and exposing him to all the things that are out there.He might be good now, but I feel like one day he’ll realize he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and leave me. Or even worse that one of those skanky girls will get their paws on him, and make him cheat.

How do I keep him from hangout with his single friends all the time? I feel like if a guy is serious about a relationship he should be hanging a lot with single friends. Isn’t that distracting? Or am I just being ridiculous?

I’ll appreciate any advice and insight.