Tags Posts tagged with "domestic violence"

domestic violence

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Monalisa Chinda is a Nigerian actress, Film Producer,TV Personality and Media personality.

The actress revealed that she once suffered domestic violence but was lucky enough to have the strength to fight through it and become useful to herself and build her profession. She took to her twitter page yesterday 11th December 2014  and made the revelation. Here’s how she described it below

I was once a victim of Domestic Violence but survived and even stronger, so, YES YOU CAN!’, ‘I say NO to Domestic Violence and you should as-well.’

The actress, will be speaking at The Pearls Conference 2014 today, Friday, December 12, 2014 for a campaign bidding to stop domestic violence in the country, she revealed also that she would share her experience with the audience. this how she puts it

I will be speaking at the Pearls Conference in Abuja tomorrow (today), Friday and it’s an honour to share my experience with the world.’

Domestic violence, is a violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner in relationship or marriage or cohabitation.

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Ok calm down folks. It’s a parody skit from Julius Agwu.

African parody comparison between the Jay Z & Solange Knowles fight alongside with Ray Rice and his fiancee. The ultimate message is “SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE”

Go ahead and watch it though.

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Nollywood actress, Chika Ike in an open letter to her fans, described how she suffered physical abuse in the hands her husband for five years. Below is an open letter from the star actress, Chika Ike.

The past three years has been a very emotional period for me. I focused my energy on work and to build back my self esteem. its been really hard for me to come out straight and talk about this because sometimes I pinch myself to wake up and not believe that I was a victim of domestic violence. I’ve been through a lot in my life, faced a lot of challenges but this is one topic I’ve tried so hard to avoid and have been waiting for the right time but I have come to a resolve that there’s really no right time because every second of the day,lives are being lost due to domestic violence. I was a victiim of domestic violence in my marriage and that was the singular reason I left my marriage, aside other reasons.
Growing up as a girl. I was always known as the sweetest kid on the block, before I got married, I have been through some relationships and for once no man had ever laid a finger on me. The first time it happened in my marriage I didn’t understand it because I am not the type of woman a man beats but I guess there are no types. It just happens and no woman deserves it. As a young girl I thought it was love or his way of expressing his emotions,after every beating he pleads , cries and says it won’t happen again, once again I thought it was love and made excuses for him. Over the years when it kept happening consistently I started looking for other definitions for it. I started loosing my self pride,self esteem , self worth, and most painfully i lost a pregnancy (Miscarriage) I almost lost my life in the process then I realised how serious and abnormal it really was.

I have heard and read a lot of accusations from ignorant people who don’t know my story,I guess that’s why they are ignorant. I was 20yrs old and very naïve to the world when I got married .“ They said I married for money“ LOL. I was married to a corporate guy,who had a 9_5 job in a bank, Lives in a rented 2 bedroom apartment at Egbe.. So do the maths! . I married for love. I did a traditional wedding. A white wedding and a court wedding. So that’s how much I wanted to be married forever. For five years I hoped, prayed & wished that one day it will all change. But the last straw that broke the carmels back was during a heated argument he threw a glass jug to my face and I dogged it and it shattered on d wall. I saw death flash before me and I made a decision to save my life. I left my marriage.

Am not saying this to draw pity from anyone because we are entitled to our opinions and believes. I am not also saying this to discourage people from falling in love because its a beautiful feeling and I still believe in it. I am saying this to educate, share and talk about my experience as a victim of domestic violence because it is real.

 

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I don’t normally write about things to do with relationships and marriage but after watching a recent edition of Insideout by Agatha, I was compelled to do so. They showed a video clip of a woman with severe burns because her husband threw a burning stove on her following an argument.

My heart goes out to this lady and I hope she recovers and get the justice that she deserves. But I want to look at the underlying issues that are challenging relationships and marriages in Nigeria today. I will try as much as possible to avoid viewing it from the prism of one gender or from the blame game that normally characterises discussions of this nature. Where has it all gone wrong for us that after all the fanfare of a colourful wedding what seems to follow is emotional and physical abuse on both sides; perhaps more on the women than men.

My take on this very thorny issue is that we need to look at it from the cultural perspective. Let me make it clear that this is not an attempt to blame culture for where we find ourselves but we can no longer be in denial and continue maintaining our myopic view on an issue that threatens the future of our children’s future relationships. In most Nigerian cultures (if not all), children are raised to think that there is a particular role for the female child usually to do with domestic chores like cooking, cleaning etc while the male child does so-called masculine chores like washing the car, mowing the lawn etc. So from an early age we are raising children with the psychological notion that they are different with an emphasis that the female child is subservient. That may have been ok 50 years ago but we now live in a changing world. In a world where we want to embrace western culture whilst keeping hold of the part of our culture that suits us. Unfortunately, that would always going to lead to conflicts and horrible stories like the one at the start of this piece.

We need to change our attitudes if we are ever going to make progress and that needs to start at an early age in the way we raise our children and what we teach them in school. There is no point getting very hysterical or hypocritical when we hear news of domestic violence when it is happening everywhere around us.

A lot of work needs to be done in families. Top on my list is communication. Do we as parents talk to our children about their relationships? How many mothers talk to their young daughters about their boyfriends? Or do we pretend that they don’t have one? Even if they don’t have one they will eventually do so. How many fathers talk to their young sons about girlfriends? Or are male children given the impression they can do what they want and get away with it?

Our young girls need to be taught that they don’t need to look up to a man to shower them with gifts, because in my view that is not the essence of relationships. Relationships are built on love, trust and respect for each other. But sadly, there are far too many young women in Nigeria who are growing up in a society that makes them believe it is a man’s responsibility to look after them. Self-worth is lost when individuals are made to believe it is somebody else’s responsibility to buy them body cream for example when they need one, I don’t think so.

Our young men on the other needs to be taught early on that a woman should be treated with respect and dignity. They should be made aware that a woman is a symbol of love not sex like seems to be the case these days. These messages need to be reinforced in schools, it shouldn’t stop in the home. Let us not underestimate the value of schools as a force for social change. To achieve this, I will advocate for teaching of relationship education in our schools. One that is based on a curriculum whose core input are made by parents in its formulation to ensure that the good works that is started in the home is not undone in school.

What is happening today is that some people are under this wrong illusion that when they get married, marriage will change them, no it won’t. If your would-be husband is a cheater or abuser, chances are he will continue to do so even in marriage unless  you ofcourse are prepared to put up with it. If your would-be wife is a nag or the type that expects you to foot every bill, chances are she won’t change any time soon when you marry her.

We need education not blame on both men and women if we are ever to succeed and halt this disturbing but nonetheless growing trend of domestic violence. Women need to be empowered but empowerment doesn’t need to start and end at giving them opportunities and education alone. They need social empowerment to  understand they can look after themselves when in a relationship with a man; a point I cannot stress enough. Men also need social empowerment to understand women cannot only be seen but heard and it doesn’t make them any less a man if their views are challenged.

The time has come when we need to have an open and honest debate about how we can move forward in our marriages and relationships. The endless blame, accusations and counter-accusations has led us nowhere. Waiting until people get into marriages is a no-no because by that time it is too late. We need to target our young whose future relationships will also be in great danger if we fail to act now.

Image Source: http://illusionfields.com/tomihutton/category/special-effects-makeup/

The author of this article could be reached via nnaija4life@yahoo.com or http://apenandaheart.blogspot.com/

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My swollen eyelids seem almost impossible to open, they hurt so badly
The unmistakable taste in my mouth, a combination of tears and blood
My lips must be busted again
Every part of my body throbs with soreness
My arms black from bruising
The smell of raw unhealed infected wounds lingered around ever so slightly but present all the same,
The stitches must have come undone and puss seems to be emanating from them
My whole body a reflection of pure torture
The bedside lamp that knocked me unconscious lies on the ground beside me
What had the argument been about this time?
Oh yea….
Apparently a high school friend I hadn’t seen in ages was my new boyfriend

A crippling pain surges from my lower abdomen, seizing it tightly
Oh God please not again!
The dried blood sticking my thighs together tells me that my prayer is too late
Inexplicable emotions all rushing forth to the front of my heart,
Tears painfully seeping through my wounded eyes
Each one a reminder of how long I had held on to this relationship and how much it had cost me
Uncountable wounds, stitches, concussions, broken ribs, two miscarriages
The sound of the tree branches scratching the roof snaps my mind back into reality

I lie still making a quick metal check of which hospital to avoid
A different hospital each time meant no records were available
I can’t spend more than two hours there, I need to clean up this wrecked room, wash his clothes, pick the girls from nursery and make dinner
All before he returns from work
He’ll be back tonight with my favourite, white roses
He would have forgiven me and he’ll ask me to forgive him too
He’ll try to kiss the pain away but what about the pain gnawing my heart away?
This was a perfect marriage though…wasn’t it?
He said I was his and he owned me
This must be true because HE married me
I was lucky to have him, no one else would want me
These words were embedded in me after constant repetition

His words moved crowds on sundays, he counselled couples, he gave advice to those who sought it
He introduced me to his God,
He told me I had to be submissive
He said the girls and I needed discipline
The same discipline his dad trained his mum with
Maybe he was right, I spoke my mind too often
Mama taught me that but maybe she was wrong
Papa was never there to train her…
Maybe this was how it was supposed to be
Then again if this was right, why did my heart object?
Why am I ashamed to talk about it?
There were so many to talk to but who would hear me?
So many to smile with but could anyone see the sorrow behind my smile?
Was there no one who could feel my pain?
I’m probably over reacting, after all he is my support system
I could never manage without him
It was never this bad, he uses anything he can lay his hands on
I can survive, I just need to make sure we never argue in the kitchen
My girls see this everyday, teaching them that this is the love they should receive from their husbands
….and the cycle continues…

(Abuse never stops, it only gets worse. Get help if you are in such a situation.)

image source: http://yourblacknews.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html

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Violence against women has been going on for centuries. GOD Himself told Eve that there would be enmity between her and the Serpent- hence, the ongoing subjugation, maltreatment and brutalization of women worldwide. That is not to say that He doesn’t love women! In fact, Jesus gave much more respect and love to women and did more to liberate and uplift women than Anyone ever did, most especially at the time He was on earth! Nonetheless, the disrespect and violence continues. Most crimes of passion involve physical assault, many times deadly, against women.

The whole “Chrihanna” episode of February 8th last year really brought out the issue of physical assault on women to the forefront. I mean, if this pretty superstar could be beaten up by her equally famous superstar boyfriend then what about us “mere mortals”? (BTW: this is out of context but isn’t it ironic that she has songs aptly titled “Rehab” and “Emergency Room”?) And this wasn’t just a few slaps upside the head, no. It was the whole shebang!! I guess we’ve all seen the pics that circulated the internet.

Anyway, I got to thinking about it and I wonder…do you realize that some people can actually rationalize beating a woman up??Yes, they do! It varies from “Oh, I didn’t really hit her THAT hard” (You blacked her eye and split her lip,ChRambo!) to “She deserved it” to “Women need a bit of that to keep them in line” and the list goes on.

Now mind you I will admit that some of us women can look for TROUBLE with a capital T!! I have heard of some girls deliberately goading men into seeing what they(men) will do or how they will react!! For instance, you may hear of a woman saying: “Yeah,that’s right,you punk!!!Yeah! Whatcha gonna do,huh? You gonna hit me,huh? Huh? You wuss!!” In the process some of these ladies won’t even give the guy a chance to walk away: they are all up in his face!! Now, some guys are in control and will walk away angry while some others will turn around, look at the lady and…..WHAP!!!One right smack in the kisser!!!

Ladies, not all men are chivalrous gentlemen! There are some who will take a slap calmly and walk away or not hit you back but there are some that will beat the oestrogen out of you and scatter your hair, nails and makeup in the process!! So a note to the ladies: if he’s that much of a schmuck, walk away and don’t look back. Don’t goad or provoke any man thoughtlessly. After all, they do have 30% more muscle than we do and believe me that can go a long way and do a lot of damage in a single punch!) And on the offside…it would also help to have big burly brothers or friends who can back you up!! Men should be able to control themselves but then, not all of them do.

A lot of a man’s self control depends on his background is. Some men will NEVER ever hit a woman no matter how she goads and provokes them. In most cases it is because their fathers (or other relevant male figures) taught them the value of self control. Some men are also not naturally temperamental or aggresive.

Personally, I just don’t think men should hit women (or vice versa). There’s no need, really. There are better, more civilized methods of handling disagreements. Not everything has to be handled physically. And what do you do when the man and woman have roughly the same level of strength or physical training? Do they fight until the death? Sure, the average man could be beaten up by Cynthia Rothrock but try pitting her up against Jet Li…and they are both about the same size! How do you think that would end up?

“Blessed are the peacemakers” it is said in the Bible but how can one “make” a woman “peaceful” by physically assaulting her? The only thing that would achieve is instill fear and pent up rage in her and is that really necessary? We women respond to love: TLC… basically mushy stuff. Instead of slapping a lady give her ‘the eye’ (and ALL men have that ‘look’ in their arsenal) and walk away, stay out for a bit till you cool down. Believe me, when you come back she’s likely to have calmed down and you can both rationally solve the problem.

What do you think? Is physical violence in relationships justified on either side? Can it ever really solve anything?

Photo Credits: http://www.bvonmoney.com/2010/06/08/chris-brown-uk-ban-beating/

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“I was on the floor unable to comprehend what just happened. I had been hit in the face by a guy I had given up a lot for. I was unable to understand this disrespect! I was about to get up when he stood over me and he started hitting me again. I was wondering where the nice guy I met had gone to. He slapped, he kicked, he punched and all that was left for me to do was die! When he was done he walked out of the room. For about an hour I was on the floor wondering if I was going to die. I could not even get up to call the police.

I wanted to call my mother so bad but I did not have the guts to. What would I say? After another hour I was able to move. I got to the phone and dialed 911 but I did not press the call button. I started to think of how his life would ruin if I called the police on him. He later came into the room yelling at me and the next thing he threw all my clothes outside. Then he threw me outside. I called my friend to come get me and she did. i was over with this man. Done!

After a couple of weeks, I got my own place. my first visitor was him. He came to beg but when he entered my apartment he was shocked to find another man there (my ex). He started yelling on the guy about how I was his girl.  My ex looked at him like he was crazy. He finally left my house and I cried but my ex comforted me. I was starting to like my ex back but something inside of me kept saying I was wrong not to give my battering boyfriend another chance. I told my ex I was sorry and called my boyfriend up. He came over and he forgave me for my indiscretions. he told me that the only forgiveness he would hear is one whole week of unprotected sex. I was confused but I gave in. This relationship was bound to work right. I told him that my own condition was for him to call the other girl he was seeing up and tell her it was over. He said he would.

After one week I did not hear anything about the girl I asked him if he had told her, he said no. I called her for him and the girl and I got into a heated fight over the phone. My boyfriend got so mad and he walked out of the house.

I called him but for one week he did not return my calls so I went to his house. The girl was the one who opened the door and I was mad. Apparently they had been living together for months. I was mad! My boyfriend kicked me out of his house. I found out the girl was pregnant. Two months later I found out I was pregnant.

I told him and he denied my baby. He said I had been sleeping with the guy he met in my house the other day. I called his sister who happens to be my friend and she hung up on me. I called his mother and she insulted me and called me a prostitute. Then I remembered I was in America. I could have child support cover his ass. when he realized my approach his mother called me to beg on his behalf and i was part of the family now. I feel much better.

I am pregnant for the man I love and part of the family I love. ”

This story was told to me by a friend of mine. When I hear how people insult the men that hit women, I wonder why they allow the women go scott free. If this girl was confident in herself and smart she would not be in such a stupid situation. A man who hits a woman is a weakling but a woman who accepts the beating as love is a fool. STAND YOUR GROUND AND STOP PHYSICAL ABUSE!

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I went to a friend’s party on night and I saw this guy… he wasn’t the finest but he was good looking enough, he was not the best dressed, but he was stylish enough. For me he was enough for me physically but now how will he know it. I saw him talking to this other girl, laughing with her and I sort of felt jealous. I asked my friend if she knew him and it turned out that she did. I wanted an introduction, I needed to meet him, so my friend told me not to worry, she’ll hook me up.  Minutes later the guy walked up to me, he looked at me like he could see my soul and he said hi. I felt like a princess, it was like wow, was my friend that good at psyching guys or was I really just attractive to this guy? He told me he had been watching me look at him and I was like ” funny you should mention that but I had been watching you do the same thing”… this was me flirting seriously, flirting is one of my weakest points… we exchanged numbers, and we started calling each other, two months after we started dating. i was in relationship heaven.

I introduced him to my parents after a month of dating and my mother had feelings about him I did not like. I was very upset with her. If I needed an enemy of progress I would not want it to be my mother. After one week she told me to break up with him that he was not my husband. All I was thinking was who said anything about marriage. Yes I’m 25, but does it have to be marriage. After that day that I fully acknowledged to my parents that I was not breaking up with my new boyfriend, they started treating me bad. I had no peace so I moved in with my boyfriend and he was the happiest.

My relationship bliss continued until his birthday party. I saw him in the corner talking to the same girl I saw him with the night I met him. The way they were whispering in each others ears was a little uncomfortable for me but I ignored it. My man was not cheating on me, if he were he would not have asked me to move in with him. I was talking and playing hostess when I noticed he had disappeared and so had the girl, I went to the rooms to look for him but he wasn’t there.  I asked his friend and then he told me he had stepped out to get some more booze, but the only problem I had was there was excess “booze” so I stepped out after him and I saw his car still there. I walked up to his car, and when I saw him with her, I was furious. I mean really pissed off. I knocked on the back seat window so he knows I saw him. He came out of the car, shocked, wondering how I knew he was there and all I could do was look at him in disbelief and ask why.  One the other hand, the girl came out of the car with no remorse, looking at me from head to toe like I had encroached on her territory, but I could not have that. I proceeded to say all the insulting words I knew I could use in this situation to her, and he had to hold me back as I was ready to  rip her apart. I yelled at him to let me go and when he did I walked into the party again and pretended all was well.

When the party was over I confronted him, still furious, but he was just quiet. As I was still yelling and shouting, he got up, and before I could understand what was happening his hand landed on my face…

part 2 coming soon…