Tags Posts tagged with "diary of a great jambite lion"

diary of a great jambite lion

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One of the great things about UNN is that you’re bound to get a solid education once you’ve passed through the 4 walls of that institution. What is a solid education? It’s what you learn both inside and outside of the classroom. Part of ‘uni’ life is experiencing new things, and learning different things everyday. That’s why the university environment gives a “well rounded” education.

But out of all the things I learned in my few years at Nsukka, none were as memorable and life changing as the one I got from a certain teacher one night.

Her name was Miss A… Well we’ll just call her that. She was in a  my group of friends. We all hung out in a sizable clique of peeps that were into entertainment, all the latest dance moves, clothes, movies, and all things vain. That was what connected most of us really. Some people nick-named us the Channel O children, but that’s besides the point.

Miss A had taken a liking to me, and even though I was never  really attracted to her, I kinda just allowed the flirting as I figured it was just harmless and general fun stuff. We were never together at the same place alone so I had nothing to worry about really… Well until one night. The night I was to get the first lesson in a well rounded education.

It was late. I’d say about midnight or so, and I got a random knock on my door. Usually a knock that late on my door can’t be good (see part 6 & 7). My roommates weren’t around so I was even more afraid of answering but after asking, I opened the door. It was Miss A, and she explained that she was stranded and needed a place to stay for the night. Her hostel was obviously closed, and okadas were not really flying that late at night on a weekday. She explained she came to see a guy she was talking to, and waited and waited for him and he never came back to his room. So she just decided to leave as she didn’t want to stay any longer especially cos his roommates were there.

Not exactly sure how this translated to coming to my room to spend the night, but I didn’t argue. She might actually be stranded. Who knows? I gave her a wrapper and told her she could go ahead and sleep, and I’ll continue doing some reading I had to do before going to sleep.

Eventually after an hour or so I turned off the lights and laid down on the mattress also and went to sleep.

Now I don’t know how to explain what happened next, but somehow I woke up slowly to an extremely pleasurable experience going on south of the border. If you’ve ever experienced this you’d know that it has no explanation. I opened my eyes slightly and I just saw what I had only seen in “blue films” before. Miss A was giving an award acceptance speech, and I was the mic. Yes she was rocking the mic, and boy oh boy that speech should have won its own Emmy Award. I was both in shock and ecstasy at the same time. “This can’t be happening to me. Ole Boy!! Nah so this thing sweet? Omo man.

When she realized I had woken up, she really went to work, and in X number of minutes, the glorious end came, and I was left laying down, looking at the ceiling thinking “This is the best thing in the world. How could this kind of thing exist and I wasn’t told before. Is this kind of extreme enjoyment even legal?

Now it’s not like I was a virgin or anything like that, but I was a virgin to that, and up until that moment I never understood why it was included as part of extra curricular activities. But now I’m a believer! I’m ready to make it a law sef!

For the next few months, Miss A became my favorite teacher at Nsukka. She liked teaching, I liked learning, and we didn’t have that other thing named jealousy in the picture.

You know how there are classes you take that almost cement what you want to do with your career? This class did just that for my extra curricular career. I knew at that moment.

So thanks to Miss A, and Nsukka, I had gotten a well rounded education in the University.

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So after that experience with the exam attack, I was like, Lai Lai. Me and Cult shall not be friends. I would mind my business and just give them chance abeg. Me I no want. I had some friends who I kinda knew had blended but I didn’t judge. Just not my thing.

But then one day, something will test me to the point that I almost vexed and said I must do my own.

One day one of my friends, let’s call her M4, and I decided to go buy suya near SUB (Student Union Building). M4 and I always hung out and her boyfriend at the time didn’t send. We were all cool, so it was no biggie. Now m4 nah halfcast babe so we used to call her flourescent light cos she would just stickout among us regular darker naija peeps. Plus she always attracted attention of toasters cos she was a fine babe also.

So that day now, we’re walking to towards SUB from somewhere I can’t remember and shortly before we get to SUB one guy just calls me “Bros. How far?” It was dark so I couldn’t really see him so I stopped to see who he was. M4 probably didn’t notice that I stopped so she just continued to SUB.

When I got close enough to see the guy, and knowing that I didn’t recognize him, I just replied “how far bros?”. Dude just goes straight to the point and asked “wetin u dey do with my babe?”

Now at this I’m looking at dude like, this bros is not well o. I know M4’s bobo and he’s certainly not this guy. So I tell him “Bros no dey misyarn now, no be ur babe be dat. I know her bobo well well.”

Apparently that was not the best of things to say. Dude looks at me like what audacity do I have and replies “so u talk say I dey misyarn. U open ur mouth talk say I dey misyarn!! You dey call me liar!!” At that moment, you know how in the movies you see people appear from the dark? I swear like 3 other guys just literally appeared from the dark. “So you talk say our boss dey misyarn?” one of them said.

Before I could even open my mouth to say anything, na so slap land my face. Tawai!! *Yes it sounded like that* Tawai!! Now as a guy, the worst thing another guy can do to you is slap you or spit in your face. I’d rather have taken a punch. But then I looked up and saw those 4 guys. Eyes red as who knows what, and I thought to myself, maybe this is the time to use your head small, cos the first thing I was about to do was swing a punch. But I didn’t. Somehow the liver I had in my body decided to fail.

One guy just shouted “Vamoose from here before we finish you here! Bloody civilian!” And like the liverless boy that I was at that moment, I just hailed one okada and hopped my slapped ass back to Zik’s flats. The whole ride I was just silent.

When I got home, I just sat in my room thinking “Bloody Civilian!… Me? Bloody Civilian.” My mind at that moment was to find how me I was going to do my own back, and I was ready to ask my guy. It didn’t make it any better that M4 came to the hostel later on and started raking. “How can they do that? Who do they think they are?” I’m looking at M4 like  “Na because of you I chop slap this night o, and you’re coming here to make noise.” *hiss*… Please just shift.

But instead of letting my blood boil too much, I drank one bottle of star, and slept. The next morning I climbed bike and went for morning mass, and prayed for God’s protection while in school. One good decision I made.

We Thank God for Jesus!

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So one of the most interesting things about going to a public uni in Naija is cult life. Not like you have to be in one, but the stories were always flowing and in many ways, the activities of cults on campus just always created some sort of action film environment. If you went to uni in Naija you definitely have some sort of cult story. Either you joined, you were harassed by cult boys, you were toasted by one, or you just around when something went down, or maybe you saw a mutilated dead body… who knows?

Me jejely as an ajebo liverless boy, the idea of joining cult was not even entertained sef. Even though at some point my popsy ‘suspected‘ I was in one cos of my partying life style, my mind no strong reach there.

In my 2 years in Nsukka, I had 2 “major” encounters with confra guys.

First one wasn’t really a personal one, but the shit was as real as it get. It was first year chemistry exam (Chem 101 I think). We were in the major science building shaped like a quadrangle on the 3rd floor about to start writing our exam when all of a sudden there was commotion across the hall.

As we were still trying to figure out what was happening, 2 “strong face” boys barged into the classroom. One carrying a machette and another carrying a pistol.  They were definitely looking for someone, and unfortunately for us he was in our class. That’s how omo boy sitting a few seats behind me crashed out of the window and just took. Yes we were on the 3rd floor and bros jumped with no hesitation.

And then trust our people. Once those guys ran out to go chase the wanted bros, all man scatter from class room. All you could hear around the building as people ran was screaming girls, and random chants of “Blood Of Jesus. Blood Of Jesus!” In retrospect it was actually quite hilarious. But at the moment , your adrenaline is pumping, and your senses are super alert as you’re fleeing the area.

By the time I got downstairs some people had run all the way back to their hostels. Some girls were crying, and me I was just there stunned like “damn! All these stories I’ve been hearing about exam time and graduation time is true o.” At that moment I confirmed that this kind life can’t be for me at all.

Word on the street was they found the guy’s head near observatory, and his body near school gate. Me I no see, but the gist seemed pretty strong that it was hard not to believe.

Now my second experience with cult boys will almost make me reconsider not ‘blending’

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So it’s end of semester, and it time to go home. By this time I had gone home twice already cos of strike, but this one was the end of semester and I was pretty much cleaned dry. By time I calculated how much I had with me, and how far it can take me, I decided that maybe entering bus at obollo afor rather than 9th mile will save me money. If you’re from the east and u go up to the north you’ll understand why.

Anyways, I calculated. Bus to obollo afor, bus to jos, and okada to the house. Money should reach right on point.

I get to obollo afor, at about 10pm at night and the place is even more alive than in the day time. It’s like the place jumps off at night or something. Me and one my guys that’s also a jos boy, get there and start waiting for a bus heading to jos. Not long after we were standing on the road, 2 babes walk up to us and say “hey fine boys. Me and my friend want to show you something.” Me being the JJC that I am, thought it was someone selling akara or fried yam so I said no thank you, we don chop already. Babe responded “not that one, this one *pointing to her crocth*”. Ah! Omo see o. I had never seen a real life prostitute before then, and it was just crazy how bold they were. Me and my guy just said abeg o. We no do, and just laughed it off. Konji no hook like that abeg, and that environment was not the sexiest of places.

Anyways, bus lands, and it’s time to hop on. Conductor started calling price, and then it hit me. Omo I no get money complete o. Neither does my guy. After begging and arguing with conductor we realized we had no choice but to enter attachment. Last bus for the night and if we no enter, nah sleep we go sleep for obollo afor.

Now when it comes to attachment there are different levels. There’s sitting on the small bench in the middle isle, sitting on someone’s bag, and lastly standing with holding on to the rail. Of course as luck would have it, it was only the standup attachment left. So me and my guy had no choice but to do that.

This is by far the worst journey I have ever been on, and I hope it stays that way. Imagine standing in a bus (naija night bus for that matter) for 8 hours and hanging on to a rail. I mean the thing was pure hell. By the time we got to jos, I couldn’t bring my arm all the way down cos it had been raised for so long. At some point I had to sit down on the floor, until one woman shouted at me for leaning on her bag of tomatoes.

We get to Jos at about 5am, and the only thing left to do is get home. I don’t know if you’ve been to Jos during hamattan season, but it is dusty as the sahara desert. Imagine riding okada, carry your load, at about 5am, with that dusty cold wind blowing in your face. By the time I knocked on the house door, I looked like I had just finished working at a cement factory. Face, mustache, eye brow, eye lashes, lips and everything were ashy white…. And I still couldn’t put my arms all the way down comfortably.

Jesus Christ! I cant suffer this kind suffer again o. Lai Lai… but something made me feel better. Another of my guys got to obollo afor even later than we did, with no money and ended up entering gwongoro with the mallams and their cows. Yes! It gets that bad for some folks.

But more humiliating was what was going to happen to me when I got back to school

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When I refer to Math 111 I’m talking about the first year class that we all had to take. I’m also referring to a girl that saved my jambite year from the land of wor wor-ism.

Math 111 was introduced to me actually by a family friend. When she found out I was at nsukka, she said oh, u should meet my friend ____. She showed me a pic of her (b4 facebook and BB days) and I was like cool. “If I see her, I’ll def say hey.” And so a few weeks after being back in school I met her after math 111 class hence the name math 111.

Now math 111 was one of those creme Enugu babes that spoke igbo with fone` Independence layout babes. U know those ‘I have bros and sisters in yankee, and I’m really just here cos of xyz reason’ type of babes. Well spoken, dressed like a channel O video babe, and was very smart too.

Finally!! A creme, correct babe all round that I can hang with. Once I knew Math 111 was at least willing to hang out with me, I went to jewel and just told her it won’t work out. Not like there was anything to actually break off sef, but just in case. Funny enough the day I went to tell Jewel that it wont work, there was one ‘Nna’ boy in room forming toasting, and when I told her in private she wasn’t even bothered sef. For the most part, I was not ‘Igbo’ enough for her. I guess maybe if I pulled my lime green trouser above my belly button then I’d fit… ok just kidding. But really it ended up being a mutual thing. I was just glad she wasn’t upset.

Now on to bigger better tings. Math 111 and I started hanging a lot, and I used her to shine ehn. She will hold my hand, and be very cuddly in public, and all that stuff. It looked good on me because all the other ajebo PH, Lagos, Abuja babes that would never blink at me started saying hi/hello. But the costs were very steep. As a chasis babe, Math 111 would not enter bike like the rest of us -it was cab or nothing. She would never step foot in ziks flats – for good reasoon sha, cos babes that came there were whistled at and much more. She will not eat at Mama Leke, so everytime she said let’s go do lunch after class boys had to look at their pocket well well b4 saying yes or “my uncle wants me to see him.” I mean going to all these advanced places you’ll order fried rice, meat, mineral for you and the babe. I mean it’s somehow if she’s the only one eating meat and you’re not, so in my mind I was eating birthday food everyday without the birthday money.

The math 111 semester was a good one, but omo after a while boyz had too analyse the scenario. Na so so posing I dey do. Pant I no see, kiss I no get, and I’ll be entering cab all the time like say I be big boy. Chopping meat everyday for what? Abegi. Babe had to go.

So one night we’re walking to mary slessor hall where she stayed and I’m about to tell her we should cut down on the hanging out, and she just drops the news that she’s getting married. One lawyer guy she’d been seeing in Enugu was ready to seal the deal and she was ready to do it too.

Well damn! Na wa o. I won’t lie even tho I was about to end it, it pained me small. Na so I dey pose with babe, dey do sufferhead with my small pocket money, and one big boi lawyer guy for Enugu has already uprooted the tree from the source. Bad guys inc. Isokay

Anyways, good thing it was close to end of semester so it was time to go home. No money to enter bus from 9th mile so boyz had head to obollo afor for night bus tings… Another night I’ll never forget.

 

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So now I’m heading back to Nsukka with clear eye. I shall no longer be tricked into riding okada with local babes anymore. From now on, nah only creme babes. Lagos, PH, Enugu, Abuja, Calabar, KD, Benin, Jos… That’s it. If una no get airport, then I’m not doing.

So I hopped on that plateau riders bus heading for the east, and somehow I actually can’t believe I’m excited to go back to school. In the midst of all the bags of potatoes, and tomatoes in the middle of the bus, I was actually excited about going to school. Maybe it was the money I had. Yes, I had money. Money that would soon evaporate.

Now the thing about having a lot of money when you go back to school is that you actually think it’ll last forever. When everyone comes back from home they’re chopping fried rice, plantain with extra meat, with mineral, etc. When times are hard nah okpa and pure water in the morning and akpu with draw soup and no meat for night. There’s a worse stage: When the well is dry. Zero naira and Zero kobo. Let me share this story.

So me and OD are sitting in his room one day, just jejely thinking of which babe’s room we’ll go to to “visit” and use style to eat food there. Next thing, one of my guys, Bishop, burst into the room and starts crying. Now we’re both looking at dude, like “ole boy, person don die?” Bishop looks and says no, but “abeg make somebody borrow me 5 naira. I never chop since yesterday and I don sleep tire hoping the hunger will go away.” My guy contiinues with “omo I swear as I wake up now, nah tooothpaste I lick sef cos nah the only kind of food wey I get. I swear God go bless una if una fit give me 5 naira.”

Me and OD look ourselves like we don see who we better pass o. Damn homie! Nah hunger dey make my guy dey cry like this so? Wow.

So we start going door to door and begging for 5 naira. Eventually one of our neighbors, Musa gave us 20 naira, and the funny thing is the moment he did, see how we begin celebrate. I mean we turned up the music in the room and danced for like 10 mins b4 we went down to go buy fried yam and akara. After we all ate, and bishop had left, I looked at OD and said ” Omo u see as bishop dey cry?… Damn! Nna Hunger nah bad ting o”I swear this shit happened years ago, but I’ll never forget it. The feeling of being so hungry and so hopeless as to where ur next meal is coming from is just crazy.

But yea… Back to this journey back to Nsukka.

To be continued

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Now Jewel was for all intensive purposes a razz bush girl. She wore those long skirt suits around with different colors, orange, lime green, flowery, sky blue. You name it she had it and wore it to class on the regular. She def wasn’t anyone I’d be proud of being my first UNN runs, but like I said, given the circumstances. I’m a jambite, staying in Ziks flats with roommates, no car, no money, and no big name father. My standards has to fit somewhere. On the flipside though, she was one of the most down to earth babes I’d meet in Nsukka.

So one day me and OD decided to have a make shift house party with jewel and her friend. Yes 2 boyz, 2 girls, and a cd player that had 2 cds. Boys 2 men, and Mariah carey. We had a few bottles of guiness stout in the room, and in 3,2,1 blue light comes on and party don start be that.

Now the highlight of this night, besides the smooching all night, was that jewel didn’t know the name to Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby” so anytime she wanted us to replay the song she’ll just say “play do do doop” (like the first adlibs of the song). Actually I lied, she’ll say it in igbo “Tinye do do doop.” LOL. I swear I’ll never forget that in my life cos she said it so many times, but at that moment wetin concern me, I was smooching my first university nyash, and tapping current for the first time in Uni. Somehow, someway by default, that was how jewel became my first Uni main squeeze.

We did everything together. School, shows, ride okada to the market, eat at Mama Leke and everything else. Funny enough I never got around to ‘sealing the deal‘. I don’t think I really wanted to actually. I enjoyed the company more than anything. Jewel was just right in my eyes. Nothing spoil.

But then I went to Jos during one of our strikes, and when my aunt asked who my main girl was, I showed her a pic, and she looked at me like… “what the heck?” Then I looked at the pic myself and thought the same thing. What the heck was I thinking? Somehow at that moment in jos, my eyes cleared and I saw those long “to your ankle” skirt suits, and was instantly convinced that I had been jazzed. This could’ve made for a good nollywood moment if there was a prayer session LOL.

Yeaaahh!! This needed to end the moment I got back to school. Even my makeshift babe in jos had a fill day laughing at me for weeks. So when it was time to head back, I did so with the full intention of going straight to Jewel & telling her it was over.

To be continued…

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I still remember when I first crossed that state line that said, Welcome to Enugu state, and it wasn’t festive season. Obollo afor that is usually packed during xmas season seemed like any other regular market. No traffic really, and driving by was a breeze through. Yes, I was going down to the east for school and not for christmas. Brand new experience for me.

We navigate through and eventually get to Nsukka, and not long after we get to the school gate that looked like it was from 1935. “Welcome to University of Nigeria, Nsukka. To Restore The Dignity Of Man.” I looked at my mom and was like “Is this the school everyone has been making noise about? What dignity are we restoring actually? The place looks like a village.” …and really it did. Little errand kids (umu nsukka) were running around the place, and there way more okadas than I had ever seen in my life.

As a jos boy I was used to a certain type of ajebo life (pre-crisis), and that was not what was going to happen in this town or village sef. The place was hot, red dust was everywhere, women were selling okpa in wheel barrows, and everyone’s face on campus was just very strong. You know when you see strong face you go know say the place is not for the fried rice boys.

My momsy was only going to spend 1 day with me and then just deposit me with my uncle. First things first, registration, where I met OD who will end up being my main man for the duration of my stay in UNN, and then get the key to my room. This was 1 tiny room that I was jejely thinking was just mine until 2 other “strong face” guys show up and say they are my roommates. I introduced myself, and then I decided to go shopping with momsy. After going shopping, guess what I came back with? A bucket, 1 of those thin matresses, a broom, a bag of garri, and pack of st Louis sugar. It was like boarding school all over again. I thought Uni is supposed be permanent flexing and chopping life with plenty plenty babes around. Lai lai o. That was not happening in these parts… at least not yet. Funny enough the last thing that came to my mind, was the academic aspect of the school which was really top-notch.

So far though, nothing was exciting about Nsukka. “This Uni sucks. I should’ve just stayed in UniJos where I know people, or maybe gone to UI. At least lagos is not far from there.” But on the bright side, OD had his room across from mine, so at least I don make one friend from this zone. OD was from Okigwe, and seemed to know area pretty well.

Thank God that I had an uncle sef that was a prof so at least I went to his house to eat rice, and enjoy small AC. I met my cousins, Magad & TC who were around my age, so they were cool, and then I met a friend of theirs. The finest short girl I had seen in my life till date. She ended up being known to all of us as AAA (like the small size battery). We had nicknames for all the babes we talked about, but that one nah another story. Lol.

Anyways, after a few days, I started getting settled and got a hang of the place, and started to feel more at home. Me & OD had become correct friends as per we lived across from each other and had the same course so we pretty much likes twins. Yea people called us that.

Weeks went by, and one thing was apparent. Nsukka was a good school but it was dry, had very few fine babes (at first anyways), and a lot of the fine babes that came into this school just downgraded themselves somehow…Village effect if you will, and after a while when you’re around peeps that are not so into their looks you tend to adjust your eye small. That’s what happened when I met my first uni runs. Let’s call her Jewel.

To Be Continued.