Tags Posts tagged with "commitment"

commitment

Toyin Aimakhu and Johnson’s marriage break up has been the latest worry and concern of so many Blogs and social media handles, but there’s good news to the public as the Bonny and Clyde both released same statement saying that they have decided to move on, reconcile and correct their mistakes .they further stated their gratitude to Blogs and the public for showing concern and love in their moment of trial. Read their statement below

“With the heart of appreciation and sincerity we write: There’s no fire without smoke.. for every marriage and journey there are moments of storm, that was our stormy and trying times. The recent event obviously made us know how important our marriage is and that a lot of lives and destiny are attached to ours, we never knew the weight our marriage carried until now, we discovered a lot of destiny and glory hangs on our own… may we not let GOD and you down……To the bloggers who blogged we appreciate you, u might think you wrote a news but it turned out to restored our happiness and home back so to all the bloggers we say a big thank you. We’ve learnt our lessons, corrected our mistakes and choose to move on. This event made us know who our friends and well wishers are… we are short of words and filled with gratitude 1st to our parents, our spiritual parents, adopted parents, friends, colleagues and fanssssss…OMG!!! 

Our fans you guys are the best… for your calls, text messages, emails, pings, whatsapp messages, facebookcomments and messages…. we love you all… the bible says when we pass through fire it won’t burn us and through water it won’t drown us and whenever we pass through storms it will not overpower us(Isaiah 43:2-3).
May God still all storms in our lives and make everyone happy…. whatever you hear from us henceforth shall be goodnews… we wish you all the best and love you all… ADENIYI JOHNSON and TOYIN AIMAKHU JOHNSON

Toyin Aimakhu and Johnson’s marriage break up has been the latest worry and concern of so many Blogs and social media handles, but there’s good news to the public as the Bonny and Clyde both released same statement saying that they have decided to move on, reconcile and correct their mistakes .they further stated their gratitude to Blogs and the public for showing concern and love in their moment of trial. Read their statement below

“With the heart of appreciation and sincerity we write: There’s no fire without smoke.. for every marriage and journey there are moments of storm, that was our stormy and trying times. The recent event obviously made us know how important our marriage is and that a lot of lives and destiny are attached to ours, we never knew the weight our marriage carried until now, we discovered a lot of destiny and glory hangs on our own… may we not let GOD and you down……To the bloggers who blogged we appreciate you, u might think you wrote a news but it turned out to restored our happiness and home back so to all the bloggers we say a big thank you. We’ve learnt our lessons, corrected our mistakes and choose to move on. This event made us know who our friends and well wishers are… we are short of words and filled with gratitude 1st to our parents, our spiritual parents, adopted parents, friends, colleagues and fanssssss…OMG!!! 

Our fans you guys are the best… for your calls, text messages, emails, pings, whatsapp messages, facebookcomments and messages…. we love you all… the bible says when we pass through fire it won’t burn us and through water it won’t drown us and whenever we pass through storms it will not overpower us(Isaiah 43:2-3).
May God still all storms in our lives and make everyone happy…. whatever you hear from us henceforth shall be goodnews… we wish you all the best and love you all… ADENIYI JOHNSON and TOYIN AIMAKHU JOHNSON

Dear Nwavic,

My boyfriend and I are both 23 and were high school sweethearts in Nigeria before we moved here and continued our relationship. We’ve been together for so long and love each other dearly. We are both graduates and have secured good jobs. The problem is that I am ready to get engaged, married and start a family but he thinks we are too young. All my friends are getting engaged and married and every time we attend a wedding, I feel this deep sensation in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it’s resentment for him. I want to be with him for life and he says the same, but not now. He just wants to move in together for now. By the way, I’m Nigerian, so if I move in, I’ll have to do it behind my parents’ back or they’ll physically fly into the country and drag me back to Nigeria. How do I convince him to propose?

Sincerely,

Pained in New Jersey

Dear Pained in New Jersey,

Thanks for writing NwaVic at dearnwavic@gmail.com. Ahhh I feel like I’ve answered this question before, if not directly in a post, but subtly in numerous posts. But your letter is a good opportunity for me to cover this more directly. Here’s the hard truth: You cannot “make” anyone do what they do not want to do. And you shouldn’t “settle” for anything you don’t want to do. He shouldn’t have to marry you before he’s ready and you shouldn’t have to move in with him, if you don’t want to.

But wait, first consider that you’re “able” to “get” him to propose before he’s ready by nagging him about it, giving him a “marry me or I’m out” ultimatum or “getting pregnant” (don’t wince at the latter. People do it all the time. Someone once told me to get pregnant for a man to hasten the process..I just stared blankly at them and said “you can’t be serious”).  Then, you have a wedding. But then you have entered a marriage for you, by yourself. You’re the only one who has what you want. So, then you can’t blame him when he starts to resent you,  for making him marry you just to keep you happy. Don’t start to cry when you find out, you’re all “settled” while he continues to live a “single” life. Maybe you have kids, then you find out that he’s cheating or that he spends more time outside than in your home, while you get worn out tending to the kids all by yourself. Then you divorce him and find yourself single at 26 because a marriage where you both aren’t on the same page is no marriage at all.

Here’s the better scenario….hard but worth it. You have a serious conversation with him to find out what his own timeline is. Then you accept the truth. Marriage is only successful for the long term when you enter into it with someone as committed to it as you are.

This gives you two options: 

Option A: You decide you love him too much to leave, so you wait. This would mean living-down your own life expectations. This would mean you can’t pressure or resent him. You would have to enjoy the relationship, just as it is, convinced that he is worth the wait and bearing in mind that just because you waited, doesn’t guarantee you a marriage in the future. You have to know that just because you stayed doesn’t mean you have paid him to “owe” you marriage in the future. For as long as you’re not married, it’s still a “maybe”.

Option B: You resolve that not every “longterm relationship” is meant to end up in a marriage. You decide that what you want for yourself matters more. It’s okay to decide you both have different priorities and move on. It’s been said that the surest way to win a man back is to stop caring. It has a way of bringing them back. But by then, you would have stopped caring.” So even after you move on, if it’s meant to be, he’ll circle back to you but then he’ll be doing that on his own accord. You’ll then have the choice to reassess what he has to offer. You are young. There’s no rush. So, better still with time, you can then find someone who not only loves you, but is on the same page as you are.

I like Option B because I lived it. Well, kindda. And even though it’s always a hard decision to walk away, it was the most rewarding gift I have ever given myself. Regardless of the option you choose, know thisNo matter how much you trust a person, the only person you can control whether or not they disappoint you is yourself. Trust yourself and your instincts. Never settle for less than what you want for yourself.  And never substitute your life plan for someone else’s. 

Best of Luck!

Stay Inspired….

NwaVic – www.nwavic.blogspot.com | dearnwavic@gmail.com |Twitter & Instagram @nwavicesq

 

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“He cannot stand her.  They haven’t lived together in years.  They don’t get along”  are the most common phrases used to justify being a mistress.  Women reason that because their boyfriends are separated or unhappy with their marriage, it makes it okay to have a relationship with someone else’s husband.  However, any woman presenting herself as a girlfriend when in a relationship with a married man is deceiving herself because the only title best-fitting her is mistress.

 

Take for example aunty Ihuoma, (called aunty out of respect-no direct relation) a 47 year old mother of four children.  Her boyfriend of seven years has an estranged wife who he has been legally married to for more than 20 years.  While the two have been separated for 10 years, it was no mutual agreement-he abandoned her.  Despite knowing about his relationship status, aunty Ihuoma  has had two children by him.  Furthermore, she presents her boyfriend to people as her husband and even wears a useless ring on her left finger to throw people off.  Her need to pretend shows that she is embarrassed about her situation and as a result she lies about the family she wishes to have.

 

In recent conversation, a former colleague explained that her boyfriend of six years has yet to get a divorce.  It’s strange because anyone would think that six years is plenty of time to legally end a marriage. She continues to be with him because she expresses she cannot see herself with anyone else and whether he is married or not, she is in love with him.  Though many would ask, if made immediately aware about a man’s relationship status, why get involved because naturally, emotions start to develop as effort from both parties are made. Before pursuing relationships outside of the marriage, the practical thing to do is to end it if it is truly over.

 

To outsiders looking in, they would assume that their relationship is perfectly legit.  She and her boyfriend live together, go grocery shopping together, sleep together in the same hotel bed whenever they travel, and do everything else in “perfect” harmony. Obviously, the two act as a normal couple though in actuality their entire relationship is a lie. The truth is that as long as he is married she will never be his wife whether she chooses to propose for a second time. YES, a second time.  Her proposal to marry her boyfriend led to nothing-he dismissed her gesture by laughing it off and the two clearly remain unmarried.  As long as he is married, another woman bears his last name and a more respectable title other than mistress.

 

A well known public figure, R&B singer Fantasia was the center in a huge scandal that involved a married man for the last three years.  Some months after dating her boyfriend Antwaun, she learned that he was married and took to the public by explaining that she did not know of his relationship status.  As expected, her first reaction was to get upset with him.  However, she obviously got over it and went back to him.  Her excuse for continuing the relationship was that he was separated and going through the divorce process.   Clearly, as long as she was promised by her boyfriend that he would get a divorce, it made it okay to continue being with him because eventually he was going to officially be unmarried.

 

Women in these relationships have the audacity to have demands such as deadlines on when they would like to see a divorce happen.  There would be no demands of that sort if in an honest relationship.

 

Regardless of whether a husband and wife hate each other and are completely over their relationship, or they both have moved on and live separately, marriage is still…marriage.

 

By: Ashley I. Okonkwo

 

Image source: http://www.solemag.com/2010/11/29/who-is-the-other-woman-are-you-the-other-woman/

 

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“You don’t call me anymore…”
“You only call me when you want to have sex…”
“I asked you the other night, who was calling you at 5 A.M., you just brushed it off…”
“I feel like you’re using me…”
“I don’t fully trust you…”
“Why did you makeup with me after our abrupt breakup 2 weeks earlier?”
“Do you really care about me?”
“You’ve put me through too much emotional turmoil…”
“You can’t keep dumping me like this.”
“I don’t hang out with my friends like I used to because of you.”
“I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for our relationship”

Typical conversation in a relationship on the rocks. Not surprising, upon reading this, we have placed everyone in their (gender) role. We assume the female is the poser of the questions and is met with such a loud response of silence.

Ada and Emeka met at an event and they quickly found each other very attractive. They would talk every day and night on the phone and online…they used every means of communication known to man. They could not get enough of each other. Ada quickly started to feel she had met the man of her dreams. He liked the same things she liked. He was just the perfect match for her; a modern day man who respects strong women with great ambition, Emeka was Ada’s dream come true.

After one week of knowing each other, they became an item. Emeka and Ada was always together. Emeka could not believe it. He was with this beautiful woman with all the qualities he wanted. To add sugar to the Garri, she was fantastic in bed. “Wow!” From time to time, Emeka would ask Ada why she was with him. “I don’t have a house, I am just a young man trying to climb to the top. I’m not a doctor…” On and on Emeka would question Ada’s true intentions. “You are somebody, you have a degree, you’ve survived a lot of things in your life, you’re a strong man. You make me happy, you treat me with so much respect…I feel like you’re my soul mate” Ada would always assure him.

As if the relationship was not perfect enough, Ada would cook for Emeka, clean his apartment, do the dishes and so on. She even planed a surprise candle lit dinner for him, in which she modeled new lingerie she bought from Victoria’s Secret, for desert. ” Wow, no one has ever done this for me, ever in my life.” Emeka would say, over and over again. And Ada, filled with love, would always assure him that he deserved it and even more.

Suddenly, Emeka stopped calling as much. “What’s going on? Why aren’t you calling me like we you used to?” Ada asked Emeka one day. He replied by telling her he was getting busier at work. Ada, trying to be understanding, would go to Emeka’s apartment and spend more time with him. She always made the effort to make the relationship strong.

Emeka started to pull away even more. Ada would wonder what the problem was and would ask Emeka from time to time if he needed to tell her something. She wondered if he was just too scared to accept love, or if she was just smothering him. Emeka, who is an only child was abandoned by his own father (who is an Igbo man o) at some point in his life, and when it was time for the next family member ( his own mother, also an Igbo woman) to take over custody of him, she refused and allowed him to be placed in a foster home.

You see, Ada felt this overwhelming motherly instinct to protect Emeka and make up for his lost years by showering him with so much love. Emeka wasn’t too bad of a boyfriend himself. He was amazing in bed. Did EVERYTHING a woman would want a man to do, to please her.

She started to find out that Emeka was spending more time with his platonic female friends. These were the friends he told Ada about in the beginning of the relationship. Ada had no problem with Emeka having lots of female friends, he considered them his sisters who made up for the lack of family in his life. She just assumed they would know their place, or at least, Emeka would. One problem, they were over protective of Emeka and would always make him skeptical of Ada’s intentions.

Months passed by with Emeka’s coldness. After several sleepless nights and endless tears resulting from unanswered questions, Ada decided she wasn’t going to waste her time any longer. They would break up and get right back together. Several times.

Eventually, Emeka started getting fond of Ada. He cut down on the time he spent with his friends and made more time for her. He even gave her his second car. He was always a very thoughtful person. When he could, he would make sacrifices for her every chance he got.

Funny thing is, Ada was already gone. It was Emeka’s turn to cry her a lagoon! The set of questions above are the questions Emeka asked Ada right before their final break up.

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I’m at a stage in my life where I have no answers. A lot of questions though but no answers…. it’s slightly annoying. Wait I lied. It’s beyond annoying. Trying to find answers to the questions, so unknown. It’s like an itch that I can’t scratch because I don’t even know how to locate “the itch”. I’m feeling empty to an extent. not the empty where you can diagnose me as depressed, just empty with waiting for someone, anyone to answer my “un answered questions” or at least give me insight of a world so cold, unloving…. survival of the fittest… smh.. I laugh. Are you laughing too? Come on join me so we can laugh together. I watch “for colored girls” today and cried. The tears of “DAMN”…. smh…. I cried for me because I too saw myself in one of the characters. Pathetic?  no… Just real.

Why all these males in my life? What the hell do ya’ll want? huh?? All ya’ll want to do is.. F… full-fill those desires you have in-between your masculine legs. Not thinking with the right head that points up but the one that points down. No intentions of “cuffing”, just simply “smashing”… (Who came up with these foolish terms?) forgetting that we women have to deal with and carry the scars from the “I luv u’s, I’m sorry, I want you…” not thinking maybe my words are too strong for a soul like hers, or better yet maybe I should just tell the truth??…

Not U- understanding the pride of a woman is in her inner thigh. Yet taking it for granted to win a man’s heart. No man will stay no matter how good the pussy is. The “oh shits, gotdamn girl your shit is the bomb” will keep a man whispering sweet NOTHINGS in your ear… so it happens… there just words, just words because after he’s done, your done. the calls start to decrease, you start hitting him up more often, always suggesting things for ya’ll to do and him replying with “sure”….

Why C- can’t we see that in the beginning when we say “hmmm he’s cute” lol… ladies, ladies….we do, we just try to ignore the signs and start to envision the rest of your life with him. All of a sudden you see yourself in a white dress and he’s waiting down the aisle for you…. but of course it’s just a dream. Not real…..smh… try again with the next guy….. Sad that we put ourselves through this only to get his approval….

It’s slowly K-killing us… well its slowly killing me. Knowing you’re not the one I’m meant to be with. But then I try, well we try to mold ourselves to the image that he so wants… him not accepting us for us… its not meant to be… so why force it… “Is it by force?”… Smh… yet again at all the mistakes I’ve taken and decisions I’ve made just to be… wanted… lol

I can laugh at it now because I see my mistakes and I see where I went wrong at… but then the smile starts to fade when I realize there is a step I need to take and if I’m willing….

When I hear the raspy whispers of your voice, the sly smile in your hello, I start thinking white dress and you waiting down the aisle…. i stop and i think… it’s not real. It’s just a good time…. or better yet, just taking life as it comes…. I know you’ve heard this before… “Let it happen…”…

I’m trying to grasp hold of my life… trying to understand things that only I can’t get the answers to…. my soul cries out for better understanding and I know HE hears my cries….

As I look in the mirror and see a woman struggling…. I see the hurt from past “loves, relationships, hurt…” but then I see the smile of someone that knows…..

I am not A FUCK… just a woman with questions… yet unanswered.

Image Source: http://www.thatblackgirlsite.com/category/thatblackgirlblogs/guest-blogs/

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It really starts with a stare, simple as that. I feel you turn and I notice your eyes follow me. In my mind I’m wondering, “gosh another one”. My eyes cold, dark, the eyes that have seen enough, but still you approach me with “a simple hello”. It’s actually more complicated than you think. It hurts to smile back but I do anyways just to seem cordial. I see right through you. The eyes of a deceiver, liar, and other things I rather not name but that “something” which we call Faith creeps in uninvited and the whirlwind beings. From day 1, I saw everything, but faith saved you. So don’t apologize to me, apologize to Faith….…..

The conversation is going deeper than I would like and trust and believe that my body was being posed by the mere spirits of love. I wanted to see something different, I wanted that laugh I hear from you to be genuine. Faith wanted it, hope wanted it, but my mind was reluctant and my heart wasn’t even in the picture. What you noticed wasn’t me admiring, I was in deep thought of what will be and how it will become. A daydream of prince charming comes to mind which explains my googley eyes.  I hope you could be him. My mind and my heart knows that it couldn’t be you, but try telling that to hope and faith and see if they will listen….. Apologize to hope this time…..

You allowed me, rather I allowed myself to talk endlessly about my past relationships filled with hurt and betray and watched you take it all in and a sense of pity took over you. I telling you this so you can understand that I’ve been through it all and would like for you not to add onto it. But you didn’t get it… don’t worry… You are probably getting ready to apologize for something you know you were doing.  You have every knowledge and repercussion of your actions, but yet you did what you did. there was one time I knew we was beating the same beat and when I saw something good but that time it lasted gave me that “your different” beat in my heart. So do me a favor and apologize to my heart…..

For one thing, you’re right about your timing and about me being the right one. Well I guess I wasn’t so right for you because apparently I’m not there anymore. I knew you like an open book. Your book was actually transparent… The same beginnings, the same endings… I’m the right one, but the story pretty much ended the same, it ended. I knew it will end from the first day I met you. I just didn’t know how it was going to play out. God gave me the patience to see me through the lies, betrayals… etc but the devil had you telling another tale. The feeling of you triumphing when I was crying, you thinking in your head “yes I got another one”… so save your apology, I don’t need it.

All you had to do was to be honest. Every female says that, but how many of us are actually ready to hear the truth? I’ll answer that question for us… none of us. So if we are not ready to hear the stuff in-between the lines telling them to be honest is not even in the equation. Look into his eyes… if there is nothing there… then smile and walk away. Stop thinking of a “what if”… we are not women of “what ifs”…. It is or it isn’t… simple as that… but who likes simple? No we want to complicate things and hop in the car for a joy ride… but when he says the ride is over we don’t want to get out … you don’t need a man with a fast car…. Fast cars crashget a man with a bicycle… or even someone who likes to walk… the pace is good… and its steady… so stop accepting apologizes… we already knew the game… we are only looking for a story to tell others…..

image source: http://nwso.net/2009/12/15/the-death-of-black-love-why-do-black-relationships-fail/

 

This is Mekus and I will be bringing you relationship articles

Since my friends and I are in our late twenties most of our conversations seem to be focused on relationships and marriage. Most women seem to  be ready to settle down right after their college graduation. Men on the other hand, are the complete opposite. Their rationale seems to be “why settle down and have one woman when I can have all of them?” I want to direct this post to the men,so fellows, listen up so you do not end up like this joker.

 Meet Tim, a successful 26 year old real estate investor, who has a great job, knows his culture and back ground and keeps in shape. The ladies like Tim because of the way he dresses, his attitude, and “Swag”. You can say that Oga Tim has everything going for him. Career wise he is doing extremely well compared to his age mates. He is pushing a Mercedes and just bought a nice house. Tim likes to have a good time on the weekends. He is the definition of a play-boy. Tim has a phethora of women in his life … enjoyment is his middle name. Tim meets a fine Ghanaian babe that matches his hearts desires. They date for a while and she is pressuring him to settle down. Tim is feeling the chic but he is still doing runs on the side with other babes. Tim agrees to settle down with the babe and they date for a couple years or so. It looks like all roads lead to marriage until Tim informs the babe that he needs some space and he is not ready for commitment. He goes back to his enjoyment lifestyle and picks up where he left off.

 After playing the field for a while he meets another delicious babe who he truly falls for. They date exclusive for two years and all of his guys hail them Mr. and Mrs. All the signs once again are pointing towards marriage and Tim destroying his black book. Things take a turn for the worse as Tim decides he wants some time to think. Consequently he decides he wants to be a bachelor for a couple more years. He explains to the current babe that if only they meet 2 years from now he would be ready. The babe is confused because things were so perfect to add insult to injury this babe had made a lot professional sacrificies for this joker. Tim wasn’t concerned by all theses things, he just wanted to be free. Tim has more dollars in his pocket thanks to a couple of promotions at work. So Tim is popping Champ-a-gini every weekend … After being free he comes to realization that being single is not that much fun anymore as most of his friends are married with children. He tries to holla at his Ex who is now in a committed relationship and she blows him off.

 Keep in mind that throughout all this Tim is now 36 year old man and not looking so good. He goes to any  function where he may meet potential mates. He tries the same line on every girl he meets. Most of the babes he encounters are looking at him and saying, “what is this old man trying to talk to me for? Does he not realize that I am 10 years younger than him?”. When he meets a new potential he is acts like a kid in a candy store: full of excitement and giddy. Tim realizes that he messed up when he was younger and should have settled down years ago. Now he is old, out of shape, and lonely and worst part is the recession has affected his money so he is not “balling” like he used to.

 So guys don’t be like Tim make you organize yourself early. Our problem is that we have the right to choose so we go chill and enjoy different dishes. When it is time to pick a dish most of you namas (Cow) will choose a buffet. When you finally settle down it will be with one washed up babe or one desperate babe that marriage is wetin she wan chop for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This is a sad situation because Tim was a catch 10 years ago but now he is that scary man that babes dey hide from at parties, weddings, and so on. So biko don’t be like Tim … If you have a good woman; wife her up so we can come wear suit for you and chop rice. I better get an invitation to your wedding.

Ladies, if you happen to run into any “Tims” be very firm with him and keep asking what are we  doing before different parties get attached. My favorite question is: “What are your Intentions with me”. Although harsh and to the point this question answers any subjectivities. Oh yea do not take the response “I don’t know”. Keep pressing till he breaks down.

This Mekus aka “ Future Tim if not careful” signing off.