Ever since I penned 7 Keys to Finding a Good Husband, I have been bombarded with requests for a similar piece directed to men. The women commenters were worried that a one-sided post painted women as the weaker link, desperate for a husband and the men not needing to do anything but sit back and relax as the women hustle for them.
So, seeing as though, I’m just a curious gal who has never looked for a wife, I went to work, specifically quizzing and harassing the truth out of men in my life and beyond (brothers, friends, in laws) some single single, some married and some in the process of planning a wedding.
But first let me concede to a few things:
-Are there desperate girls out seeking for the thrill of engagement and a wedding rather than the required work required for marriage? Yes. In fact, this topic requires an entirely new post. Look out for it.
-Is the ratio of women to men? 7 to 1? Yes. Sadly.
Despite those facts, If any man believes he doesn’t have to put in work to find a good wife, he is living in a different world. Behind every great man, there is a great (if not, greater woman) who builds him up, encourages him, covers for his slack and pushes him to greatness. A good wife should make you want to be more and do better. She should upgrade not downgrade you as a person, and not only your wardrobe. A good wife could be the difference between a man’s life potential either dying with him or living on beyond his descendants. A bad wife is a bad life and if you don’t believe me, ask a man who has been smeared by an experience with merely a bad girlfriend. Times have changed. Time has passed when having your mother import a girl from a village guaranteed you a good virgin girl who’ll not only be a good wife but respect and love you for life.
So, all the men out there. This is your wake-up call.
1. Be ready to commit.
You may say “this is common sense” but you’d be surprised at the number of guys who have told me, “find me a wife” but then when the time comes, they get nervous or start to envision all the girls they can still “have”. Being ready to commit to marriage is being sure that you have either got all your “playing” done or having no desire to “play” anymore. More so, marriage requires stability. Before getting ready to take the leap, get your life together… job, stable mind, emotions, finances, stability all around.
2. Stop dating just to date.
Quit playing around. Agreed, especially if you’re good “husband material”, there will be flocks of girls who are vying for your attention or who your family and friends are trying to “hook” you up with. Worse still, you may see all your friends, either married or in relationships, always have dates to events. Don’t be pressured into dating a girl you know you don’t want to marry, even if you think she knows this. Not only will you save her the heartbreak of holding onto nonexistent hope, you’ll save yourself the pain of breaking it off when the time comes.
While dating is good for love, friendship, and companionship, don’t assume you have to be in a relationship all the time to get this. While you can get those or at least a version, from other relationships, being picky about who you jump into relationship with, will give you time, to even get to know yourself better.
Another consequence of dating someone you have zero intention to marry, is that they “block” your real wife. If not by turning off women who would’ve been interested, I believe in the unexplainable power of blocked blessings. If someone is standing in the way, for some reason, the universe finds it more difficult to move the right person your way. And even when it happens, it’s harder for you to recognize her. I’m an avid witness of several occasions where a person stays in a fruitless relationship for so long to no end but the minute they break clean of it, their “one” appears. Just like that. It happens, everyday.
3. Make a reasonable list.
One of the first steps to finding what you want is knowing what you want. There are the usual nonnegotiable suspects for a good wife: trustworthy, loyal, keeps you grounded, emotional stability, shares your beliefs, ambitious, selfless, humble, makes the efforts with your family, loves you unconditionally and goes the extra mile to make you happy. But then no one knows you better than yourself. Take the time out to put to paper all the things that will “compliment” you and your personality. If you’re disorganized, a wife who’ll keep you in order may be what you need. If you spend a lot of money, a financially-responsible wife may be what your future family would need. One of my male friends, who is a social butterfly, once broke off a relationship because he said he couldn’t marry someone who couldn’t handle his personality. While a very social man should make the effort to make sure his wife is comfortable when they are out in public, it is important for that kind of man to marry a confident, strong and equally sociable woman who can hold her own and doesn’t expect to be baby-sat in public. In the same light, if you’re a man who has a lot of female friends, its important to marry a wife who doesn’t get uncomfortable or jealous easily. Especially if your career, (salesman, DJ, etc), requires you to continually socialize, you need a woman who’ll support you and knows when to give you space.
More so, it’s been wisely said that you should only marry a woman who you’ll want your daughters to emulate. Envision what you want your daughters to be like, and watch your “requirements” align. After all, your wife will be your daughters’ first role model.
4. Look beyond the physical.
Open your mind. Recognize your Michelle Obama when you see her. Like I said in 7 Keys to Finding a Good Husband, marriage is deeper than looks. Looks fade but the deeper qualities last forever. Sometimes, you get surprised when you see a hot man or woman with a less than attractive partner, you wonder “I wonder what he is doing with that girl”. Hellooo, she must be giving him something that’s deeper than your eyes can see. Of course, you want to be attracted to your wife, so that you don’t have to look else where. But, there are many other wife qualities that beat out physical beauty. Again, you want a wife who is supportive, upgrades you,trustworthy, loyal, keeps you grounded, shares your beliefs, ambitious, selfless, humble, makes the efforts with your family, loves you unconditionally and goes the extra mile for you and your relationship.
5. Tell people you trust.
An alarming number of good relationships and marriages have been born out of ‘introductions’. It could be a simple, “hey Obi, meet me cousin Ify” that’ll wake cupid up. Tell family and friends that you trust that you are ready for a wife and they may know or come across someone who’ll fit you perfectly. Just like a CEO, you can’t be everywhere at every time and your two eyes can only go so far. So, make your loved ones your agents and before you know it, they may give you a lifetime link. And yea, notice the words, “loved ones” and “trust”…only these kind of people have your best interests AND know you well enough to know a good match for you.
I must note here, that a major determinant of the success of an introduction is how all the parties involved handle it. This may require an entire new post, but here’s the ABC of it. If you made the introduction, once you connect them, you’ve done your part. Besides the occasional, how’s “that” going?, stay away and let cupid do its work, or not. NO pressure needed. If you’re the person who’s being introduced, approach it as a friendship. Keep an open mind, Thread carefully and be mature enough to understand that this connection could mean many things: the wedding of your dreams, a new job, a friendship or nothing at all. For everyone involved, both connected and connector must determine that no matter how it turns out, it shouldn’t affect the original relationship/friendship. Basically, don’t blame the connector if it doesn’t work out.
6. Be prayerful.
It goes without saying that God’s hand has to be in this decision because finding a good life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll make in your lifetime. Say a short prayer to this end as often as you can. It may be as simple as “Dear God, you know me more than I know myself. Please guide me to my wife and open my eyes enough to recognize her. Amen”. See, simple 🙂
7. Be a Good Man.
Similar vibes are attracted to each other. To even deserve a good wife, you need to be a good person. So while you look for your “good” wife, take the time to dust up the “good” in yourself. Quit the “asshole” behaviors, learn to care about other people’s feelings, be considerate and be nice! You’d be amazed at how focusing on being good to even yourself will attract the best of people to you.
8. Do your research.
In Igboland, its called “iju ase”, literally meaning to ask around. It’s very important that once you find a “potential” wife, that you find someone who knows her. Of course, there’s the valid argument that everyone make mistakes and change. If you find a good wife who has a questionable past, you should be mature enough to give them the chance to explain, then decipher what information matters and which you can look past. However, a decision is strong when it is informed. If you’re reading this and you have something questionable in your past, regarding yourself or your family, that could discourage a potential husband/wife, honesty and transparency are your best friends. Instead of being afraid of your past and keeping it a secret, tell it like it is. If its meant to be, the past won’t matter.
9. Let go of the past.
A lot of bad boys are former broken-hearted good boys. You can’t be a good husband if you haven’t forgiven your ex for breaking your heart. Before you can be a good husband, you have to be able to open your heart and show your weaknesses to another person. To do this, you’ll need to make up your mind not to punish your wife for the mistakes of your past.
10. Choose your friend.
When picking a wife, don’t underestimate the power of friendship. There’s no worse mistake that rushing into a marriage with someone who isn’t your friend. Unless you want a “wife” who just cooks, cleans and has kids for you but can’t connect with you emotionally or intellectually, marrying your friend is imperative. Ask the important questions: Can you easily talk to each other? Can you communicate effectively? Do they share the same values and principles in life as you? Do they share your faith? Are they capable of being kind, loving, and faithful to you? Can they fit into your family? Can you stand to see their face when you’re at your boiling point? If you want children, will they make a good mother? When you find a potential, first be her friend…talk, talk and do activities together that’ll reveal their characteristics.
There you go. Hope I have fulfilled my promise, from me to you.
Best of Luck. Remember, even the Bible says, he who finds a wife, finds a good thing (Proverbs 18: 22) 🙂