Why Is It So Hard To Meet A Man In This Day and Age?


Every time I have a conversation with my mom about ‘the new man in my life’ (in her hopeful mind), it goes like this:

Mom: So, any better?
Me: At all o. This DC/MD/VA is quite dry.
Mom: Na wa o, so you mean that all these events that you go to, there are no men?
Me: There are men o, but they aren’t stepping to the ladies. Don’t worry ma, it’s not just me…it seems to be a world wide issue.

A real world wide issue it is, because it seems that everyone is wondering where the correct, single and eligible Nigerian men who are actually looking are. If you ask the women in America, they will tell  you that all those men seem to be in Jand or Naija. The women in Jand claim that those men must either be in Naija or Yankee, and the women in Naija either say that they are non-existent in Naija, or they say that there are men, but these men aren’t serious. So, my brothers and sisters…the issue of ‘where are the men?’ definitely seems to be a world wide Jamb question (as we will say on Twitter). Till date, no woman has discovered that tree where one can pluck a single and eligible bachelor.

Here’s my 3 cents on why men aren’t hollaring/why we can’t seem to find their hiding places…

1. Nowadays, men seem to have a lot of options: According to various statistics, women outnumber men in material ratios and I’ve certainly observed this in the DC/MD/VA scene. If you attend a typical party around these parts, you will see quite a large number of females compared to the guys. So, of course the men have tons of options and don’t seem to feel the need to extend themselves in an effort to approach the ladies. In fact, it seems that the ladies are the ones who are extending themselves to approach the men. To pour additional pepper to the wound, men abroad are not just limited to Nigerian women, and they can take their pick from women of many races. What can I say? Must be nice…

2. Location, Location, Location: Back in the day, when I was new to the scene, I used to harbor hopes that I’d meet a man during the course of the usual partying and clubbing activities. As the years progressed, I realized that all those runs were all in vain. I mean, I’m actually not of the school of thought that you can’t meet ‘wifey material/husband material’ in the club, but I think that the competition is too ridiculous. You dress up and leave your house feeling like the hottest babe on planet earth with your cascading curls of weave, sexy dress and sky high heels…only to run into 20 other women who are just as hot as you or even hotter than you. Men in these kind of scenes have tons of options, and unless you know how to juggle 5 martinis while standing on your head, I don’t know the kind of competitive advantage that you hope to have in other to get a man to notice you, talk less of even asking you for your number.  Now let’s not even talk about weddings…your chances might be greater but it’s still not guaranteed that you will meet a man at a wedding. I think that the men at weddings fall into three categories: Married, boo’ed up (with their girlfriends possessively clutching these men to let us single ladies know that he’s off limits), and single. However, like the guys in the club…the single men at weddings are faced with tons of options so odds are that you won’t depart the scene with a number. And good luck with trying to find him at church ‘cos church ain’t what it used to be in this day and age.
So if you’re on the lookout for a dude, maybe you might want to check out a location other than the obvious club, wedding and church. House parties, game nights and such smaller gatherings are more intimate and might yield better results. I’ve found that it’s much easier to strike up convo with the opposite sex in those kinds of smaller settings. I know a Naija girl who met her guy at an electronics store so you just never know what random locations might have in store for you.

3. You’re ‘old news’: Ok so if you’re like me and have lived in the same hood for the last 10 years or so, you might have discovered that you’re kinda like old news. Harsh? Maybe…but  hey we gotta call a spade a spade abi? It’s like this…around these parts, I pretty much run into the same set of dudes at the same ol’ places. Party on Friday, you see them. Wedding on Saturday, they are in the building, Church on Sunday…ebe ano! And around and around it goes in the same old cycle. I pretty much think that these dudes have been seeing me around for the last couple of  years, and in my mind…if they didn’t holla in 2005, what will suddenly make them decide that I seem hotter and more interesting in 2011? Sorry…I’m old news and they want fresh faces. Being ‘old news’ can indeed be a hindrance to meeting dudes (in my opinion).

4. Being a ‘pack rat’: Most men are intimidated by packs and unfortunately most women tend to roll in groups and generally hang out in those same groups. We go to these weddings and events, and dance with our groups so if a guy was even trying to approach you, he might be intimidated by your group of homies. His heart will start beating and his palm will start sweating when he considers the prospect of approaching you and possibly receiving serious ela in front of your friends. Hey, I can’t say that I blame him if he stays away for that reason. I for one will definitely admit that I enjoy rolling to an event with at least 2 people. And even as I’m writing this…I’m not promising to wander away from my group of girls in order to look less intimidating. But at the same time, I’m acknowledging that it’s a factor that might prevent an interested party from approaching.

5. Fate is not on your side: And if it aint, then it aint. I believe that the business of meeting a guy banks on fate/chance/ right place, right time etc etc, and if none of these are on your side then nothing for you. Sorry…

So, in conclusion…I personally think that these are some of the reasons why it’s so hard for us ladies to find these elusive single, correct men. My advice: Don’t sweat the issue. If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. I have since gotten over the ‘I hope I meet a man at this place‘ mentality, and it simplifies things for me. So, until I find that magical tree where the single and eligible bachelors are waiting to be plucked, I shall continue to carry on with business as usual (while giving my mother disappointing responses every time she asks me the famous Jamb question…’so any better?’).

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  1. Nice posts but my dear i think women are pushing guys away because of their heavy demands. In the UK, some Naija babes demand pass the UK government. It got to a point that a friend of mine vowed not to talk to any Nigerian Girl (especially those with British Citizenship). A working class naija babe will know that you are a student and she still want to take the £1 in your pocket but when you go out with other nationalities you don't go through those hassle. Every guy want peace of mind and if you find that peace with a white girl then so be it.

  2. Nice post – u left out HIGH MAINTENANCE CHICKS. my fiance and cousins and friends say they love a woman who is natural, they would not ask a woman out who looks like a gucci or ralph lauren billboard.

  3. This is nonsense. I'm so sick of women crying about how they can't find a "man". There are TONS of men out there! You can't find one because you're standards are excessive, you're a b***** or he can't see half of you under the mounds of makeup and weave. Who needs that drama? I don't blame Nigerian men one bit. And if they don't feel the need to get married to Nigerian girls, then why are you here stressing yourself? Start looking elsewhere also!

  4. trust me when i say there are plenty of men out there. not to boast, i have over 6 good, god-fearing men asking for my hand in marriage. I wonder why because am not a heavily dressed girl, am not soooo beautiful, am just average but i guess they are all interested in me bcos i have gud qualitiies of being a wife material. If u want a husband or a bf, u gotta stop some negative things u do and turn a new leaf. Stop being materialistic, dats a major turn off for men. Just be you and trust God to find the best man for u.

  5. @ Original Mgbeke- The real nneka is very right although the insult is uncalled for. She does make a lot of sense. There are many men out there and u can only see those men if u take off ur eyeshadow of having excessive standards and be you, devoid of lies, pretence and trying to impress.

    • Thanks but I wasn't insulting anyone. Just calling fact and speaking in general terms. I don't even know the author so I have no reason to insult her. Even if I did know her, I still have no reason to insult her. Thanks!

  6. A lot of females these days unfortunately have unrealistic expectations of what they want in a man. some of them dont even know what the heck they want. they want the man all ready made and perfect but its unfortunate that its not always the case. Times are hard and bro man might not have it all together yet but what is important is that he has character, is God fearing, has potentials and at least has the drive/ambition and is working towards achieving his goals and wants you to come along the journey but you want him to give you a call when he is all accomplished and established…so guess what dearie, he will be married to someone else ready to toil with him.
    So OM, the men are there but you just gotta recognise them when they show up and to The real Nneka, you are quite right but you could have still made your point without sounding very rude and supercilious. Nne, take am jeje na:)

  7. Okay, I think it’s kinda crazy for y’all to assume that single women like moi are single because we have ‘excessive standards’, ‘are buried under mounds of weave and makeup’, ‘are materialistic’ and ‘try too hard’. Chai, single women don suffer sha o! Of course we get to bear all the blame and finger pointing and nobody ever stops to look at the bigger picture. It’s quite interesting.

    PS:- I know a lot of single, good women who don’t fall into any of the categories that have been thrown out.

    • u right. not all single women fall into this category. But at least, 80 percent of single females fall into this high demanding, materialistic category, including me. If you in the 20 % category of sensible, realistic women, mature, god-fearing, patient woman, you have nothing to fear, d right man will come at d right time. But if u in the 80% category, u are on ur own. i was in the 80% category until of recent when someone told me the truth.best of luck in all sha. Am sure a wonderful man will be knocking at ur door soon.

    • Hey, nice article. You have people cheering for you on the site. Need a good guy, then hook up. How does he reach u?

  8. Okay,…after reading this post I had to comment. This is a subject that continues to resurface in the conversations when I'm chopping it up with my guy friends.

    1) Guys do have a lot of of options, I live in Atlanta and the ratio of women to men is mega crazy. You stated in your post that "men abroad are not just limited to Nigerian women, and they can take their pick from women of many races" My question to you to you is, how come you can't do the same? Why are you limiting yourself to Nigerian men, when they are keeping their options open? I say keep your options open too, and don't block your blessing.

    2) Location, is indeed a big issue. I know you feel like you may be competing with all of the other women in the world with hips, but I'm a strong believer that it's just difficult to find "Love in the Club" one could probably make "Love in the Club" like Usher's hot song released a few years back,..but finding it is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. Not saying it has not been done,..it's just really rare. I've been clubbing since the age of 17yrs, and I can honestly say I've always had that thought in mind when I got ready to go out, as I walked to the club, and as left the club. The club was my playground. Maybe that's my mind set because I have 3 older brothers, a whole bunch of male cousins, and a lot of guy friends,..that's how guys think. And if they think like that, why would anyone try to find the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with, and the person they have to make major business deals with in the club. You really can't get to know a person there, half the time those dudes that are wilding out and being too known in the club really don't act like that during the hours of 9:00am-5:00pm (food for thought). Do you think they are go to the club to find a wife to bring home to their dear Mother,..African Mother at that…(marinate on that). I'm Ghanaian, and I already know how my momma is with my brothers, smh,lol.

    A wedding maybe be a better place, and the game nights may also be a better place, but please (x) out the club.

    3) You said you consider self old news? Girl, please…I've been basically living in the same city all of my life but I would never, ever, consider myself old news. For instance from the year "05" this present year,…I've had several hair styles, and looks. I had several styles with my perm hairstyles, cut it all off into a fade to go natural, then it grew all back, from time to time I'll rock a fro, and other natural styles, I've also colored it auburn brown to blonde to now just my natural color off black, #4 for all of my peeps who know about hair,..and now rocking a new due "two strand Senegalese twist". Do something new with yourself. You never know who is looking at you. I've had several dudes come up to me that I don't know, but they will call a hair style or outfit that I had on in the past and compliment me. Keep refreshing yourself.

    4) It took a long time for me to come to grips that men are also shy,…so yeah the whole Pack Rat thing may be true,..but if he can't come up to you and politely pull you aside away from your girls and inform you that he's interested in you and exchange contact information,..then bump him. He's not the one for you.

    5) I noticed while reading this article you talk about "Finding" this elusive correct guy. How come this elusive correct guy can't find you. Stop looking for him! Handle you business, do you, and have fun with hanging out all by yourself. I noticed a lot of females have a hard time doing that.. I totally agree with you on how you ended the article by saying "Fate just may not be on your side". Indeed it may not be your time. I promise you this elusive guy that you are trying to find will find you when you least expect it.

    Until next time, Much Love:-)

    • Actually, from point number 4, some men are shy too. I think what the writer is saying and says it well is, the group of friends do not necessarily break bonds easily with one another. You may have a friend in the group who like the guy that approached but seeing him not notice her would intentionally act negatively.
      Definitely, but not completely, forget the club.
      I disagree with her on old news. People would like you whether they see you a million when they don't have you as theirs yet.
      Overall, i agree that fate is our best chance. But you know, it seems women prefer the men who they know are not so good and shun the good ones. I think if there is much freedom as the world is now then women have the chnace and right to approach men.

  9. @Tin-Tin……nice one dude.i agree wit U̶̲̥̅̊ all ð way.
    Can’t help but add that as a single lady,U̶̲̥̅̊ don’t need to start stressing urself to find a man.just be urself,work on Ūя̲̅ bad traits n character…..cultivate good character traits n make urself somebody dat someone would love to have around him… N while U̶̲̥̅̊ ® at it,have fun n njoy Ūя̲̅ life to ð fullest.. ð truth is dat U̶̲̥̅̊ never can tell who is watching U̶̲̥̅̊ n checking U̶̲̥̅̊ out……..but above all,bury urself in ð Lord cos he knows Ūя̲̅ end from ð beginning!It worked for me n am happily married!!!!!

  10. i am a STRAIGHT MAN that just had to make a comment here. it is the women that are VERY DIFFICULT to meet nowadays, and many women now have that SHIT DON’T STINK OF AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM and have become so hard to COMMUNICATE WITH TOO. wherever i go, i just seem to meet the LOW LIFE WOMEN, instead of the good ones.


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