“What Are We?” The Most Dreaded Question In The Bedroom



Disclaimer: For all ye advocates of no casual sex / no sex without commitment etc, kindly comot ya nonsense yeye eyes for this post make I no take pen chuk am for you!!! For the “body no be firewood” anthem singers, abeg make una congregate & hear, share & advice on your horror stories.
I’ve been toasting this babe for (only God knows) number of years. I don beg, I don lie, I don sing… Omo this chick no gree! I don even do gentleman, she no gree, I don turn kpako, she no gree, I don even because of her go church (name withheld) wey I swear say na only my dead body fit enter there and still this chick no gree!!!

One day I just dey yarn with boyz onto how we go take parole that night and see if 1 stray animal fit fall fall victim into this pack of hyenas and let the best man win. As we dey get ready, I dey inside shower as my phone begin ring (meanwhile all the babes wey don gimme wahala, get special group name; WAHALA & ringtone). As my nokia E-90 dey ring, dey vibrate, I don already know say na 1 wicked girl from my bad luck group wey wan bother my life that night but outta curiosity, I say make I just see which one. I look my phone, come see say na the latest addition for the group. I no even bother to answer & went back to finish my shower. As I comot from bathroom, ah ah…I see 3 missed calls from this chick… nna men, my heart skip oh! I think say I don commit one thing or the other & this babe don mention my name & say olokpa dey find me. I say make I dry my body first and then research my mind whether I don unconsciously trespass against this girl & karma wan come catch me that night. After I don dry up, wear boxers and singlet (just in case), I come call am. The phone no even finish the 1st ring, this chick don pick up. I wan come form agboro, so instead of saying “hello”, I ask am “how far nah”? Omo, the next thing I hear na “hello darling.” The 1st thing we come my mind na this popular proverb “whoever the gods want to kill, they first make mad.” Inside me, fear & excitement just dey boil together mixed with adrenaline for my belle. Men…I immediately break into sweat under A/C & fan. I reply…”hey beautiful, how you been?” and the following conversation follows:
Girl: I’ve been alright, just chilling & being bored at home.
Sanka: C’mon now…how you gon be bored in my city? (For my mind, I was like idiot, why u no go dey bored when you hoard urself, like 9ja govt. dey hoard fuel from her citizens? Conji go kill u!)
Girl: Well…there’s nothing to do, so I just sit back & kick it at home, watchu doing tonight
Sanka: I’m heading out with my boyz, abt 2 hit up a couple of lounges & see what’s good 4 2nite
Girl: Nice…come scoop me, I wanna hang with you 2nite & do something different
Sanka: Um…ur spot is way outta my route, catch a cab & meet me downtown & we can link up from there (meanwhile u know Satan dey take use ur mind, anything wey woman talk go be green light 4 ya eye, I don dey see devil vision say this girl wan knack me 2nite but I say make I form small)
Girl: C’mon now…its only 10mins away, please muuaah!
Sanka: [reluctantly coz I don remember all the blue balls this babe has given me] Ayt cool…get ready, I’ll be there in 20mins & I dnt wanna wait
Girl: Alright sweetie…c ya soon!

As I comot phone, I come think of how I go break away from my boys go scoop up this girl secretly, coz all of them don swear for me say if I bring her convo up again & bring her come near them, say all of ‘em go put hand & foot together jump me. I dress up quick, tell ‘em say make I sharply collect sumthin from my aunty (wey even my friends dey fear). As I enter I-75 for ATL (congregation center for county police & state troopers on weekends), just match my car reach 76mph, the next thing I see na one radar-toting midget in police uniform, I swiftly pull behind the car in front me & change lanes. 1 min later that car don get ticket be that oh! I was like this babe is the epitome of bad luck oh… na so I for take chop ticket because of this girl…God no go gree oh.

I gently cruised and finally get to her place; buzz am for phone & she begin come downstairs. As front down open… Omo!! Men, my jaw drop! Shawty had on some mini v-neck purple dress, perfectly highlighting her contours & e’rything. Thank God for the front loader in my ride, I quickly change from the ogene music I was drumming to, into some neo-soul/house mix, rush comot, come open door for her. As we jet off (in my imaginary plane), I just dey cruise 65mph make the music & a/c dey sink well well as my cologne & her perfume oxidize to produce pheromones all in the same vehicle (aka my jet). Conversation is great, better than anything we’ve ever talked about before, so as we approach downtown, the city is vibrant, traffic is dense…all signs point towards an exceptional night. I hit up my boys to find out where they are & they invite me over to this lounge, so I pull up with this babe, valet parking, music is on point, very anti-tout/agboro environment & no nonsense security with “come in peace or go in pieces” written in their facial expression. I open door for the babe, she walks & e just be like somebody throw raw meat into crocodile pond for Louisiana. As eyes from all angles don dey undress this babe immediately, I come bounce in with my 6ft 4′ physique, feeling like Diddy (even though I won’t spit on him if he’s on fire). As I walked close to her, omo…this babe come hook her arm around mine oh! My boys begin hail me instantly (u know say 9ja boys no get respect for environment at all). As we approach closer & my boys come notice who I carry enter, all of ‘em look themselves & then look me again.

We finally sit down & introductions & waving etc happen finish, bartender come take order nah; she’s gets a martini & I get a glass of vodka on the rocks, conversation don start. One of my boys apparently flabbergasted by what he’s seeing decides to play interrogator and starts asking this babe her intentions for me. In my mind, I just wan pour bleach inside his drink so he can quietly shut up but apparently the babe could contain the interrogation & after a while, we just swung into generally convo, had a couple more drinks and decided to check out some club with very international crowd. We get there and the line is ridiculous, I look up and see 1 of my bruhz, I shoot up da hooks & dude gets me in front & inside quickly. The atmosphere is right, music is on point, folks are grinding and whinning but we head for the bar again, grab drinks and head to the dance floor & behold, I’m staring at temptation from behind. Nna meen…this babe was so grinding on me, I literally became a bubble-head doll on the dance floor, and the only thing moving was my head, before I know wetin dey happen, I’m now staring at temptation in the face and in the process of thinking whether to go in for the kill or not (make person no wooze me slap) this babe grants my heart desire & plants a wet one of my lips. As I turn around, my guy don dey wink, dey chuckle like person wey see naked woman.

Anyways…it was a great night and we ended up going back to my place for some after hour’s food & gist. After about 1hr (about 4am), my boys decide to leave and make one last round of hunt for the night (whatever they are hunting, na only them sabi). I’m left with this perfectly contoured babe, lying in my bed and I decide to go take a shower (singing – when the wiskolo wiska enter the zanga the pasa-pasa means boyz don hammer) and prepare for battle (in case it is the Lord’s doing).

I come out of the shower and she jumps in and out of her clothes & borrows one of my t-shirts and slides under the comforter and the 1st make out session starts and lasts about 5mins, ending abruptly with a text message from my drunk friend, telling me how fucked up he was and I gladly replied him to “go jack off and drink bleach.” So we start another convo & another make out session and one thing leads to another and we are both in out nocturnal state and as I don elevate my double barrel, put hand for her trigger make I fire dey go, this babe grabs my hand and was like “wait for a sec, what are we?” Uncle bros…church don dismiss be that one oh! My libido just drop 70 percent instantly, chei!!! I look am…look at wetin I fit miss if I make the mistake of yarning dust in the next 30 seconds, I tell am say we still dey try figure this thing out now, so make we no overdo ourselves nah. The babe continues to press further, “so where do you see this going”? Hei…(I’m thinking to myself, I never do & e be like this, if I do wetin go happen?) and I’m like I don’t know, e never even enter that arena to begin think like that & after haggling for over 30mins, bringing the time to about 5:30/6am, nature took its course (deduce your own meaning & conclusion) but after that experience, I decided the risk was too much and closed the chapter on that one.

But boyz and babez, wetin man for do for this scenario cos sometimes, I dey think say I for just yarn am wetin she wan hear. Make I no lie, the thing dey pain me small sometimes when I think am.

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  1. LWKMD… I died laughing on this one… But why are guys always scared of that question?…lol. The babe sha brought it up at a compromising time sha.

  2. LMBO! Abeg na correct babe be that jor. After all her forming, you think sey she for allow you enter the place without any questions? Funny stuff!

  3. U need a nobel prize for this article ,my bros. U for tell the babe make una find out after the episode.That way,she for deliver extremely well knowing that her fate lies in her hand and dat u have an upper hand.

  4. Ol boy I was in this position some years back and do u know I did…..simply, I told her I loved her and that I wanted us to be together.Naturally I then had the sex of my life and I didnt bother calling again….she took the hint after that.I hope u did the same.

  5. LOL… Sanka ooo… u no go kill person with this post. But seriously I feel u sha… cos that kind question when all weapons are drawn nah like jamb question for boyz… u do better thing sha. No be by force to enter toto my guy…lol.

    • Lol…u know as women be, they don't like hearing truth, they don't like hearing lie too! If to say I tell am say na 2 conji inflicted people wey fate bring together make them help themselves, she for curse my mama. If I tell am say na she be #1, she go take say I be ashewo and na just becoz I nyash, Nna meen…which kin life be this sef?

  6. wow ur cool. fact1: most nigerian men are original ashewos.

    fact2: this also means most of the girls who they use to do ashewo, are ashewos themselves.

  7. Sanka abeg Carry go! how the babe go bring that kind question up at the 9th hour… She no sabi the time of the day? But you no close that chapter like that… Na opening of new beginning…

    • Triple Prince…I no even wan sabi how una take pluck palm frond to make basket wey turn in container for dry fish!

  8. hahahahahahaahha!!! Had me Cracking my Ribs! I felt like i was there!!

    I applaud you for being honorable *well i am concluding that from ur close* I cant believe she waited that Long to bring it up! But then again u said u were on her case for a while, and I guess she tot that she give it a shot (Relationshipwise and u Just wanted to have that One Shot).

    I think its a case in Lost in translation, If u made ur intentions known from the get go that Nah hit and run you wanted, Maybe she would have never made that call seeing that its not what she wants.

  9. LOL. What kind of nonsense is this? Are you sure of this babe's intentions? Why would she call you nonstop to beg you to go out, only to ask "What are we?" I guess she wanted to justify what you all were about to do…but she knew what the deal was the minute she picked up the phone to ask to go out with you. I don't understand why women like to say no to guys that they like until that guy shows no more interest and then want to chase him…it's just stupid. Some people should just somersault and die!

    • Chill out Jo! The Guy said he had been chasing her for yonks (so she didnt just wake up and decide that I wanna call him non stop). Clearly she wanted more than Wam Bam Thank you Mam kinda situation.

      Sorry if u have experienced Blue Balls from a girl that suddenly decided to call you non-stop but this Girl in this story was calling all of a sudden, Its had been building up for a while.

      Like I said it sounds a case of Lost in translation, I know when the attention of a Guys is Just to sleep with me and when he wants more than Just Sex (Most times) and if I aint sure I stay away, don't wanna be looking stupid jumping to conclusions. Our friend must have portrayed or she misinterpreted his attention to mean more than just sex.

      Its the 2010, If you make your intentions known I am sure that you will find a girl that wants the same thing as you, rather than be UnderG about it.

      You def need to somersault but I wont go as far as needing to die tho! lol

      • If the girl had to call and ask what he was doing that weekend night…their relationship is not on that level. She thought she would be tactful and force him into saying they are more than they are in the heat of the moment and then maybe hold him to it afterwards. She just played herself. My point is that the guy was actively pursuing her and she chose to do shakara, she can only blame herself for where things are at the moment. If people were more honest about what they want, all the "lost in translations" wouldn't occur. If they want to play games, they will be played…and I think she got played in the end.

      • And even if they were working towards something more serious in her mind and he was just trying to get her in the bed, her timing was way off. You can't ask that question in the heat of the moment, you ask that after a few dates in a neutral place. It's as simple as "What are you intentions with me" and if he is stuttering and stammering…walk away.

  10. Sanka, you are a damn fool. I fell about reading this post, from wahala category and ring tone, to singing Boyz don hammer. Hilarious, son!

    But nna men, the babe dey sharp o! See as she come ask the strategic Q at that point, talk about putting you on the spot. Normally babes dey reserve that Q for after una don chook finish and dey bask in post orgasmic bliss. LMAO…

    I gotta give you props though for not BS-ing, you know say some guys all in the name of chooking for don misyarn and lead ol' girl on, only to start screening her calls the next day.

  11. Funny you still rode the stuff even after all the questions. She no sharp at all cos if she really day sharp once she noticed you initial fumble job don knock. U were just a lucky devil cos some chicks go ask you that question with their clothes on, cos to go without clothes na invitation to paradise and she fit no won go there unless she dey sure say you go talk I do.

  12. I'm an equal opportunity basher and I think the babe is a mugu. Who hops in bed without knowing what it is? Chances are that any answer she got in that position would have been a lie. She no try at all.

  13. Bros, bottom line, the babe beans don cold that na why she block u. Meaning her bobo musta dropped her or the big fish wey she dey pursue don swim leave am, so she's looking for a soft landing and where else better than that ''loyal looking dude'' wey don dey hustle am since. I go do am agai and again. Vulnerability…another name for way-less broods.

  14. I tire for you ohh… How you go even dey try answer that question? Na Jamb office you dey?

    Tombo the babe!!! See girls dey ask some kind silly questions like (in the middle of sex) "do you love me?". Watin you want make I say? No?

  15. lol..bad place nd time to ask a dude that kinda question..if i was n that situation i would tell yah what yu wan hear too..#sorry.

  16. Meeehn! If na me, i 4 no fit hold body, i for just tell am wetin she wan hear, i go even sing her best song for her just to screw her brains out. you go surprise say if you see that girl again, omo she go use u do shakara o! believe.

  17. Lmao, from the minute the chick called you , she wanted to screw ya . Her decision was made before you picked her up. it is absolutely funny how men think they are the only ones that think about sex.. smfh, a woman makes the ultimate conscientious/calculated decision its never the man.

  18. lwkm…dude dat question na jamb question oh…i for no fit answer am sef cos anything u say wud be used against u


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