Thou Shall Not Date Your Best Friend’s Ex…But I am.

Feels so right and wrong

Me and my best friend have known each other all our lives. Our parents are from the same village, we went to the primary school, and even though we went to different secondary schools, we stayed very close through those years, and eventually went to the same university. Think about someone you are close to that you’ve known your whole life, and that’s about how close I am to my friend. From playing video games, chasing babes, sharing excuses when we had to do runs, sharing clothes, sharing ashawos; think about what male best friends do, and we’ve done it. We were so close that our parents called us twins. I’m sure you get the point.

During our second year of college, my best friend and roommate at the time – let’s call him Chike – brought this bad ass babe to the house. I’m sorry but the babe was bad. Brown-skinned, short hair, about 5ft 5, and had the curves in all the right places. She was on point. Her name is Amaka (of course that’s not her real name), and she was unlike any babe we saw around campus. I mean FUT Akure wasn’t known to have the finest babes. Hell there weren’t known to have that many babes in general sef, seeing that it was technology university filled with boys. Anyways, I introduced myself, and excused them. Once babe enter room, that’s the clue for the roommate to cut-out, unless stated otherwise.

That was the day I met Chike’s “madam”. Their relationship blossomed and even though they had their fair share of issues, they were chugging along, and looked to be in love. I remember Chike telling me that she might be the one. Heck, I also made fun of him because all of a sudden he stopped playing 2pac, and jay z in the room, and I had to endure Boyz II Men on repeat, and Celine Dion half of the day because this boy was in love. Amaka was always in our room, and after a while we started calling her First Lady.

All was good in Love Land until one morning after pulling a TDB (Till Day Break studying), I walked into the room to see Chike with a bottle of vodka and Amaka’s picture in his hand. With a confused look on my face I asked “Chike, Ogini? Wetin happen?” He raised his head and with tears flowing uncontrollably from his eyes he said, “I don die ooo… Amaka broke up with me. Omo I no know say love dey pain like this.” Those that have had a heartbreak can probably relate. I could see the pain he felt in his eyes, and it was clear that he didn’t want to live anymore with Amaka. Amaka had left the guy for reasons I didn’t know, and as much as I felt that I was supposed to hate Amaka from here on out, I couldn’t. I didn’t know the details of why she left him so I just did what I had to do to support Chike through his pain and left it at that. One thing was clear, Chike was not the same after Amaka left him.

Fast forward to today, 7 years later. Chike is married with a son, and doing very well in Lagos, I’m in Kansas pursuing a PhD in GeoPhysics, and we’ve all put FUT Akure in our past. Heck, me and Chike joke about him crying like a baby because of “woman.” “I wonder where that useless babe is now sef”, Chike would say. I wondered the same thing sometimes, and one day at a friends graduation barbeque I saw Amaka again. Wow! She was just a beautiful as I remembered. The American weight gain program had definitely not affected her at all. She still had her great shape, and short hair that I liked. The same initial attraction I had for her when I first saw her instantly came back. I felt excited and disgusted at the same time.

We talked for a while, and caught up on things. I told her Chike was married with a son, and she told me how she has had bad luck with men ever since her break up with Chike, and how she feels that her clock was ticking and all that stuff women her age talk about often. She doesn’t live so far away from where I am doing my PhD program so we exchanged numbers to keep in touch. A couple of months have passed and we had been talking on the phone quite often. We hang out every so often on the weekends, and have started getting used to each others company. There aren’t too many Nigerians in the part of Kansas we were at so we use that as our excuse to keep hanging out. Well it was our excuse, until last night. We went to a poetry reading event, and after-wards went out dancing and eventually we had sex. Great sex. Yes, we did, and as much guilt as I felt after we did it, I can safely say that was the best sex ever. I felt like our souls were intertwined with each other, like we were meant to be.

The problem now is, she’s my best friend’s ex. Not just any ex, but the ex. The one that escaped him. His real first love. I should know better, but I choose not to. She’s everything I ever wanted in a woman. She’s smart, kind, goal-oriented, homely, can cook, speaks my language, and is just all in all a complete description of what I’ve always wanted in a wife. I feel selfish but Chike is married and should not be concerned, right? I don’t know.

What do I do? Should I continue with this? and if I do, when should I tell Chike? Or should I even tell Chike now? Am I wrong for what I’ve done or how I feel? Does this happen often? How can someone that feels so right be on the no-go list? What do you think about dating your best friend’s ex? Recently, I’ve been feeling like I’m the only one that has done this.


  1. Dating my friend's ex is a No-No for me but I can't be mad at you for this one. For one, it's 7 years later. Secondly, Chike is married with a child…you say?

    I don't want you to miss out on a potentially good thing (and many more years of great sex…LOL) 'cos of this. I would certainly broach the issue with Chike and see how he feels about it. You men tend to be less complicated than us females so I have a very good feeling that he will probably say 'Go ahead bro!'…ya dig. And if he is anti it, it's ultimately up to you…i.e are you gonna go with your heart and feelings or will you stay loyal to your friend and fashy Amaka?

    Good luck with this one. 🙂

  2. Oh boy carry go oh!!! if u end up liking her then so be it.

    We dont really choose who we fall in love with.

    But ask urself this, are y'all just effing around or ju wanna get serious with her. If its the latter then talk to ur friend, tell him what u r about to do and make him understand why u made the decision u made. But its impt to talk to ur best friend…he has got to bless the relationship. If he doesnt let u proceed then he is the most selfish bastard best friend ever!!!

    Ein don marry but ein no wan make u marry???

  3. Hmmmm…. This is a tough one. Omo I think you should talk to Chike first man. If he doesn't send then you can go ahead, but if he does then maybe you shouldn't… but that might be selfish of him to disapprove though.

    You might also want to think of how awkward it'll be if/when all 3 of you meet up which seems more likely now that you are dating Amaka…. Omo.. this is not looking good for u bruh… just being real.

    Plus… if she had that effect on Chike, what makes you think yours is different. It could just be that she is charming and seductive like that. Never know.

    • Hahaha Ari aka head tout,

      I was reading ya response and suddenly the new MI jam "Somebody wants to die!!!!" started playing in my head….hahahaha….this guys friend will probably feel the same..

    • Ari, she might have been young and silly. Maybe now she is changed seeing that her 'time is running out' (According to her)

  4. PsychoAnalysis is my stock and trade…so lets deal with first things first…1) No need for permission here, you are a grown ass man!!!..she from all you have described is also a grown ass woman (literally..LOL).

    2) Obviously, you had been attracted but never ACTED when they were together (applause–I myself being the proud back stabbing bastard that I am would have tried the ol' loop d'loop even at Akure ***evil grin***) and almost a decade later–new country new situation.

    3)Please unnecessary guilt here..ask yourself why she has not brought it up??!! (Kai women sef…das just anoda 'marrer' entirely:):)…

    4) Kansas is lonely

    5) You friend will never be "cool with it" (its a guy thing dont ask) but he must accept it if he is your friend

    6) What kind of man are you sef that can feel high about chopping someting wey you sef "excuse room" for ya friend to chop–not once not twice not three times…LOL….tufiakwa..I no blame you…I blame Kansas…LOL

    Final analysis…just mark your 'attendance' and MOVE ON….if you are still "close" to your college friend…this will be extremely awkwaaard….dont even fool yourself that it is "different" or "love". The fact that you are a PhD candidate probably means you don't "get out much" and Kansas loneliness is making you delusional.

    But ssssshhhhh….**whispering***no tell de babe shinshin…..tarry awhile–but use protection oooo….dis babe is trying to trap you.

  5. Yes, this is a rule that I follow religiously; but with every rule there is always an exception/grey area. And unfortunately this is one of those grey areas. He is married and it would be selfish for him to ask you not to see her; but even if he gives you the go ahead, know that he will NEVER be okay with it. So I think you should just accept that your friendship will never be the same again; and if you think the girl is worth it (as in potential wifey worth) then maybe its worth the sacrifice. After all you cannot marry your boy.

  6. I want to believe that you were not naive enough to describe yourself without calling your name. How many Igbo boys wey go FUTA de do PhD in GeoPhysics for Kansas? My guess is – JUST YOU!!! lol

    To answer your question, what to do totally depends on you. I really don't think you want to spend the rest of your life with a girl who would probably keep seeing her ex for as long as she's married to you. Biko enjoy the sex while it lasts. You probably should not have mentioned that 'sex' as that seems to be impairing my judgment.

  7. Naijapsycho-spot on there,i have nothing to add.Enjoy d runs.Don't tell chike(dat u entered d place),don't go too far with amaka,tell her u can't do that2ur boy…Everybody understands,=everybody happy.SIMPLE

  8. Guy, did u call ur so called "best friend" during d "long period" of courtship? My guess is No! You knew wat you where doing right from the start and as a guy i knw you r not feeling guilty instead u just wanted a medium to boast about ur conquest.

    Guy enjoy, ur d man, but be careful of falling in love wit dat girl all u'll end up wit a broken heart .Did she ever tell u y she has being thru many relationships? Maybe she thrives on broken hearts and you will be her greatest conquest.

    Think about dat

  9. Look ehn,

    I normally say just don't get yourself in that situation by getting close to the EX… but that piece of advise is useless now. If you lover her and she loves you, go for it sir. Your guy will understand. Make sure you tell him o…he might go bonkers for a while but I hope he gets used to the idea and blesses ur relationship with his once love 🙂

  10. For the plain fact that you even have to ask or that you are skeptical; then it goes without saying you know exactly what is right. It’s hard to find friendships like the one you have with your best-friend. There are too many fishes in the sea. Also, think about the fact that after she broke up with your friend she has had “bad luck” with men. Karma, maybe/maybe not? and .. that whatever she did to your best-friend, she could do it to you? Good Luck try not to break a relationship you took your life to build.

  11. Usually, I'd read and then just ignore (maybe with an occasional smile) but i'd never leave a comment…

    This caught my eye. Why? I'm dating my Ex-boyfriend's friend. I don't know if it's the same thing coming from the girl's side, but honestly, I think at some point, we owe ourselves a little selfishness. Feelings/emotions cant be turned on or off like a tap. If you think what you feel for 'Amaka' is real (think outside the sex bits here), then I dont see any reason why you should risk a chance at happiness with who could be "The One" because of some sour experience she had with your friend. Your friend's married now and really should have let all that go (unless he there's something he'd like to share with us and to his wife's hearing).

    I had a beautiful relationship with my ex-boyfriend, but there were missing bits. I didnt break up with a plan to date his friend, but I have no regrets whatsoever thus far. Maybe I should have only thought of the fact that he'd be too hurt and never forgive me and pass up a relationship with his friend who I thought filled those "missing bits". Of course, my ex-boyfriend was hurt. Someday, I know he'd understand that it's best you dont end up with someone who is not completely yours in body, soul and mind and maybe, just maybe, he'd be happy for everyone.

    Then again, there are no rules. So, just follow your heart. Tell your friend though and just be a wee bit selfish and think of your own happiness. (No offense to the person who made the comment, but Karma… that's just plain superstition. Maybe the bad luck with men was 'cause she was waiting for Chike's friend to come along…)

  12. Pls leave that chic alone. Upon all he ladies in this universe, its Chike's Ex that u found to kick it with. That is a big no no. Whether Chike is married 100 years later or not, you should keep ur hands away from his once before girl. I mean how do you expect him to feel each time he sees you and that chic? I mean think about all of this.

    A beg go and look for another chic and stop looking for sentiments and justification.

    If Chike says no, it will NOT be because he doesn't want you to marry like him, it will be because you chose to marry the forbidden!

  13. (1) u r going to loose ur bestfriend dat one is 4 sure. He is goin to act like its ok if u tell him but trust me deep down he is goin to hurt. She was his first love 4 cryin out loud. (2) its goin to be AWKWARD esp when u return to naija nd u go 2 his house with ur babe who is also his ex. U r goin to suffer emotionally u wd keep wonderin if they still hav something 4 eachoda, der wd be tension btw all 3 of u, heck its going to affect his wife too having someone like her around, things wd never b dsame again. Spare all 4 of u d Drama nd break up coz it wont b worth it. Jst let her go i hav been on all 4 sides of this issue b4 d ex-dater, d best frnd, d ex-girlfrnd, d wife. Its only Amaka dat wd enjoy this.

  14. …telling Chike……..recalling past (& best forgotten) memories.

    …not telling Chike……betrayal of a timeless bond. Not an option.

    Hmmm, while there is no one singular person for anybody, when 'one' person is found, it ought not be jeopadise on the altar of 'bonds'. But, of more importance……….one ought not sacrifice 'bonds' on the altar of love; two mutually exclusive issues but, closely knit.

    Would have said, go for her but, there is something about the way this "I felt like our souls were intertwined with each other, like we were meant to be." is written that just doesn't make it 'key'.

    The question ought to be; do i (really) like her (in that way) or do i just feel great having one whom i consider an ideal catch?

    Interesting tho'

  15. Go for it boy.

    I feel u my friend cos I have been there before.

    I know what great sex is.If u leave her cos of chike,u might regret it if u end up with someone who does have d same impact as Amaka.

  16. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………………. that is the problem with sex before marriage ! Remove the sex, no one will be offended, cos no great harm will have been caused to the dear heart !!!!!!!!!!

  17. Sounds like it is the sex that swept you off your feet. I see nothing wrong in dating your best friend's ex. After all, your life is not the same as your friend's. If your best friends has really moved on, your dating his ex would have no impact of his emotions. However, my question to you is that are you really in love with this woman. Would you be comfortable with her as a wife if the sex ceases to be the best because it wouldn't always be?


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