Alright party people…as we continue to ponder and bask in the “What Are We” article with the various “deduced” endings, I say make I take style vent again on the suffer wey I don suffer in this my 25 plus years of living (waste your time guessing my age & gauging my mentality…thunder go fire you)! As hard as it is for men these days to commit, imagine wetin life go be like if you fall into the hands of this “I-must-marry-by-force” babes, oh boy…na game over for you be that one oh! As the saying goes “different strokes for different folks”, e get people wey their lifetime achievement na to drive a particular car, others na to buy house, some na to go vacation somewhere, some na to get 3 pikin from 4 different men (no question my math skills here, I have a damn Master’s degree in Engineering!!!), some na to co-sign X number of babes, some na to get PhD, some to confuse X number of sugar daddies, some na to die plenty times before their actual death, others na to dey chop rice for another person funeral (but them no go wan die make other people chop for their own) etc and finally some na to MARRY BY FORCE!
But before I begin, in my usual disclaimer…I wan warn all those single people wey dey give boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife advice when them never even experience am! If you know say you no get at least 5 years experience in this arena, no chook ya yeye mouth inside this yarn make devil no come kiss you for night oh!
Oya listen to this flow, first of all, don’t get it twisted, love is a beautiful thing (do I hear Amen in your voice?). He, who finds a wife, finds a good thing & ye shall obtain favor from the Lord. I am all for the sacrament of matrimony but I honestly don’t believe it’s meant to be for all & sundry. It is not a rite of passage for any gender but unfortunately, a lot of parents inculcate in their kids to pursue this thing like pesin wey dey pursue snake inside im house. In fact the new motto now is “Start selling by 25 or expire by 30” and as true/shocking this may sound, I seriously think a lot of young folks take it literally and even start “selling” early even before the market don mature.
I waka enter house one day, as soon as me and my ex jam, I notice say she breathe steam comot from her ear, nose, eye etc. Ah ah…omo, my liver drop immediately oh. I look her hand first make I dey sure say she no carry dagger or acid or anything else (I know say e no fit be gun coz una too cheap to spend money 4 gun). Meanwhile, I don also take style look the mirror behind her in case one witch deliberately put lipstick for my shirt without my knowledge (oya…all ye ogbanjes jump on the lipstick case). So I come calmly ask am;
Sanka: Hey babe…r u ok?
Ex: [blank stare] Sanka: [waving hand in her face & thinking na so madness dey start oh] Ex: [blank stare] Sanka: Is e’rythin alright? Is there a problem [for my mind I don dey think wetin dey worry this girl sef, eh?] Ex: I’m fine [turns and walks away] Sanka: Ah…ok nah, lemme settle in
Ex: [yells out] there’s food if you’re hungry
Sanka: I’m good…had sumthin heavy for lunch earlier [thinking – if them send u come, u no see me] Ex: Whatever
Ex: Eh? Did you just say thanks? To who? Ur father or your mother?
Sanka: Ah ah, wetin dey worry u zombie sef, them no dey thank people when they offer you food for ur village?
Ex: I don’t blame you
Sanka: Ah…madam sorry oh, no vex…my bad, my wrong, my fault, ABEG!
Ex: That’s what I thought!
Sanka: R u sure everything is ok?
Ex: For the 1 millionth time, I AM FINE!!! Quit asking stupid questions, Arrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!
Sanka: Oh wow…ok, I’m going to bed, goodnight.
Ex: [humungous sigh]
I know say the main event dey come coz u know say women no dey leave things alone, so I go to bed with 1 eye open (before this babe tries to harvest my kidney & post it on e-bay for sale). Around 3am, I feel a poke on my back and I know say war don wan start be that but I was like, lemme hear this chick out and figure out what her grievances are. In the meantime I’m already pissed coz I gotta be up in 3-4hrs. So this babe starts to lament how we’ve been together and how things have been and what the future could hold and all that good stuff for over 10mins meanwhile she’s been sounding Greek to me for the past 9.5mins coz I was sleepy as hell. So at the end of the whole thing, this babe vomits “So when will you see my parents?” Ummm… Hei! I turn around and look behind me in case she was talking to somebody else (seen or unseen). So I calmly ask her whether she was talking to me and she says “Yessss.” Omo…at that time, I was less than 25, so all my life just flash through my eyes and I’m thinking to myself, “na so this girl wan take cage my life”? So I quickly gather myself together and I ask her again what I was suppose to be seeing her parents for and she says to “introduce yourself” and you know…. (before she finishes “you know”) I was like…listen, unless this house is on fire don’t ever wake me up again! And the fire better be sipping through the door before you wake me oh. What kind of nonsense? Imagine!! This babe waking me up at 3am for this nonsense…hiss.
But the next morning, boyz begin think; This babe obviously don calculate for her head wetin things suppose be at this time in her life, and seeing as I be the person wey fit the equation at that point in time, and I no dey cooperate, the thing go from being concerned to vexing. I no understand how person go just vex like that ooo.
Needless to say, it didn’t take long before church agbasa, and both of us went our separate ways. Today babe is married, and I’m happy for her o, but at my current state I’m not even ready for marriage not to talk of back then. So babes, and bobos… Too marry no be by force, and if you no say u no ready, no need to smile fake smile because of pressure from peeps, and on the other hand no need to dey vex for person wey no ready. If im no ready, then that’s what it is… Come back another day or try the next person.
So make I hear from my people… I do bad thing? Or not? Drop one or 2 comments biko.