I am what you call a ghost reader. I follow your blog quite regularly but haven’t subscribed. I’m very inspired by you. My friend once sent me the link to one of your posts and I’ve never stopped reading since then. Sometimes, I feel like you’re talking directly to me. Now, I have a problem and I need your help. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. Before him, I had a dry time and did not meet anyone serious for almost 3 years. Finally, here came C. We met through a mutual friend and talked on the phone and via email for about 2 months before we met in person and started dating. Things have been perfect. I can’t even complain. I think he is the love of my life. Recently though, he started making comments that made me uncomfortable. First, let me tell you I am what some will call thick. I used to be slimmer a few years ago but gained about 35 pounds over the past few years. There’s no big reason for the weight gain. Well, to be honest, I got tired of fighting to stay slim and going to the gym when I would go out and no one would even try to get my number.
3 weeks ago, C and I were talking and he made a comment about one of my pictures from 2012 that was on Facebook. All he said was “Oh my God, see how hot you looked.” But that made me think about what it really meant. I just said thank you and tried to forget it. After that, he started inviting me to the gym with him. He is very fit and goes at least 4 times weekly. When I said no a few times, he said “you know it will help more than hurt.”
The comment that broke the camel’s back was 3 days ago when he was waiting for me to get ready so we could attend his friend’s wedding. I was complaining about how it was taking me a long time to find a dress in my closet and how everything I tried on was too tight. At first, he said I will look beautiful in anything. I finally found something but later that night, when we were about to go to bed, he said, “you know if you want those dresses to fit better, you have to do something about it.” I got so upset and confronted him as to why he was calling me fat. He told me honestly that my eating and life habits bother him and that he wished I was more interested in getting slimmer and healthier. I was so offended that I started crying and left his house. I haven’t talked to him since then. I want to break up with him but I am worried I won’t find someone else for another few years. It’s not like I’m getting any younger. I’ll appreciate your thoughts. I feel like I am going crazy. Thanks in advance. Sincerely, O
Thank you for writing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. First of all, thank you for reading. It’s my pleasure to inspire you. Please do subscribe to the blog 🙂
Now, let’s talk about you. On first glance, my initial reaction was “How dare he? Run!!!” This is expected because as women, our weight is a topic that men know to avoid, at all costs. This is why the average man knows to “of course not, honey” when his lady asks, “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” But this is way past that. There’s a message about you that can only be read between the lines. Your “struggle” is more about you than about him or his words. In order to find the answers you’re looking for, regarding whether or not to break up with him, you need to find a bit more of yourself by self-reflecting.
First, ask yourself, Am I happy with my weight? When you look in the mirror, are you content with your reflection? This question is important because from your letter, it seems as if you tie your zeal to stay slim with the attention it gets. The efforts you make to look good should be more than what others see and more about feeling good and building your self-confidence. Trust me, when you are confident, the confidence exudes double attraction. Haven’t you ever met a person whose not so much physically “beautiful” or “handsome” but is attractive all the same? It’s the confidence (not arrogance) that makes them so. In that same way, I know “thick” girls who are more attractive than Victoria secret models. So, I think this is deeper than what C said or didn’t say. Granted, weight is a touchy issue but you have to give him kudos for his honesty. Now, the ball is in your court. Unless it was something in his tone, it doesn’t appear as if he was degrading to you. Granted, to be with you, he has to accept and love you the way you are. Notwithstanding. to be with him or any man successfully, you have to either accept the image in the mirror or change it for YOU and not based on whether or not you are single.
Summarily, if the answer to this question is yes, then tell him that… “C, I am happy & healthy the way I am. I expect any man who intends to be with me to accept me the way I accept myself. If you can’t do that, then we can’t work.” Then, change whatever you do that gives him a contrary vibe. After all, he probably keeps bringing it up because he sees how insecure you are about it. But if the answer is no, then explain to him why you are offended and how sensitive the issue is for you. Also help him understand how you want him to discuss sensitive issues with you. No successful relationship is “offense-proof” but it’s all in the communication. You can also commit to going to the gym with him. It could be another way for you two to bond and have fun! If he won’t listen or stop the comments, after the talk , then dump him.
Secondly, ask yourself, Do I genuinely care about C or is my affection for him solely based on the timing of his entrance to my life and/or my fear of never finding someone else? In your letter you said, “I think he is the love of my life.” and then you said “I want to break up with him.” If he is the love of your life, then help him understand you (after you understand yourself). If he is not what you want, your God-given plus one is out there. Like you said, you’re not getting any younger. At the same time, you shouldn’t settle. Every moment you waste with someone who you’re not into is blockage for someone who might be. If your answer is yes, then talk it out with him. If he’s that into you, he’d understand. If your answer is no, then break it off and don’t look back.
Ultimately, self reflection is what will get you peace. You can’t be in a successful relationship if you don’t know yourself well enough to know the motivation behind your insecurities, strengths, triggers and impulses. This way, you can celebrate the things that make fabulous and understand to make better the things that make you human.