I’ve been having issues with my heart. I can’t seem to truly fall in love again since my boyfriend of 8yrs left me. It is complicated though. I invested my time and especially money into it. Did crazy things for him. I met him when I was 16 and in SS3. He was 20 and in the University. Well, I loved him and I did a lot for him, even paying his fees because I come from a richer family but at some point, it became the norm. I kept on spending and lying to my parents to get money. I even sold my mom’s gold to get money so we could go on vacation together. When I get upset with the love, I started cheating because I was choking but I loved him and I knew if I left, life would be miserable for him. I cheated 5 times in 8 years. Then, the last time I did, he said he can’t forgive me. After a while, we broke up. He hit it big and got a good job. I pleaded to come back but he refused and said I am not worthy of his love, not minding all we went through. When he had nothing, I was there for him. Now I am torn as I saw his traditional wedding pictures, it dawned on me that he is gone. Please advice on a woman spending for a guy. What’s your take on cheating and forgiving? How do I move on? Thanks as I look forward to read from you.
Thanks for writing NwaVic at firstname.lastname@example.org. I can understand why you’re hurt. This is a man you loved and invested a lot in. You were there for him from the beginning and you feel as though now he has made it, he should be yours. Logically, it makes sense. But life isn’t about logic. The concept of “investment” is based on risk. When you invest in someone, you’re taking a chance, knowing fully well that your investment may not reap benefits. More so, above all this is the fact that in order to guarantee that an investment becomes fruitful, you have to take care of it. By cheating, you did the opposite. While there’s no guarantee that if you hadn’t cheated, he’d have stayed true to you, the fact that you cheated 5 times is more than enough reason for him to not want to settle down with you. And this is because cheating kills trust and without trust, no relationship (marriage or not) can be healthy or grow. Even when people forgive cheating, it takes eternity to regain trust and that’s the biggest challenge. But then, you’d need to ask yourself clarifying questions- why would you want to be in a relationship that was choking you? Is it for the sole reason of “collecting” on your investment? Why did you cheat in the first place? Seeing as though he is now married, finding answers to these questions are solely for your own healing and benefit because while a loved one’s actions can “push” you to cheat, the decision to do so is ultimately yours. In order to move on, you’d need to first of all take responsibility for your part in the break-up and accept that there’s nothing you can do to undo the past. Once you make peace with that reality, then take calculated steps; confide in someone you can trust whenever you feel down, maintain a distance from him especially on social media, learn from your mistakes and focus on self-improvement. For more detailed tips, here are tips for getting over your break-up. In all this, do keep your head-up. Best of Luck!