I’m writing :). Seems like it’s been a while since I actually wrote something besides “Check this song out.”
Anyways, a few days ago there was a whole discussion on twitter on whether a guy in a relationship is allowed to keep his female best friend or “bestie.” As you can expect opinions were flying all over the place. Now when I say bestie, I’m not talking about those, I met you yesterday and 2 weeks later we’re forming bestie o. I’m talking about going way back, known this person for a while bestie that just so happens to be of the opposite sex.
One of the arguments raised was that the “best friend” could have feelings for the other person buried deep for a while, and will start manifesting it when the other is in a relationship, and seemingly out of reach. As much as I think those instances happens sometimes, I believe it’s actually a rarity. I’ve had female friends that have seen girlfriends come and go, and never showed the slightest sign of jealousy or spite. What someone people mistake for “she has feelings for you”, might just be genuine friendship, and nothing more.
One classic case that comes up a lot, is if the “bestie” doesn’t like the “new boo” for any reason or another. More often than not, that is mistaken for, “oh he/she must have feelings for you… he/she is just jealous.” Or it could just be that the friend is just looking out like a friend should. Friends are supposed to do that right? As girl or a guy you see things better for your “bestie” from the outside looking in, and you’re in a great position to say “hey… there’s something not right.” It’s not cos the “bestie” is the evil person from hell. They might just be looking out sincerely.
There was once a time in college that a girl I dated wanted me to stop talking to my very close female friend, and me sef like mumu I stopped. 4 months later, I’m single again, and guess who’s house I went to go drink and complain at. Exactly! My close female friend. Imagine the look on my face when she said “I told you.”
The reason I bring this is up is that your true friends will always be your main peeps. Some people have best friends of the same sex, and others dont. And so the best thing to do as someone coming into a scenario where your significant other has a close friend of the opposite sex is, 1. decide if you can deal with it or not, and make a choice to move forward based on that, 2. become friends with the friend. They just might come in handy in the future for one reason or another. The worst thing you can do in my opinion is get hostile or make demands.
I personally I’m off the opinion that your girlfriend/boyfriend of a few months to a year cant be coming in and telling you who you should be friends with or not. It’s ok to be uncomfortbale with your significant other having close friends of the opposite sex, but you also have to understand those friends were there before and will probably be there after you’ve gone, assuming the relationship goes south. Your relationship with your significant other will slowly progress as time goes on, and with time you will probably be the most important person in the person’s life. But as for me, if you come in with one kind “you can’t do this with this person” and all that, then nah there red card go show for air. Maybe after one year you’ll tell me my cousin can’t come see me again, then when I marry my Mama no fit come house. We’re in a relationship not a marriage and so things are not that serious. What now happens, if I give up my xyz friend because of you, and we end up not working out. I end up a possibly a 2-time loser.
In my non-expert opinion, the key to any successful relationship is understanding on both ends. If your partner knows you’re not comfortbale with his/her friends of the opposite sex then they’ll try to be understanding and maybe cut down on the interaction especially if they really like you, and your reasons aren’t based on some random insecurities gotten from one movie, or sitcom where the best friends marry at the end. I do agree that there will be certain boundaries once you get in a relationship that i think is pure common sense, but not a whole scale life style change.
I don’t think the “best friend” is more of a threat to you than any other random toaster or what not that is trying to set p constantly, and if you’re truly convinced that there might be some sparks in the friendship then do yourself a favor and exit the building. You’ll be doing them a favor anyways.
This is definitely just my opinion on this issue though, and it might very well be that I’m in the minority on this issue, but let’s hear it though. Are you comfortable with your boyfriend/girlfriend having a best or close friend of the opposite sex?