When Trust Is Too Much To Ask For In A Relationship… By James Amuta

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Modern cosmopolitan dating is one confusing trip to be on. So, it’s no surprise why most people are opting to remain single, not necessarily by choice, but by a subconscious inability to put up with the socio-emotional shortcomings of cosmopolitan dating. Recently, I’ve tried to drive through the boulevards of the female psyche to decipher some of the reasons why the bridge of emotional disconnect is getting wider by the minute, yet getting more and more battered by the motorists (or more aptly, lovers) who use and abuse that bridge.

When you’re dating, is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to spend the night with an ex boyfriend? Is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to lie to you about her whereabouts if as she claims, she’s up to no tricks at all?

This fresh couple I know – Kola and Vivian are at an emotional impasse. The love each other, but recently that love is up for eviction, and only your honest feedback can help them keep it in their hearts for a while longer. Kola was recently put in an awkward position by his girlfriend, Vivian. They’ve been dating for about 6 months and are thinking of taking things a lot more seriously – now the issue they must confront is one of trust.

 

Kola’s girlfriend, Vivian leaves his apartment one afternoon at about 1: 30 pm, informing him that she’s going to meet up with her “ex-lover” Jacob, to formally let him know that she had moved on, and was no longer interested in whatever they had in the past – to break up with him – let him down softly so to speak, so he says “it’s okay, go for the meeting, but please be safe, and come back home on time”.

But then it’s nightfall already, about 8:30pm, Vivian still hasn’t called or come home, so Kola calls her, “hey babe, are you okay?”, and she responds, “yes I’m fine, I’m in the car with Jacob now, he’s dropping me off at Toke’s place”, and the guy ponders for a bit, asking, “I thought you were gonna come home after meeting him, why the sudden need to go to Toke’s place – is she alright?”, and his girlfriend says, “she’s not feeling too fine, she called several times, so Jacob is just going to drop me off at her place, depending on how bad she’s feeling, I might spend the night at her place”, and the guy feeling for Toke, says “it’s okay, but let me know how she’s feeling when you see her – give her my best regards, please”.

But then an hour later, Kola calls her again, and says “hey, how’s Toke doing”, and his girlfriend says, “oh, I’m still with Jacob, we’re eating, afterwards, he’d drop me at Toke’s place” the guy is now suspicious, he says, “don’t you think it’s getting late already – I’m not comfortable with you hanging out with this dude late into the night, it’s almost 9:30pm and you’ve been with him since 1pm – anyway, just assure me you’re telling me the truth that there’s nothing amiss here”, and she gets all warm and fuzzy, “oh no, everything’s fine – he’s gonna drop me off at Toke’s place immediately after this meal, okay, you have nothing to worry about” and Kola retorts, “so, you’re assuring me that you’re not spending the night out with this guy”, and Vivian says, “I promise, dear, I can’t do such a thing to you”, and the guy concludes the call by saying, “ please call me as soon as you get to Toke’s place”.

But suspecting that she might give the same cliché excuse most unfaithful women use in their defense, “I wanted to call, but there was not airtime on my phone” – he transferred some airtime to her phone, just to cover all tracks. After exactly one hour – 10: 30pm now, he tries to call her but she’s not picking – after a few rings, he gives up. 30 minutes later, he calls again, and she picks up, and launches into “oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t with my phone”, so the now suspicious boyfriend asks “where are you?”, and she responds, “I’m at Toke’s place”, so the guy says, “oh good. How is she feeling, please give her the phone, I’d like to say ‘get-well-soon’”, and the girlfriend says, “oh, I’m downstairs, Toke is upstairs, I’ll give her the phone when I go upstairs” and the guy pauses for a minute, before he adds, “is Jacob still there with you?”, and she admits, “yes”, the guy continues, “and he’s the reason you refused to pick my call – you know what send me Toke’s number, I’ll call her myself” – understanding that she’s been caught in a lie, but still trying to defend her immoral honor, “Kola, don’t worry, I was just in the car with Jacob, he’s leaving soon” – the boyfriend seeing the lie clearly now, “you’ve been lying all this while, just admit you’re not at Toke’s place, and that you are spending the night with Jacob, at least, I’d know you’re not calling me stupid by wanting me to believe you’re not doing exactly what both you and I know you’re doing”

The truth unfolds, and she says, “Kola, I’m sorry, I’m actually at Jacob’s but I’m not gonna screw him, trust me…I need this, please”

 

However, conversely, is it too much to ask your boyfriend to trust you while you spend the night in your ex-boyfriend’s house? In Vivian’s defense, as she claims, Jacob isn’t actually an ex-boyfriend, but rather a friend with whom she occasionally had sex with. But in Kola’s defense, he feels this Jacob guy has been described as a randy, horny toad that gets a boner each time an attractive female’s in sight.

So, the facts are: Vivian told Kola that she was going to meet Jacob for a chat. Vivian changed her mind along the line and decided to spend the night at Jacob’s place. Vivian not wanting Kola to worry tells him a lie, saying she was going to crash at her girlfriend’s place. Kola discovered the charade, and Vivian comes clean about her intention to spend the night at Jacob’s place. Now, Vivian wants Kola to trust her, and believe that she didn’t screw Jacob that night.

The ultimate question is: is it too much for your girlfriend to ask for this sort of trust? And what would it take a boyfriend to give her that trust?

 

–James Amuta

[James Amuta is the author of Enigma: Beyond the Poet; a maverick publicist with expertise in television/film content and corporate publicity. He’s also a filmmaker with a few documentaries and TV commercials to his credit. Find more of his notes on www.facebook.com/jamesamuta or follow him on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jamesamuta]   

 

 

By James Amuta

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11 COMMENTS

  1. This is why am not dating n remained a Friends w/benefit guy! D@ way I knw its just sex! Nuthng more nuthng less!! She doesn’t owe me anything! I don’t owe her anything! She comes over I wear my condom…we do a couple of rounds…and its till d next time we need to nack!! The cosmopolitan dating scene is horrible! For 1 all d babes I dated seriously in d past r were dey r in d past! Except we bump into each other n exchange a few pleasantries! Or on birthdays when I send text msgs or call to be civil! There’s a reason past relationships didn’t work! U got tired of that person! There’s no need trying to recollect by having 1 last sex bout w/d person bcos u want to say good bye! I recommend friends w/benefits! Its d way to go! 2 frnds helping each other out sexually!

  2. Em how do I put this without being rude, kola vivian is a bitch leave her. Such a trust doesn't exist. If she loves u in d first place she wouldn't have lied or agreed to spend the night at her ex's place. She is taking you for a ride and simultaneously insulting your intelligence. I mean that's too much to ask. There is a reason he is called your 'Ex' that means you don't have anything to do with him again, you have moved on and you are no longer gonna spend the night at his place especially if you have a new boyfriend. Tell me will you agree to keep your meat with your dog over night and expect nothing will happen to your meat the next day? It's either the dog will be tempted to eat the meat or the aroma of the meat wil tempt the dog, either which way there will be temptation and your meat will not be in the same condition you left it. And in the write up Jacob was described as a "randy, horny toad that gets a boner each time an attractive female’s in sight". Apply that same sense to my example. A vicious, hungry impatient dog with a meat. You do the maths.

  3. It is not too much for Vivian to ask Kola to trust her that much.But she has to be truthful.She should have told him when she changed her plans.Knowing she lied about something as huge as that makes believing whatever explanation that follows difficult.Better to tell the truth and make worried,than make him comfortable with lies…wish ’em luck.

  4. Would always say this, ladies most times,can’t let go their vomits! The word. “EX” means previous,so tend 2 do with d Next! I’ve been in couple of relationships, never felt bad until ma last GF messed up totally, I decided 2 4get anything called love,trust,commitment! Let’s just say friends with maximum benefits is the way forward! Ladies/guys we R just mystry! Lve d life its 2 short for regrets

  5. Where vivian went wrong was when she lied.

    For me, i promised myself to be truthful to my partner at least 98% of the time. That way, i have been able to check my excesses but its nt been easy.

    Trust is like a paper that when crumpled, neva goes bk to being the same. I think vivian is still lying to herself to start with.

    I would say that kola should forgive her if this is a 1st offence and watch carefully but with guarded heart to see if such happens again.

  6. Hmmmmm….vivian did wrong by lying n no jupiter can prove notin happned btwn dem…trust wen broken can never be regained.

  7. The modern Nigeria woman is a liar and a cheat. You can count on your fingers how many are honest. What is most troublesome is that they tell you that they are looking for someone, who is honest and truthful. Did I mention religious. But they will be the first to break the trust. Maybe it is the society Nigeria that is making them behave the way they do. They juggle multiple men and pass diseases from one to another all for money. When you catch them, they'll find some excuse or blame you for everything. I hardly trust them anymore. A waste of time if you ask me.

  8. Vivian is just an unserious girl that doesn’t deserve Kola at all… What can one probably have to settle with one’s ex? This kind of girls just make guys not to trust d rest of us…Fuck up!

  9. Kai which kind of post is this? This is how people start these ridiculous gender bashing debates.
    Trust issues and betrayal go both ways. Na today men and women begin de play away match? It's not limited to one gender.

    Carry go.

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