It Wasn’t Me

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WARNING

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If you are too busy and have very important things to do, I’d suggest you forget about reading this silly article. It was not written with the intention of teaching you anything. I hope it makes you smile sha.

I was spending some quality time in traffic with my most trusted companion……thebeat 99.9fm.I heard a song by shaggy…It wasn’t me…..I’m sure you remember it….something about being caught red handed.This article originated from that song. So now I want us to think about those awkward moments of silence that make us realize we have just been busted…yup that moment when you are caught doing something you certainly shouldn’t be doing which could be  lying, stealing meat, pants down cheating on your partner or you were somewhere you shouldn’t have been. That moment when it is just you and someone in a room or on the phone and the dumb answer you have, to the question you are being asked is “ME?” duuuh who else is there apart from your shadow or was it a conference call?

I’m talking about those times you have made the silliest, dumbest statements and asked the most stupid questions because you are either trying to defend yourself or you are buying time to think of something less stupid to say…forgive my choice of words but I need you to understand where I am going…oh puuulleeeeaaasssee don’t start acting innocent and adjusting your halos because we have all been caught at one point in time playing dumb. If you insist that your middle name is Angel Gabriel and you are too much of a smart ass to get caught, please stop reading this article so that fellow liars like me don’t inspire you but if you change your mind, stick with me and find out what you have been missing.

My friends have gotten used to my using them as case studies so I am sure no one will get angry .I have full permission to publicize their foolishness if I want but today’s stories involve me as well as my friends.

CASE STUDY 1

I live in Lagos but I was spending some time with my girlfriends in Abuja after attending a wedding there. I had so much fun with them and we all decided to do another girls night out in Lagos. I didn’t want my boyfriend to know I was back in Lagos, not because I had other “runs” or anything like that but I just wanted to have fun with the girls without anyone asking me not to stay out late. We really planned to have fun. So we came into lagos quietly. God now decided to expose me. Till today, I don’t know how all the money I had on me got missing, good thing was I still had an ATM.Guess whose ATM it was…..yup my boyfriend. I foolishly used it at GTB along Adeola Odeku ( is there Adeola Odeku in Abuja?).GTB ever so efficient sent their stupid alert to boyfys phone before I even finished putting the money in my wallet.3 seconds later my phone rang and the following conversation ensued:

Boyfy: Babe where are you????

Me: enh? (This is always the first dumb answer which always comes out as a question.often used to buy thinking time)

Boyfy: What are you doing on Adeola Odeku?

Me: Me? Where? As in? how? (I don dey blab,now in a state of total confusion..yep i actually said all those words) hmm…na so i gum beside the ATM o.

This is exactly what I am talking about. Could there be answers more stupid than the ones I gave?Now check this out:

CASE STUDY 2

I was at my boyfriends place (now ex) for the weekend. We were just lying in bed gisting and my hand gets under the pillow. I felt something odd….no it wasn’t a bra….it was a girl’s braid that had fallen off probably after or during a serious and most likely steamy session of whatever happened on the bed(wetin go commot her hair before? hurricane?). I pulled it out and it was a long brown braid…I had black weaves on . The following conversation came up:

Me: Wole whose hair is this?

Wole: It’s not yours? (Yet another dumb answer/question…. gosh…. I really wanted to slap his ears off)

CASE STUDY 3

This happened just before the break up. This was on another stay at woles place. He just got back from work and I was hanging up his jacket when a condom fell out of his inner pocket. Here’s how this one went:

Me: Where are you coming from!!!! (raking and smoke coming out of my nose)

Wole: Work now mtcheeeew

Me: so what do you need this at work for? It fell out of your pocket!!! (holding up the condom)

Wole: My pocket? (Dumb duck)

Me: No, my  ear.

Wole: (Be warned, this answer is really dull) ooooooh ok, it’s a new brand and I just wanted to show it to the guys at the office. (OMG!! I wanted to put his balls through a shredder).

Me: i see,condom brand manager (i should have taken taekwando classes in secondary school more seriously….this would been the best time to punch him silly)

I could go on and on at least now you catch my drift. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. So if you read this article and you feel you have learnt something, then I really pity you…you are totally on your own.. If you liked it and it put a teeny weeny smile on your face, please share your stupid moments with crème. All those times wey you know say you f***k up. I’d really like to hear  what you were doing and the stupid answers you gave.As well as the reaction that followed ( even if you had your face a bit err rearranged).

image source: http://thepoliticalcarnival.net

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