What’s Wrong With These Facking Kids?

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I don’t know if it’s just me, but has anyone noticed that kids of nowadays are nothing like kids of 20 years ago? There is something fundamentally wrong with the psyche of the children of this generation. While I have not really sat down to analyse the situation, I am hoping this particular rant of mine will evoke some responses from you guys and maybe solve this dilemma that is presently bothering me.

I have stopped going to Silverbird Cinemas and the E-Center. Why? Because I have no intention of being paraded on ‘Crime-fighters’ and spending the rest of my life in Kiri-Kiri maximum prison for voluntary manslaughter or something worse! Have you noticed the horde of ‘juveniles’ who throng the fun spots day in, day out-punching the holy crap out of their blackberrys,(ask me what a 14 year old is doing with one, abeg?)chattering away in affected accents, gesticulating like gaylords (which I suspect most of them will grow up to be) and drama queens (which some of them already are) and generally making a right nuisance of themselves. I remember being in Silverbird one afternoon for something I can’t remember right now… I was walking on the corridor on the first floor when these two little punks stepped out of a shop and began walking towards me. Now, my dear parents taught me to always give my elders the right of way whenever the need arose but I don’t think the parents of these little pricks ever read that script. They kept on walking and one of them had the balls (probably hairless, if you’ll forgive the pun) to bump shoulders with me. I looked back at him in indignation and was thoroughly irritated to see the punks mean-mugging me back. They whispered something to each other and sniggered away, which strengthened my resolve to revenge their lack of discretion. I stalked them, circling round the floor until I came face to face with them again. The little punk who bumped into me was speaking into his cell phone when he looked up and saw me. He probably saw the sadistic glint in my eye and made to hang up the phone but it was too late… I closed the gap between us and ground the heel of my shoe into his big toe, twisting it as I lovingly sought to cause him as much grief as I could in as short a time as possible. Yes, I know there are bouncers at the Galleria but if you had waited for me to finish, I would have told you that I knew around three-quarters of their number as most of them come to a gym near where I live so I was confident my action was not going to result in my mug being rearranged!

Back to the issue at hand… The little punk opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He dropped his phone (pretty expensive looking, I might add) on the floor and clutched his foot in mortal agony. His ‘friend’ weighed the situation and came to the sharp conclusion that I had over 40kg over him and nearly two feet in height and his chances of coming out in a state close to being alive if I had cause to engage in physical combat with him were as slim as Yakubu Aiyegbeni ever winning the World Footballer of the Year award and so he dropped beside his friend and offered what little succour he could while I whistled a jaunty tune and walked away, pleased as a State Governor when the Federal Government releases the monthly revenue allocation.

Okay, okay… I digress… For some reason, I suspect the quality of audio-visual content these children are made to watch is partly the reason for their literal retardation. The quality of children’s programmes has dropped significantly ever since ‘Voltron’ was yanked off the air. Nowadays, kids have to make do with brain-damaging cartoons like ‘Ben 10’ and ‘Tele-tubbies’. I shudder to think of what I might have been if I was forced to grow up on these!

I was at a family function when one little punk (what is the female word?) of a cousin walked up to me. The last time I checked, I was older than the Paris Hilton wanna-be by at least 12 years, but it didn’t stop her from trying enthusiastically to spoil my day. Decked in a traditional outfit that her father must have physically forced her into wearing, lest she turned up for the party looking like a 2nd year prostitute, she was a study in teenage insanity as she flopped into an empty seat beside me without asking for permission first, chewing gum loudly and clutching a high-end Blackberry. I scowled deeply in the vain hope that she would get the message and go bother some other unlucky relative but she obviously didn’t get the message. ‘Oh dahleeeeeng!’ She crowed, sounding like a cross between a dying vulture and a Nigerian On-Air personality, ‘eets been aygeeees seence eye saw yoouuuu!’ (I translated that last sentence just the way she said it. But seeing how much torture she inflicted on me with that sentence, I will refrain from subjecting you to the same treatment.) I instantly went into ‘brain-dead’ mode and was blissfully unaware of whatever she might have said in the three minutes or so that she elected to torment my existence. I vaguely remember grunting absently after every third sentence she uttered until she got bored with me and picked some unlucky victim to excruciate.

Another IQ booster for me is the concept of caning… I think caning does a lot to improve a child’s reasoning power!  I’ll give you the gist in the sequel… Stay tuned!

photo credit: http://www.milwaukeemagazine.com/currentIssue/full_feature_story.asp?NewMessageID=18725

22 COMMENTS

  1. "Have you noticed the horde of ‘juveniles’ who throng the fun spots day in, day out-punching the holy crap out of their blackberrys,(ask me what a 14 year old is doing with one, abeg?)chattering away in affected accents, and generally making a right nuisance of themselves…For some reason, I suspect the quality of audio-visual content these children are made to watch is partly the reason for their literal retardation. The quality of children’s programmes has dropped significantly ever since ‘Voltron’ was yanked off the air."

    You ain't never lied! It's so scary and irritating. But when one talks, people are apt to label you as a hater or enemy of civilization or what not. Personally, I'm not against embracing foreign cultures, shoot i live outside Nigeria and people tend to label me as being too foreign or American, whatever. What i have an issue with is when we embrace foreign cultures/behavior to the detriment of what it really means to be true to ourselves, whatever that is. Also, even if we want to borrow cultures, can we at least take the time to study and understand the culture and not just follow trends blindly. Most of us in naija never do that. We just follow follow. It's depressing and mind-boggling (Case in point: when did blackberry's become a status symbol? Or wearing sweaters or scarves in the blazing heat in Lagos? Or speaking sotey i can't even hear what you are trying to tell me in your bri-american-jamaican accent…Enunciate people and take a cue from Professor Wole Soyinka and Joke Silva. Kai, i tire for naija at times). But i guess it's the era of globalization and progress. Sigh. I do miss the era of Voltron, captain planet, teenage mutant ninja turtles, tales by moonlight, to name a few. Lol at your revenge tactic and the girl on the cellphone. Sorry for the sermon:)

  2. LOL. Ole boy u wicked oo. Why did u smash that kid's toe like that?

    I have to say the whole fake accent and darling thing is very annoying. lol.

    Nice post

  3. Nice read boss!!!! we've totally gone crazy uno, gaining alot of foriegn experience and losing traditional ethics( respect, manners and all). Those kids deserved what they got. Cheers

  4. I think our desire to be americans or become so westernized has affected and hurt too many things in naija..one of which is up bringing. I traveled bact to naija 2 years ago..to find that my siblins ( although not fully spoiled) get away with more things than i ever did with my mother..and many of their friends are like that. It pains me that its seems eveything about naija seems to be going down the drain..even culture and up-bringing that i so much bragg about with my american friends seems to be none existent. I just shake my head everytime a 10 year old naija person just come and call me by my name Ignoring the 15 year gap between us…Not begging for anyone to call me brother oo…but its little things like that, that keeps respect..Like the writer said… Caning is definitely necessary…I've been in america for 15 years and when i have my kids…am goin out to get a cane…just cuz its Necessary…

    • i totally agree with your statement,"..even culture and up-bringing that i so much bragg about with my american friends seems to be none existent". this is very sad;kids of nowadays may never know what it is like to grow the way we were raised before this rampant westernization that is taking place.

  5. Wo Ada fun e o! awon omode yi ti fe gba emi mi pelu awon ori-si-ri-si iwa to ko jo ti ile bba wa. Ha! emi gan ti pinu pe mi o ni lai lai de Silver Bird abi Silver Vulture mo. Kilode! Awon omde birin fe fi ara won taraka,wa fe le ri omu elomi abi papa abe won!

    Wo o sun mi ki ma so mi.Eti so Otito ibe jade.

    Esee.

  6. Dear writer, you're a hater!! stop hatin, no you're not young anymore and you can't go back in time and be bitchy to your elders the way teens of nowadays are. but what you can do is respect them so maybe they in turn respect you… stop hatin'..appreciate.

    • If it was about hating, many would not agree with him. Are you one of the ones with total lack of respect for those older? What is there to be enviuos of children who have no basic training in the art of "respect you elder"? Is it a good thing to actually walk into someone obviously older? Is it a sign of respect be disrespectful? Be real, else when your are older than your grandmother, some young one will slap you for existing – won't be suprised if they have started doing that to elderly people.

    • 'Dear writer, you’re a hater!! stop hatin, no you’re not young anymore and you can’t go back in time and be bitchy to your elders the way teens of nowadays are.' This has to be the dumbest comment I have ever seen! Is it my 'duty' to respect children younger than me, so that they in turn will respect me? Why in this world would I want to be 'bitchy'(or dog-gy) to my elders? I strongly suspect you are a spoiled little brat yourself and this piece got to you… Piss off!

    • you MUST be kidding! You are likely among the demented crowd of the kids being talked about who will not be able to land a job…that is assuming you even graduate out of highschool or university…get some damn manners and grow up.

  7. This is absolutely hilarious and even doe I’m one of the young ‘punks’ described in this write-up,I agree with the writer!we are a weird generation but we have a lot to offer,just wait and see!

  8. Brilliant read, and definitely the truth. At least you have 2 feet on those little punks, I'm about the same height with a baby face so nothing for me. Lol. These pre-teen/teen girls are even wearing heels and enough make-up to start a Mac outlet. Na them sabi, when karma comes around they will have to shape up or suffer the consequences – and I'm sure it will be more than a throbbing big toe. 🙂 Lessons on how NOT to raise our kids.

  9. LMAO!!! mehn, really needed this, had a thunderous laugh reading this, kidz are so messed today,its really very sad! seeing the young girls with all the make up and heels makes me wanna kill something! when i hear them talking about their boyfriends **rolls eyes** i fantasise about actually killing something!

  10. for those saying its hating its not please. before i use to see such kids and feel the same way, but now all i have for them is sympathy, i mean loosin innocense so early,those days were fun . now they are so young nd bothering about the things they are not supposed to., "keepin up". what reason would some one have to hat them for, you are goin to have kids someday and hope they too dnt turn out like that.imagine u have kids like that nd u have friends visitin nd de just walk pass nd not even a simple hello ma or hello sir?

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