I Hate BlackBerrys (and so should you…)

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I suspect I’m slowly morphing into a mass-murdering maniac and there appears to be no hope for me, except Research in Motion Limited (they are the makers of Blackberry, dumbass!) inexplicably goes bankrupt and is forced to shut down its operations. Barring this improbable occurrence, I might be forced to kill every Blackberry-toting human being I come in contact with, for the perfectly good reasons I will highlight below. Given the massive popularity of the Blackberry brand and the huge profits thereof, (from U.S President Barack Obama to that recharge card vendor on your street) I appear to have a lot of killing to do!

It thoroughly gets my goose whenever I see people who have absolutely no need for the phone walking with their noses touching the screens and furiously banging at the keypad. I know most of YOU Nigerians are fad-conscious and will subscribe to nearly anything that appears to make you look more successful than the next fellow (especially irrelevant titles like ‘Chief’, ‘Alhaji’, ‘Otunba’, and ‘Obong’) but some people are taking this Blackberry thing too far.

For the avoidance of doubt, I strongly believe the Blackberry is a revolutionary tool in the field of communications. People can easily access important information on the go, making them work more efficiently. The class of people mentioned in the last sentence certainly do not include UNILAG girls (or any aristo-loving female, for that matter) and every Segun, Emeka and Musa that want to impress members of the opposite sex with their ‘phones.’

First problem: A lot of people who own Blackberries did not purchase them with money earned from an honest job. The phones are usually ‘maga-ed’ from one randy goat who, blinded by lust, is willing to shell out N80,000 on a mobile phone in the often vain hope that his sexual urge will be fulfilled by the recipient of the phone. On securing it, the female quickly exploits another dumbass and gets the schmuck to dole out N5,000 every month for her Blackberry Enterprise Activation which enables her surf the net and chat (substitute with gossip) all goddamned day with her equally narrow-minded cohorts.

Second problem: Is it just me, or do those garishly coloured Blackberry jackets annoy you too? For most females, their Blackberry experience isn’t complete without a pink, yellow or purple phone case to go with it. Some females take it a big step further by purchasing different colours and wearing outfits to match the colours of their phone jackets. For the love of Pete, COME ON!!!

Third (But not final) problem: We all know you own a Blackberry and we are sure your village is proud of you, but can’t you make a conscious effort to keep your phone in your pocket when you are not actually using it? It is pretty crass to conspicuously hold your phone in your hand all day so as to boost your ego, even though no one really gives a piss if you have a Blackberry or a Nokia 3310! It takes me back to 2004/2005 when I was schooling in the South-Eastern part of the country and the comical scenes of people hanging their mobile phones around their necks like adornments, back when a Sendo or Trium phone cost an arm and a leg and were considered status symbols!

Fourth problem: Paying N5,000 a month so you can BB chat all day and night is, to me, a pretty short-sighted financial decision! I mean, there is life outside ‘lol-ing’ and ‘lwkmd-ing’ all day with no significant value added to your life. I have friends who, but for the bond already established before they purchased their Blackberrys, I would have desisted from visiting them and maybe deleted their numbers while at it. It is pretty upsetting conversing with someone and when you glance at the person you feel you were talking to; you find them pounding away on their keypads with you long-forgotten! It’s really, really annoying. Really!

I hope these reasons will boost my defence in a court of law, if and when the notoriously incompetent Nigerian Police arrest me for murdering approximately 500,000 Blackberry owners in Lagos State. (If they don’t shoot me out of hand, that is…)

23 COMMENTS

  1. Hehehe! Wat ever ur name is, I rili feel so sorry4 u! Ur reasons 4hating d BB makes no sense ok.

    U gossip too(don't lie) u just do urs over d fone while we do ours while chatting. The BB is also held all d tym so we don't always have to reach into our bags whenever we have a msg cos we get dem all d tym, if u have a problem wiv d shouting colours of d pouches u shld close ur eyes and walk past wen next u see one.

    Most of our family members and friends already own a BB so we hardly make calls, d 5000 we actually use to subscribe is a substitute for d recharge cards we spend in a month to call family and friends b4 we had our BBs.

    U can never actually understand until u get urself one. Buy urself a bb friend and stop hating ;-). Thanks to my BB, else I wouldn't have been able to see ur notjustok article

  2. Lol…you really need to mind your own Black Berry for real. How is it your business who uses it? How they bought? LMAO…gboro mi di eleru will not kill some people. I couldn't even finish reading this mess cause it was just over sabi.

  3. Sorry I woulld have to agee with Ivie…First of all I read this silly article on my BB. Idk…ur views must be a Naija thing because here in the US everyone has either a BB, IPhone or some type of Android. And its not purchased to be flashy, but to keep up with the times and technology. Hey if ppl can afford N5000 a month on service then who r u to criticize? I use my BB for personal, business, to chat with fam overseas, to connect with the rest or the world in seconds, and to read "articles" online…anywho no point going at this any further. There is nothing wrong with BBs or the ppl who can afford to use them. Maybe one day ur heart will change when u receive ur first BBM msg. Take care luv 😉 e

  4. I can see some clowns are still living in in the 60's. Young man close ur eyes and buy yourself a bb ok. If u don't have the money send me ur pin so i can send u money to …..oh wait dats right u don't have a pin. Let me see how do we do this… ok! when next u go to the cyber cafe……

    DUMB article he probably wrote it 2yrs ago.

  5. LWKMD…

    Children, I DO own a blackberry and I've had it for close to two years now! I wrote this as a SATIRIC piece… What's with all the animosity? You guys need to learn to read between the lines!

  6. Such a pity that five people can think the same way, asintypical NAIJA people, not willing to go outside the box. That thing is annoying and getting a phone now is way cheaper than it was getting a SIM Card back in the days now one idiot with a CHINA version blackberry will be feeling fly, BACK in the days only BUSINESSMEN and WOMEN had blackberries cus it was easier to communicate, but nowadays it just annoying, and the noise it makes when a msg come in, even wen u r watching a movie, some IDIOTS a busy BB-ing. WHY????????? And the annoying thing is that the MAJOR functions of the phone have been ignored, everybody uses it for the same thing, CHAT, CALl and thats all NO BUSINESS NETWORKING….

  7. I do agree with you on most of the things you noted especially when people use their phones to point and gesture like their hands aren't sufficient enough.. But sadly, BBs arent what they were once created for; I mean even my 13 year old sis owns one.. Then again, technology has evolved and most phones nowadays are smart phones with the intent to connect rather than talk. We as Nigerians just choose to purchase BBs as you mentioned because of societies undefined norm & BBM.. and yes, I do own one too *guilty*

  8. LOL! I can totally get your point of view. Owning a BB is okay if you actually use it for something other than to feel like you have 'arrived'. I have friends who got it as soon as it came out and its really no big deal. I think the issue is not so much owning a BB as the etiquette (or lack thereof) when using it. Some people just want you to know they have a BB and to other more classy people its like "Yeah…I have a BB…so?"

    And like the author said, he got one a while ago so I really dont think jealousy is his problem. And people, for those of you who see any contrary opinion as a mark or sign of 'jealousy' or 'bad belle' please remember that not everyone had the same tastes and desires. To those who have BBs I say a big hearty congratulations that you have crossed that monumental task and I wish you the very best in your quest for the next best thing to own. To those who don' t I say 'that's ok too'- different strokes for different folks, people!

  9. Dude you sound like a hater to me. Next to placing a man on the moon , the blackberry is the next greatest invention of our time. OK maybe i exaggerate but take a scenario like this. A young man in New York needs to keep tabs on his aged mother in a remote part of Lagos. You see his Mom is Diabetic and on insulin and for his peace of mind he needs to follow her blood sugar levels daily to make sure she is fine, she lives alone and as u know calls to Naija are expensive. So what does our hero do, he gets his mom a blackberry and gets one for his sister and now with the touch of a button he can hail momsie in a twinkle of an eye, even better he can get his sister to check on her simply by sending a BBM. If that is not genius i don't know what is. I rest my case. Don't hate appreciate.

    • WAIT, So his mum(probably like 65 or 80) will know how to operate a blackberry, and understand LOL, LWKMD, BRB, G2G etc, and What makes you think she will want it, she will just sell the BB so that she can get money for her treatment or medication. And the sister might be a big illiterate, asin REMOTE PART OF LAGOS, asin EKO ILE ti mo ti wa, or she will sell the freaking phone and buy one palasa. GUy think well bout ur scenarios

  10. ok, obviously the hate is more directed towards gurls using blackberry and ur friends of course than blackberry itself, so what if people are banging away at their keyboard and so what if they only use it to text and sms and so what if the category of gurls u mentioned above coersed some guy to get them the bb and another to pay the monthly fee, blackberry is a good phone and if people don't bang hard at it, how else will they realise the full potential of their blackberry. sweetie, u need to go take a chill pill, drink off that jealousy (and yes it is jealousy) ur feeling, come back tomorrow morning all refreshed and look at life and what the blackberry has to offer from a different view. untill then, what you've said is all hater talking and nothing to do with the phone or it's applications itself.

  11. Yes I just had to comment on this.

    Q: What is the difference between a bb pin and a yahoo ID (or msn or skype or all the other messengers out there)?

    • bb pin is blackberry's chat application. if u have a blackbery, then u have a bb pin and u can chat with anyone who has a bb pin, world wide, for free. the application is free, but you have to buy/pay for internet to use it,

  12. LOL! I, for one, was addicted to the flashing red light from my crackberry! Unfortunately, I lost my BB two weeks ago and had to reactivate my old LG phone for the time being. Two weeks after my loss, I'm still experiencing withdrawal symptoms- twitching, chills, migraines, seeing random, imaginary flashing red lights. It's terrible!

  13. Nice article,he had one too so hating is out of it.@us bb user,you talked about people using iphones there but over here you still need to get a bb even if you have an iphone cos thats the fad.i think that is the irritating part the writer is trying to talk about.Most Nigerians are getting one because you just have to present a bb pin to look cool even when you can easily chat with your diabetic mum in the village using your current phone.so tell me,whats the difference between a Nigerian senator earning more than Obama and a guy who's trying to get a bb at all cost even when he doesn't really need it.i have a bb myself but i don't see the big deal in it(maybe because paying the 5k per month pisses me off) because my uncle who got it for me doesn't use one.

  14. ‘m totli on d same page wit tha writer of dis article!!d next person..i mean tha very next pelzin dah says to me, “heyyyy, long time..watz ur BB pin??” wud get a slap .i dnt have a problem wit bb, buh wit its users..speshli dose wu dnt evn have a steady income!!smh ‘m in d U.S n peeps r nt evn crazy bwt it ova ere..dis ole madness z in 9ja n in d UK..jus got a fone 3weeks back n i got a nokia, 5730 to be precise..’d buy a bb 4 times ova, buh i wont..i dnt need it!!it is simply ova-rated, i wont get it if my closet depended on it!!smdh thanks, bye (‘_’)

  15. Haha!! I know I'm late on this but this is hilarious. I relish your sense of humor. But i do somewhat agree with you. I've had a BB for close to 5years now and i never got it to "Feel cool". I actually got it because at the time, i was moving to a different state in the US to attend college and i felt i needed a professional phone to help me plan my life and a BB felt like a smart choice. Plus the push technology is amazing. Suffice to say when i visited naija this year, i was shocked that people really view having a BB as a status symbol. Plus there is that need to have their phones in their hands 24/7. Like really? For me, one downside about having a BB is reading through the foolish irrelevant minute by minute updates of some of my friends or viewing half naked images of random people on other's profile. Adding to my sadness was the introduction of the "Storm" and now the introduction of the "BB Torch" (sliders and BB's don't mix). I weep. Lol.

    Lol @ the guy with the diabetic mum needing insulin scenario. Talk about far-fetched. LMAO!!!

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