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Double Standard Expectations – Man vs Woman

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There’s something I’ve noticed about our society that drives me up the wall! I mean it really makes me steaming mad! This is the double standard that we portray and that double standard has managed to permeate our core, affecting the way and what we teach the next generation. This double standard presents itself in our expectations of and from boys and girls.
Take the issue of sexuality (which is my main focus here): we expect our girls to be virginal, decent, modest and pure while we give our boys the idea that all is well as far as they don’t give someone ‘belle’. Excuse me but what load of horse manure is that??!!
Why can’t we tell our daughters AND sons that premarital sex is not permitted by GOD? Why do we drum virginity and virtue into the heads of our daughters almost from infancy but leave our sons to their own devices, with a ‘boys will be boys’ attitude? When these boys become sexually active just who do you think they will be having sex with? But of course- the VERY SAME girls we have been trying to shelter: our daughters and sisters. That leaves the girls to lie and cover up their activities while the boys may very well brag about it. That is terribly unfair as it leaves the burden of chastity and self control FULLY in the hands of the girls! Any girl that ‘gives it up’ before marriage would then be regarded as ‘used’ while the boy who made her ‘give it up’ will be lauded and applauded for displaying his prowess and virility!
I have never heard a guy referred to as a ‘slut’ or ‘asewo’ even if he has the morals of an alley cat and sleeps with everything he can but those terms are liberally bandied about in reference to the girls. And do you know what? I am calling out the mothers and fathers of these boys on this issue! I am a mother to a son and as such included here. Some of our fathers smile and pat their sons on the back when they make their ‘first sexual conquest’, never once reprimanding them in the process. Indeed some fathers will even question their son’s sexual preference, worrying about their masculinity if they are still virgins at the age of 18! And mothers? Hah, we can be worse! If our son sleeps with a girl, we shrug and smile, saying with a chuckle ‘Haka ne…what do you expect? Is he not a man?’ Then we stand behind our sons and defend them even when they do wrong by a girl. “She’s the one who tempted him! My son is a good boy. SHE’s the bad girl- after all, if she agreed to sleep with him is she not cheap? No, leave my son alone!”
Then we wonder why our daughters sneak out and about and do what they want to do in the dark and then by daytime they act all prim and proper. Don’t believe me? Go to our universities and see. Many girls there have serious schizophrenic tendencies- acting one way at home and another when they are ‘set free’. I’m not excusing that behavior but I am saying that many times it is caused by a hypocritical and overly rigid attitude towards them from home. They are told one thing and see another being practiced.
People, wake the heck up! If you want a sexually moral society then you must insist on the same standards for ALL involved- regardless of gender! Now I realize that I may be in effect whipping a dead horse: “Hey” you may say “we’re living in the 21st Century and sex is the norm so quit with your moralizing! Besides, who is perfect?” I know, I know- I’m not moralizing here though: I’m just wondering why we are so hypocritical about the issue of sex. I think it’s unfair to place the bulk of the burden on one group of people. There are too many conflicting messages being given to our kids – “do it – don’t do it”; “keep it-don’t keep it”, “zip up- use a condom”, “Just make sure you don’t come back home pregnant- getting someone pregnant” etc. That’s all fine and good if those conflicting messages come from outside sources but more often than not they come from those closest to these kids.
Our places of worship sometimes don’t help matters- “Women, your homes are in your hands! After all the Bible says that ‘the wise woman builds her home while the foolish woman tears it down with her hands’” they say with righteous indignation! Then some of these women go home loaded with guilt to their cheating husbands convinced THEY are the cause of their husband’s infidelity! ‘After all men will be men- all men cheat and it’s normal’ we say. Is it any wonder that these men cheat when all their lives they have been given license to do as they please- knowing full well that when they marry the entire burden of fidelity, chastity and the overall success or failure of the marriage will rest on their wives? Then these same men raise sons who will more likely than not end up with the exact same attitude.
Just come to your average ‘Bridal Shower’ and listen to all the advice meted out to the blushing (or not-so-blushing) Bride-to-be. “Hmmmm…make sure you keep your husband at home oh!”, “Make sure you deliver in your first year- make him happy with a child!”, “Make sure the house is spotless, kids quiet, food cooked and bedroom ready- never mind if you work full time” “Above all, at ALL times you MUST SUBMIT!” Now this advice is not bad at all in itself- my issue is this… Where is the husband-to-be at that precise moment? Most likely buying beer for his wildin’ out Bachelor Party!!!
Has any elder or Pastor or even his father bothered to sit him down and say “Look son, you have to be gentle and patient with your wife. Treat her with love and respect and show her you appreciate her. Help her out when she’s down and provide her with strong shoulders to cry on when she needs. Remain faithful to her and understand the fact that her body and appearance may change with childbirth. Then, my boy, you will see a Queen emerge and you won’t ever have to push her to get your way, to get her to submit.” How many men get that kind of advice? Many will hear their friends advise them to cheat on their wives and in some extreme cases, even beat them into submission! Oh yeah, that does happen!
There are specific roles we play but let me tell you the burden does not fall only on one gender! We cannot be the best wives and girlfriends if the men in turn are not the best husbands and boyfriends and vice versa! Morality, fidelity, respect are to be expected from both genders and not just one. Any philosophy that thrives on hypocrisy is sure to fall.
So people, let’s be fair, shall we? You can’t expect little Princess to be all pure and holy and turn a blind eye when Junior acts like a rabid barn animal on the loose! Rules and regulations and proper instruction should apply to all!


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Comments

comments


Comments

Comments
  • Someone May 29, 2010 at 5:26 am

    This is a well-written piece. As a man I agree with your view. The truth of the matter is in as much as parents talk to their female children not to get close to men once they attain puberty, the male should also be informed of their role as well once they get to that same stage.

    As regard the marriage thing, my view is this; The Bible Say Man LOVE your wife as you Love yourself and the woman be SUBMISSIVE to her own husband. The Main thing is this; your love for your wife is not dependent on her been submissive to you and for the woman your submission is not dependent on your husband's love for you.

    Once again, thanks for a wonderful writing.

  • Playboy May 29, 2010 at 7:18 am

    Look my friend, get with reality and understand double standards is a fact of life. When men have to pay thousands of dollars to buy an engagement ring for a woman, and the woman does not have to reciprocate, is that not a double standard? When a man beats a woman, he is a horrible wife abuser, but when women put their hands on men, it's no big deal, isn't that a double standard? When a man has to toast and toast a woman, and the woman do not have to do the same, isn't that a double standard.

    Listen, there is a good reason why the double standard you are complaining about exist. Let me give me a good analogy. If a lock can be opened by multiply keys, it's regarded as a lousy lock. When a key can open multiple locks, it's regarded as a master key. So there you have it. Indiscriminate sex is more costly to the female, than it is to the male. It's the female that gets pregnant, have to carry the baby for 9 months, have to care for the baby henceforth. The man can run away to another city after nakking a babe, and not worry about anything else. Also, it's is much easier for a female to contract a STD than a man due to the nature of their anatomies. So get with the program, my friend.

    • V May 31, 2010 at 9:55 am

      "If a lock can be opened by multiply keys, it's regarded as a lousy lock. When a key can open multiple locks, it's regarded as a master key" WOW! REALLY? WHAT AN ANALOGY……

  • sifushka May 30, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    Uhm …Playboy? Seriously: PLAYBOY!!!??? How so very original! There's a reason why you use that name I'm sure…makes you feel like a 'real man' huh…or rather, in your oh-so-apt analogy- Master Key? LOL!!! "Get with the program?" Wow…where did you come up with that 'I've been watching Oprah' line?

    Anyway, you dont have to agree with my point of view as you're entitled to yours- whatever makes your boat rock. Besides, you know what they say about opinions and a certain anatomical region of the body- everybody's got one!

    I can see how much respect you have for the female gender in general and it would be interesting to see you end up with 5 daughters…then we'll see how amused you'll be when some random chaps use their 'Master keys' to 'unlock' their locks! Not wishing you ill, Mr Playboy, just stating the facts. I've seen guys like you before…and 10 to 1 we can ALL predict the kind of husband and father you would become.

    • sifushka May 31, 2010 at 12:41 am

      On second thoughts Mr Playboy…you do make some valid (if not skewed) points. I am not talking of physical or emotional abuse here: no man or woman has the right to abuse another so please keep the issue in perspective. Toasting is not the issue although there are plenty of women who do the same. Men generally do not appreciate women hitting on them- it takes away from their innate sense of pursuit but there are exceptions. The issue here is sexual expectations on the genders.

      I dont suppose anybody has the right to cast aspersions on who you are, including myself. I mean no disrespect to you, it just saddens me that you seem to have a sense of disrespect towards women.

      You would do well to put your sister or daughter and even mother in that posistion, and then see if you still feel the same way.

      When a man spends thousands of dollars on stuff for a woman consider what she will put into his home in the future- hard work, children and companionship. If that is not worth anything then I dont know what is to you.

  • joy osayi June 2, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Na wa o. Men, must you be irresponsible in the name of ''i am a man'' ?No wonder, a lot of men have curses hanging over thier heads cos of thier belief that they are master keys, and so must be messing up themselves around unlocking female doors. Remember, una get sisters n daughters, n future daughters. The word ''man'' conotes responsibility, care, love, faithfullness n integrity, not spraying ur male organ around.

  • anon June 3, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    stupid post.stupid writer. end of story.

    • Zeey June 9, 2010 at 5:04 am

      "stupider" anon. probably "one of the boys" MCHEEWW!!!

    • bbola September 4, 2010 at 6:38 am

      Olodo ni e.

  • waka June 5, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Wow! What a post! Have been thinking what I would teach my boys (aged 5 and 3) when they grow up enough to understand relationships; now, you have set me in the right direction.

    Thanks.

  • ShadeNoncon October 12, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Amen to this! Parents need to train their sons and daughters properly and treat them equally, like you said, rules should apply to all.

    I really thank God that my parents never instilled such BS ideologies in me or my brother. Personally, sex should never be about trying to "keep yourself for one man [or woman] so that you can appear holy". That's major bullshit. Abstaining from sex should be between you and God. Or rather, you and your fiancee choosing to abstain from sex because that's what the bible preaches and it'll save you from unnecessary wahala.

    I really can't stand some delusional men who call women "ho's" because they engage in pre-marital sex or whatever. First, who are you to judge? Second, if you are doing the same, don't get it twisted, you're not a gigolo or a player, you a "ho" bro! Get with the program.

  • idontwannasay September 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    i agree with you but
    it’s not only the men to women double standards
    it’s also the women to men double standards
    1. chivalry (chivalry from the man but not from the woman??)
    2. clothing (if a guy dresses as a girl ‘what the hell, eww’, a girl dressing as a guy ‘no problem’ )
    3. breaking up (a guy breaking up with a girl ‘YOU JERK!’, a girl breaking up with a guy ‘Oh, you poor thing’)

    humans have double standards, you too by just amplifying the women to men double standards but not the men to women double standards

    BOTH GENDERS HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS TOWARDS EACHOTHER

    we should learn to get rid off these standards, not blame ‘em all on the opposite gender

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