Broad Spectrum Toasting…HER Style

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HAPPY NEW YEAR to all Jagudans!!! Remain blessed all through 2010!

Okay…I realize that maybe I’m being a bit unfair on the guys in focusing on their own ‘toasting’ techniques. All right then, in the interest of Equal Rights I shall now move on to…Broad Spectrum Toasting – Her Style!
Yes boys, we can toast too. And do you know the beauty of the whole thing? Sometimes y’all don’t have the slightest clue that you, the traditional Hunter, become the Hunted; the Prey! And in most cases we tend to succeed when we set out to get you- unless you really, really don’t like us or we are really, really ‘wowo’ but that’s another story…so here goes.

1.) The DAMSEL IN DISTRESS Approach: “Oh…oh my goodness…I seem to have lost my ATM Card…maybe I dropped it…can you help me look for it?” she says, batting her (maybe fake but who’s asking?) eyelashes, pouting her glossy lips and effecting the ‘I’m so lost please help me’ look. And he falls for it; bending down and looking for the ATM card on the dusty sidewalk (lose her ATM card- are you kidding- Naija babe with Naija sense, lose her ATM card? Na lie…) Anyway, chap has found the card (that she dropped on purpose) and hands it to her, beaming and smiling; his 68 teeth glinting in the sun and feeling like one big hero in the process. She giggles coyly and thanks him, introducing herself in the process. Somehow, she steers the conversation to the point where he actually gives her his number (mind you, he had no intention of doing so) and they part, with her promising to call him. BINGO- Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a Winner! What my guy doesn’t know is that my babe was silently scoping him as he was about to cross the street. She gauged the direction he was going- toward her, good- and then dropped her card just as he was about to pass her by and played the ‘I’m a Damsel in Distress Can You Help Me’ game to the best of her ability…and it worked! (Almost always works unless, like I said he really, really doesn’t like her or she is really, really…) She will then call him and he will call back and it will continue until he asks her out. One can use all sorts of methods like the ‘My shoe heel is stuck in this grate can you help me’; the ‘I don’t know how to access this website can you help me’; the ‘I don’t know where XYZ Street is can you help me’…as long as it has ‘can you help me’ at the end, you’re good to go…

2.) The ENCIRCLEMENT BY PROXY Strategy: This is a cousin to the Encirclement strategy employed by men except a little more subtle (you know we women know how to do the subtle thing when need be). The babe will gauge the guy’s sister/cousin and close friends and begin to associate with them, all the while feigning disinterest in the guy. With his sister/cousin she will be very nice and ask about him and be very effusive with her compliments (even if the guy got all the good looks and his sister/cousin got all the brains and looks like Shrek with a weave)- one down: his sister/cousin likes her and the coast is clear in that department- no female competition or harassment as his sister/cousin is now her Home Girl. Then she moves on to his friends: she will always say hi and be platonically nice (even if she thinks they are all one step above primordial ooze) and do her research to find out what they like (if it’s Arsenal then she will magically become a ‘Gunners’ fan even if she can’t stand football) and she will become an expert on it (even that bloody ‘Off Side’ thing which I still don’t understand…). They will then admit her into their circle slowly; after all, she’s one of the guys now, innit? Hah! Now she can slowly meander toward the guy she actually wants with the coast clear as his friends will in all likelihood never suspect a thing and even if they do…she’s one of the guys now, innit? He will be so impressed with her knowledge of all he likes (which in reality she hates) and proceed to ask her out.

3.) The VIXEN/FEMININE WILES School of Thought: This Babe will throw herself and all she can possibly offer the guy…with extra, sef. Unfortunately, this approach is closely tied to the Psychotic Femme Fatale Approach (discussed later) as she is on the edge constantly and all it takes for her to transform from Ms Jekyll to Ms Hyde is a slight nudge over the Cliff of ‘Hauke’. This babe will give her body, her money, heck even her soul just to get a piece of this guy. Now at the beginning, my guy doesn’t give her face, doesn’t have her time…she literally has to chase him, hunt him down. She will find out where he hangs out and how best to get within his sphere of rotation- then she pulls out the arsenal. She usually starts by being ultra seductive and sensuous around him (because that’s what makes you guys tick: hey, we can’t help it if you men are visual creatures and we cerebral…that’s just the way the cookie crumbles…so deal with it!). She will wear ultra tight, ultra low cut, ultra short and heave great sighs and do much hair twirling, eye batting and lip pursing around him. The poor guy doesn’t stand a chance there: he will be in her net before he can say ‘Cor Blimey’…then that’s where it starts to unravel. He will ask her out if only to sample all she has displayed. She will do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and she will be good at it. She will go the whole nine yards and cook for him (using her money and ingredients), sleep with him, clean up for and after him, turn a blind eye when he gives her nonsense and etc. Not too great.

4.) The EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL Approach: This one will use guilt and the ‘Great Tool’ of tears to get her way with my guy. Now a note of warning here: this does not work with all guys but trust my babe; she’s smart and she knows how to push this particular guy’s buttons. They start out as friends but she wants so much more so she goes for the Works. Typical example:
SHE: ‘I didn’t see you yesterday, what happened?’
HE: ‘Ah Ah…must we see everyday? I was busy…’
SHE: ‘I was just asking, I thought maybe something had happened to you and I was concerned’
HE: ‘Oh’ (said quietly and sheepishly) Silence…then sniffles. My babe has turned on the waterworks and a solitary tear runs down her cheek. My guy looks, baffled then instantly feeling guilty.
HE: ‘I’m sorry…please I’m sorry..I didn’t mean to make you cry…’ Haba…now the waterworks are gushing and my babe crying outwardly and smiling inwardly.
SHE: ‘I…I was only trying to…you didn’t have to be so mean…It seems you don’t want to see me so I’m going to my room now…bye’ She walks off…knowing full well what’s coming next…He calls out after her.
HE: ‘Uhm…I’ll check on you later, okay?’ BINGO- and we have yet another winner in the house! You see, she made my guy feel so guilty that he will try his best to make it up to her…by coming and checking on her later…and he will ask her out simply because he feels guilty.

5.) The PSYCHOTIC/FEMME FATALE Approach: You know the phrase ‘Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned’? Well, this babe is all that…and a bag of chips. Look chaps, stay clear of this type because when she freaks out…hooo boy, e no go betta for you. This one will buy gifts, write poetry and letters, bake cakes, burn CDs and sing for the guy. Then if he refuses her advances she will do all those things again…with some slight changes. She will buy gifts- and steal his room key and fill his room with the gifts; most likely teddy bears, perfume and clothes. She will write poetry and letters – all over the walls and ceiling in his house with black and red permanent marker. She will bake a cake- and put it in his room with a knife sticking out of it (‘Thin Line between Love and Hate’ anyone?). She will burn CDs- and leave them playing at full volume in his radio, the walls vibrating with the sound of Mariah Carey screaming “I can’t liiiiive…if living is without youuuuu…”. She will then stand in the middle of the room, after doing all these things and wait for him to come home so that when he does, she will burst into song… and proceed to chase him around with the knife she stuck in the cake. See, my guy will be so terrified that she will pull a ‘Fatal Attraction’ move on him that he will go out with her just to preserve his life!

So here it is, Ladies and Gents…did I miss anything? Or are we good to go? Please do let me know what you think.

7 COMMENTS

  1. LMBO!!! I am currently guilty of the "The ENCIRCLEMENT BY PROXY Strategy!" However, we have mutual friends so i've been "one of the guys" before my interest in him began!! Anywhoo, lovely article!!

  2. lol..funny stuff…

    the part that really cracked me up was the song part ' I can't liveeeeee, if living is without youuuuu' looool

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