I know a couple of men started muttering when they came across this topic: “what is up with Pamela and these kinds of topics?”. Yes, I know I have approached this topic from several tangents in different write ups -”men like wolves, small house problem etc”. But, I realized, that there is still a lot more I have to say about this. Maybe, this will be my last write up on this, who knows? Okay, maybe till I come across something that ticks me off. Last week, I got a chance to talk to a guy friend of mine who I had lost contact with in years, and he let it slip that he knows that his daddy was cheating on his mother. I remember being in shock at the blase way he mentioned it. I know African men cheating in most of their love/lust relationships isn’t a new thing but the tone that this was mentioned, made me realize that to many African men – CHEATING IS NOT A BIG DEAL! Having to deal with this onslaught of emotions, I decided that I need to discuss this with one of my Kenyan guy friends. I realized that these two rules seem to be quite true of our men:
a) African men WILL CHEAT.
b)There is a cultural expectation for these men to cheat, as there is a cultural expectation for African women to forgive them and take them back.
At first, I was in shock at this feedback, because I am being told that as women, I should not expect simple givens like trust and ‘fidelity in a truly ‘committed’ relationship. So, my question really, if the situation were the reverse, “should I expect my man to be blase about it?”. Yes, I can hear the chuckles of some of the men at that statement. We know men will not put up with a cheating partner. I would have taken this further and called for an open relationship but that is a topic for another day.
Let’s deal with the basic question: Why do African men cheat?
a) simple answer: because they can and they can get away with it.
b) complicated answer: because they want to explore something extra, greed, insecurity.
Now, back to the main topic at hand: how do you know your man is cheating?
a) He picks up an argument every time – nothing seems to please him. The main reason for this is because, he is looking for an opportunity to connect with his new, “connection with the classic line, I am so misunderstood aka she doesn’t understand me but you do”.
b) Erratic behavior
c) You come across condoms in his car, his wallet or you notice that there are missing condoms in the pack.
d) He suddenly becomes too nice. For example, if you have a miserly man and all of a sudden he starts buying you stuff like there is no tomorrow, he is doing that to assuage his guilt.
e) He doesn’t notice you in your sexy get up aka freakum dress.
f) He suddenly becomes experimental in the bedroom.
g) calls you by another woman’s name during that moment.
h) Spends all his spare time on the phone with a particular female friend.
i) Raises hypothetical questions like, “do you think it is possible to love more than one person at one time?”.
j) wants more sex
k) wants less sex or no sex
l) turns off his cell phone when he’s home or with you or goes outside to make his phone call.
m) charger problems/lost cell phone/lost charger – being the reason you can’t get a hold of him for days.
I will end by quoting an African man who states -”if he’s African,he’ll probably cheat” and if you are a virgin and you are dating an African man – he’s probably cheating.
By the way – men could we change the lines a bit, if I hear, I am so misunderstood one more time – I will literally scream. oh yes, emotional cheating is still cheating.
Of course, women if you know more signs – we will like to know.