Celibacy in the middle of a sexually active relationship

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From Jaguda:

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I’m a 25 year old man and I have been with my girlfriend now for about 2 years now, and I can comfortably say I love her. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman, and she treats me very well. She supports me, take care of me, we vibe very well, and have great sexual chemistry. We are both on the path of getting married in the next couple of years, and all seems to be going good.

Here is my problem. Recently I’ve had some kind of epiphany about going celibate. Not because I’m necessarily the most religious person in the world, or because the sex is boring, but I feel like I should take a personal challenge to be celibate for the next 6 months and possibly longer or till marriage. I’ve been too addicted to sex all my life that I feel like a lot of my relationships have been based initially on the sex before anything else, and I want to be sure that I can still love my girlfriend the same way without sex before I get married. I might be crazy but I don’t want to feel like I won’t love my [future] wife without sex. In other words, I want my relationship to be much more than just the sex. I have pretty much made my decision to go celibate but I’m not sure how to go about communicating this to her, and I’m scared of how she’ll take it. I joked about it once and the response I got was “abegooo… don’t try that rubbish.” She’s also a very sensual person and craves it as much as I do, so I know she might not buy into it initially, so my questions here are. How do I go about telling her? Do you think she’ll support me through it? Will she leave or worse cheat on me during that period? What do you think you’d do if your partner approached you with the same thing? I’m really concerned and would like to know what to expect before I embark on this.

If you’ve had a similar experience I’d love to hear about it, and those that haven’t I’d love to hear any words of advice.  Anything will help, no matter how blunt.

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25 COMMENTS

  1. Well, this is a tough one. I would explain it to her just as he explained it in his letter. Talk about his past sexual history and how it may have negatively hampered his relationships. Tell her this is a test for him to ensure the safety of his relationship with her. He needs to be willing to negotiate with her too on the timeline of this celibacy. I wish him the best.

  2. Congratulations! You would have been the 1st man, I would have known to go celibate on his own.

    How do I go about telling her?

    I would suggest just coming out with it. Don't beat around the bush, tell her exactly the way you did in this letter. It is sincere, honest and straight to the point. You are doing this for love and if she is true to herself and really loves you, you will align herself with your plan. It really isn't to much to ask for.

    Do you think she’ll support me through it?

    Again if she loves you, she will. Most times people do not like it but because of the love they have for someone they will do it (grudgingly at first). Honestly the worst she could do is say "No." If that is the case, there are plenty of other women out there looking for someone who wants to love them beyond the sexual. TRUST ME.

    Will she leave or worse cheat on me during that period?

    I believe that during this period you will begin to see things, you guys will begin to see other things that you may not have noticed before. As far as your question goes, even the must trustworthy person has betrayed a trust. Basically, only time will tell, I just hope you know her well enough to know when something is up.

    What do you think you'd do if your partner approached you with the same thing?/em>

    I have approached many with this and they couldn't handle it. To me, it was okay because I looked at it as a good thing; I wouldn't have to find out later that beyond the sexual and the physical there was absolutely nothing there. All anyone can do is be true to themselves and their plans.

  3. Wow Wow. This is just my situation. Except I am a woman. I have been feeling the same way, but i'm not sure how to seriously tell my boyfriend. I really want to practice celibacy but I feel that he may not take me seriously. It is something that has been weighing heavily on me. When I try to ask for advice most people will say that I have already been sexually active with him and now my wanting to be celibate is not fair to him.

    Well author, you are not alone in this issue. Hopefully your girl will understand. I am still coping with my own and hope to figure a solution or address this with my BF soon.

    Goodluck!

  4. Big ups to you on heading in this direction, but as a girl I'll tell you the first thing your girlfriend is going to think – that you've found someone else to do it with. It's a natural reaction, as it's pretty uncommon to find a guy who willingly wants to embrace celibacy. So just be prepared for it. And if she sticks around long enough to find out that you're not just kpanshing someone else and really want to do this for your own reasons…..well I guess y'all are meant to be then. Good luck sha oh, e no go easy! :^)

  5. i did this once and unfortunately he was insecure, so he was outraged and started shouting.

    i chastised him for failing to support my efforts to be true to myself for the benefit of his own bleeding ego. he apologized, and we were celibate for about a month. it was really nice.

    my point is to illustrate that even in the most extreme circumstance (i doubt she would respond the way he did), its your duty to be true to yourself.

    also, since the purpose is to find out if you guys are joined by substance, it should not matter if she leaves you or gets mad or whatever because its self-correcting—if she responds in a non-loving way, then youll know its not true love, and your experiment serves its purpose of saving you from a bad marriage.

    on the other hand, if she stands by you, youll be at the altar with warm cozy feet.

    V

  6. think about wat ur saying. can u yourself really commit to being celibate for who knows how long? i tried this once, but the sad thing is that I ended up giving in b4 he did. did he take me seriously about anything else from then on? hell naw. be sure ur commited b4 going to ur gal with this bro.

  7. Wow….i must commend u on ur choice to be celibate for a lil bit or till marriage…most men wouldnt be able to handle that, But like T.me said …..If she really loves u, she will support u.

    Basically the two of you are involved in this relationship, and before you take any drastic life changing decision you should both discuss it with eachother so that u can meet each other on a common ground and come up with something u both can deal with.

    Celibacy is a serious thing and especially for two pple who were highly sexually active…..

    Explain it to her like u did here…

    let her understand how much u love her and to what extent u intend taking this relationship because it is very important that she knows u are not doing this to be distant from her. I tried dat with my ex and he taught i was looking for a way to break up with him or cheat on him….(how dumb)

    If she really loves you and sees ur relationship beyond sex…she'll understand and support u. I tell u it will not be easy but You at the same time have to help her pull thru cos the human flesh is weak. And you have to be really patient with her cos times will come when she'll be frustrated and throw temper tantrums…..

    You have to be there for her then….assure her how much she means to u …gradually u both will pull thru together.

    On the other hand if she cannot handle it, then u know ur relationship was nothing more than sex…it is important a times to step out of the box, give up something u know is a big distraction and evaluate ur relationship….especially if u are looking to settle down soon….

    Finally and above everything else …put it in prayers……I hope u find sense in what we all have written here so far.

    Goodluck

  8. Man I tried the thing once for religious reasons, and the babe I was with at the time was not trying to hear any of it initially, and then she reluctantly agreed… but then she didn't make it easy with the extra touching at night and other moves… it's hard sha.

  9. Well I don't know how you should tell her, but i think the others suggestions are really nice; especially M-Belle. However, I am encouraged by your decision and man quite frankly I'm praying for you and that everything will work out just fine!! 1000 kudos!!

  10. U av a chat wt her bout it, but even if she says no, she might just be honest n its got nothin 2 do wt her lovin u or not, cos u've have given a serious tot 2 ur decision but u've just sprung ur decision on her frm nowhere n she might want 2 sayno so as not 2 look like a sex addict, but all d best dw.

  11. I am in dat situation n believe me, its not funny.It makes u feel like u re not good enuf.Its better u dont start it frm d b'ginning @ all dan start n stop midway. It also gives room 4 suspicion.

  12. I completely understand what you mean and I am at a crossroads with a similar decision myself. I think u r very right that sometimes ppl put the sex before the relationship or at the very least, the sex seems to blur our perceptions of a relationship. I think a conversation like that should start off with u telling her how much u love her and then go from there. If she is not having it though I think u may need to go back to the drawing board and decide which is more important to u–tryin her patience and running the risk of her gettin that physical stuff elsewhere, or worse–losing her. Or finding out whether u can live without sex til marriage. I guess that's what of comes down to–ur experiment vs. Ur woman. On the flip side, she may be willing to take that challenge with u. Boa sorte!

  13. awww…. u're sweet. Best to let her know EXACTLY why you're doing this. If you do not communicate this well enough, she will think you're rejecting her. Once you're married, she's no longer the girl you had sex with anytime you could. Life becomes routine with the occassional spice added. There is more of the tiredness and headaches – real, not imagined. Good on you bruv, for taking this step.

  14. I am a lil late but of you are still trynna figure out how to tell your GF, Send her this Link have her read this blog and the responses and that day when u get home you talk about it in better detail.

    I think her reading this and the comments to cushion the blow and have her be more receptive.

  15. My girlfriend just asked that we be celibate. This is bringing up surprising revelations about my potential need to dominate others. I have been feeling this strange feeling that my social standing relies on my ability to penetrate someone else. I have been over eating, argumentative, depressed, and whiny (inside at least). I am disgusted with my self. I truly desire to live an egalitarian life, free of a culture of domination. I bet meditation (and the end of finals week) would help.

  16. Am going through the same situation. My boyfriend and I live together, he decided to go celibate for six months. He has not given me a reason why, all he says is because he wants to be.we both have high sex drive and so am just confused. The worst part is I feel lonely, not just because of the sex, but he pays me no attention at all, I don’t get any ” I love you or not even a kiss on. the cheeks.. Worst of all he sleeps in the living room couch. I love him dearly but is very confused

  17. Hi, my boyfriend and I are contemplating going off sex till ”marriage”. I really do not know how to go about it or what to replace sex with. How do we keep the connection without sex? God help me!!!

  18. My boyfriend just told me he is gonna practice celibacy for the next 10 years. I didnt believe him at first, but no matter how many times I asked if he was joking he was serious. We had our whole lives planned out together. We was going to marry, have kids, move to where we wanted, get our degrees together & support each other through thick & thin. But now things have just changed. Just like that. Im devastated about it & he doesn’t seem to understand how much this is hurting me. Our relationship is not based on sex at all, but it’s human nature & it’s definitely a need. I’m a faithful person by nature, & I truly love this man more than anything. But it’s not what it used to be, I keep reminiscing & I miss what we had so much my chest is physically hurting. My advice is not to, but if you need to dont make it a long period of time. A few months is enough.

  19. beloved g. 1-22-2014 my boyfriend just surprised me on yesterday that we both need a “time-out”. @ 1st, i thought that he was breaking up with me. well, after talking with him some more between last night&this morning&then later on in the day, i realize that he may want to practice a”no-sex” relationship. he assures me that he loves me&that it’s not 2 be with some1 else. he told me that i am not free 2 date any1 else, so 2 me that means that we r still a couple. i truly love this man&i 2 have thought about becoming celibate off&on 4 years now. i visited this website 2 get some info&2 read others’ comments which were all helpful. thank u all& GOD BLESS!

  20. My girlfriend and I were sexually active for two years. We weren’t having intercourse, but we did everything else in the book. And then, for religious reasons, we both decided to remain celibate. We just talked about it. Hopefully you guys are close as close as we are, because it didn’t feel awkward at all really. We decided to quit cold turkey, and it has done wonders in our relationship with eachother and our individual relationships with God. I too intend on marrying this woman and now know for certain that I love her even without a sexual relationship. we still probably have another four years until marriate though. So the sex when we get married is going to be incredible after waiting so long. Hope this helps.

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