The Single Mother Trap!

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A couple of years ago, I went to visit a good friend of mine in his house. I met his girlfriend there and we got a talking. In the process, I found out that he had been going out with this lady for awhile, in retrospect that should have been my clue in, after all I am his close friend and I had never heard of this woman. After the lady had left, I sat down to have a personal one on one with my friend. Of course, the ever curious Pammy, had to talk about that lady. The conversation went like this:

Pammy (laughing happily) : “wow! I see the signs”

Male Friend: ” What signs?”. ” What are you on about now?”

Pammy: “she seems to be the one o!”. (At this point, I was already planning my traditional getup for his introduction ceremony).

Male friend (with a bemused look on his face): “the one for what?”

Pammy:”ah ah. Marriage. This is the first time I have ever seen you so serious about a woman in my life”

Male friend (laughing uproariously): ” Not in this life time, she is a single mother”.

Pammy (confused look on my face): “what does that have to do with anything? She isn’t with the father of her child so why is that an issue?. It is obvious you love this woman”.

Male friend (still laughing): “Please o! Don’t you know that you do not take on people’s problem. A single, young, successful man will never marry a single mother unless there is an extra incentive. It isn’t done unless he is off his knockers. You just use them to pass time till you are ready”.

Pamela at this point is pissed off and amazed at this kind of thinking. So, it is fine to f*** a single mother, and be in a quasi relationship with a single mother but you can never take this person seriously! Allow me to become Zimbabwean for two seconds as I say asi chi nha!

Now, I felt that this kind of mentality was just one for my friend who I had put under my “Pammy’s cuckoo list” but I happened to log into one of my favorite Zimbabwean forum sites and this topic was under discussion. The question really was, “why do Zim men want to date the single mother?” A lot of the response brought up were basically on the same line as my friend:

a) easy to sleep with.

b) no need for any form of commitment.

c)many do not expect any form of commitment from men.

Now, I am a bit concerned about this because it seems that many African men view these women in the same line as prostitutes. My question is, what makes these women so different that they cannot expect to receive or give love? Why must the rule be different for men and women when it comes to single parenthood? A man can have children with twenty different women and he is still looked at as a prime catch for any woman but women can’t do the same and be looked at in the light of being someone’s wife. This is a double standard that needs to be addressed.

So, as I often say, edumacate me……why won’t you take a single mother as a wife? For single mother’s, how have you found the dating scene?

*PS: Pamela isn’t a single mother. Pamela is anti double standards in relationships. Pamela is definitely against men who get women pregnant with no intention of marrying them and go chasing other women in their late teens and early twenties (you know who you are!). Oh yes, for those African women having sex with African men, be careful…it is very easy to become yesterday’s discarded newspaper if you get pregnant for him without a ring on that finger, so wrap it up, take those pills and everything in between. To be forewarned is to be forearmed!

29 COMMENTS

  1. Pam,

    I think you are off in your assertions that single fathers get the pass. I have had plenty conversations with woman saying the single dads are cool but they could never marry them because they want to go to parenthood together for the first time. And they don't want Baby mama drama.

    Both genders face this wahala because of the public stigma that comes with having a child out of wedlock. All I can say to those of you having sex … wrap it up … babies are cute when they come at the right time. If not they will be cute to you but they will signal a scarlet letter on you for the public. Is the pleasure worth the risk. Not only babies but the chance of HIV is there as well. The answer is normally no even if it is Haley … Actually never mind come Haley lets get down so you can have me a "millionaire" baby … This is a different topic for another day.

  2. i don't know about the whole single women thinking that mmen with kids are a catch idea, i for one would never date a guy who already has a kid or kids with another woman and i think most young African women would back me up on this. only African American women do that!

    • A lot of Jamaican women are very quilty of this…I don't know too many young african women, especially Nigerians that fall into this. Is like that Eldee song, Professional…you dey find daddy who you wan marry. We're obviously much too smart for this!

      I do not feel sorry for any person who get pregnant without any solid commitment in form of marriage, except you were molested and raped. You have no excuse, it took two people to form the child!

      The issue of divorced single mothers is another thing.

  3. Well I happen to be a single mother not by choice. My husband walked out on me and the kids because he did not want to deal with the responsibility of a family. Now that I look back at it, I should have given him his children. After all they all have his last name. I was 31 years old when it happened. I am now 37 and still single. I have tried dating again but I have found exactly what Pamela has described in her writing. I have been called arrogant; impatient because I refuse to keep on with the relationship when I eventually realize that I am being used to “pass time” My last relationship lasted 11 months. (longest since my husband and I divorced). I thought it was going somewhere only for me to find out that the man was indeed using me to pass time. To confirm what Pamela said, after he told me he did not want to inherit my family he offered for us to continue sleeping together. Like that is the best he felt I can get. Well least to say that was the last time I have spoken to him. In some cases these men have had children themselves and decide they want to remarry and start a “new” family with a lady that does not. I am not upset at people’s choices. It is your choice if you do not want to involve yourself with those of us that have children, however, were it is wrong is when you lie just for your own gain. We have feelings and want to be loved also. If you cannot provide that then just keep it moving. Yes, these are African men. I have decided to not involve myself with any African man going forward. I see single mothers with 1, 2 and even 5 children remarrying in the white and African American community with no problem, but not in our African community.

    • Most white and African American communities that remarry with no problem most times they both have kids…either they are old or there is a catch to it…. I think you would be better off looking for men in the same predicament. my uncle has kids and he is married to a woman with kids but i also know many african men with no kids that married women with a child…Trust me the issue of a single man or even a single woman marrying people with kids is a global stigma.. I believe u will find that out as u have started dating other cultures but Africans..

  4. Everyone has a right to date whomever they want…but if you are not into dating people with children? You shouldnt be into having sex with them either…they are a package deal.

  5. good point revvie, because I trust if the women knew that you were just having sex with them to pass time, they would not just have sex with you period! Single mothers have feelings and are not just sex objects. How sad.

  6. You will be surprised at what some of our Nigerian women are doing and thinking in the diaspora!! Men STOP IT…. JUST SAY NO!!!

  7. I read this article and while I’m not a single mother and can’t relate to single mothers I do want to acknowledge that this article relates to all men and not just Zimbabweans. The forum site “why do Zim men want to date the single mother” also relates to the male species in general. The bottom line: most man and woman if they had it their way would not want to marry anyone that has children. Why? Because no one wants to deal with anyone’s baby mama/daddy drama. Everyone’s reason for ending up a single mother is different BUT if it can be avoided, WRAP IT UP and stop having babies till he puts a ring on it and you are Mrs. XYZ. This article does not need to be title the single mother trap, because truth be told… Some women used the same “trap” to try to keep a man and it didn’t work the way they would have wanted it to. To those woman I say, you reap what you sow and to the woman that ended up in this situation because of the loss of a spouse or divorce, I say the God who see’s ALL has a plan and a good man for you, and if he really loves you.. your single mother status will not mean anything at all.

    • Does not surprise me! Mscheeeew. Shallow minded man! God does not like ugly! What goes around comes around! He should not forget that he has women in his family too! Anyone that can do that to another human being should not be calling themselves human!

  8. The answer to this is very easy, first nobody wants other people baggage, a woman — or even a men, because I agree with the fact that many women don’t date men with children — means dealing with too many issues that women chidless young women don’t have. Second, becoming a mother while being single says the kind of woman that she is. If the woman became a single mother by choice usually means or that she has some issues with men/negative mentality against men or she feels that men are optional or that she doesn’t value men therefore a men wouldn’t ever think about anything serious with a woman like that and they just play with them. It is very difficult that a woman who is good marriage material and has values about a relationship will get pregnant while being single, and men know that and that is the kind of women men want for marrieage, Now men do have double standards for women because they want to play around with these women until they found a “marriage amterial girl” but then they want their woman to be a saint which is totally wrong. But I think that women have a lot of responsability in this attitude because if women would stop being so easy to go to bed with men then men would have no option but to be more serious on all their relationships.

    • i really would like to slap you for some of the stuff u said. but u do say a few sensible things. we, as women, need to stop being so easy in oder to make the game alot harder for the men. u know, give them something to actually work for. and we all know that a baby is not exactly a man-magnet. but don't condemn these women, bro. we ALL makes mistakes, no one's an exception. and u have to give these single mothers credit for even keeping their kids and choosing to grow up and be responsible for their actions. they develop qualities that i think would be appealing to men. what man doesn't want an independent, responsible, and mature woman to take as a wife. plus she knows how to care for her kids and run a stable house? wonder woman. and who's to say she aint just using u? u may not be man enough to handle her and her child. she needs a strong, protective, and capable man, not some chump who runs away from a toddler.

  9. This is what makes women to do abortion upon abortion. Then when they finally get married to start things "new" they cannot conceive. Nonsense!

    • this is NOT wat makes women get abortions! that's crazy. there are plenty more legit reasons, but to say that u got rid of another life inside you because u still want to be desirable in the eyes of ignorant men is just plain stupid.

      • its stupid but its very true. some women do get abortions to look more desirable because of the stigma attached to single parenthood. I'm a guy and I don't find anything wrong in dating a single mother as long as she is responsible and is raising her kid up responsibly. I even kudos to them cos they chose to keep the kid. Too many girls are out there, that have aborted their kids but of course we'll never know that. Almost everyone has sex and from time to time, everyone does it carelessly especially if its with someone you're in a serious relationship with. I hope people realise that having a child doesn't automatically turn a woman into a ho. I know some single mothers that got pregnant with the first or second guy they've ever been with and I've actually found some of them to be very mature and independent as someone said earlier. Worse single "no child" women are out there, many ppl just know how to hide, some with multiple abortions

        • "Oh yes, for those African women having sex with African men, be careful…it is very easy to become yesterday’s discarded newspaper if you get pregnant for him without a ring on that finger, so wrap it up, take those pills and everything in between. To be forewarned is to be forearmed!"

          All, I know is single parenthood in the Nigerian community is not a good thing. I will tell you this honestly, there are Nigerian men that date single women for sexing sake but they don't think of them as marriage material. It is what it is. I really don't know why some people want me to butter this statement up. Of course, there are a FEW (0.001%) Nigerian men who date these women with the intention of dating them but way too many frogs in the river…but sha…God dey no be so.

          Abortions: I have never had one. I do not ever intend to have one. But, then you are dealing with Pamela who checks everything seven times before she does anything. So on Abortions I don't know what to say about that – it is ultimately your decision.

        • Oh yes, for those African women having sex with African men, be careful…it is very easy to become yesterday’s discarded newspaper if you get pregnant for him without a ring on that finger, so wrap it up, take those pills and everything in between. To be forewarned is to be forearmed!"

          All, I know is single parenthood in the Nigerian community is not a good thing. I will tell you this honestly, there are Nigerian men that date single mothers for sexing sake but they don't think of them as marriage material. It is what it is. I really don't know why some people want me to butter this statement up. Of course, there are a FEW (0.001%) Nigerian men who date these women with the intention of marrying them eventually but way too many frogs in the river…but sha…God dey no be so.

          Abortions: I have never had one. I do not ever intend to have one. But, then you are dealing with Pamela who checks everything seven times before she does anything. So on Abortions I don't know what to say about that – it is ultimately your decision.

  10. Sounds like Pamela is the girl that sleeps with these African Men for gain and gets pissed off when they see she is an empty selfish husband snatcher that she is, yes you know who you are.

  11. Man child – are you one of those single mothers that have been used and discarded like yesterday's news? Simple writing there – keep your legs closed or use a condom end of story because when it comes to sex – the woman looses the most.

    IF (being the operative word) she is an empty selfish husband snatcher – at least SHE is doing it to herself, and doing for herself alone and IF she decides that SHE wants to change her ways and become a good African girl – SHE will be getting married with no liabilities. Can you say the same???

  12. The answer to why single fathers finds it easier is not far fetched. This has to do with gender issue. In one of the recent workshops which i attended organised by Abia min. of youth in collaboration with UNICEF, gender was defined as ‘the role assigned to both male and female sex by the society’. In other words, in many societies of the world today, it is the exclusive role of the male to pay dowry of the female. As such, the male pulls the female from her biological to home his biological home to make thier own new home, except in India where they say the reverse is the case.
    Here the male has a permanent base should problem engulf the marriage, while the female dont. He can decide to take more wifes in the same home, while the female can never bring another male in the home for such purpose not for a second.
    Children born by the man from different woman could easily be coordinated if they decide to follow the man,though women care more. Yet a woman in such situation will only find her eggs scattered here and there.
    This is so bcos society made it such that children are pro father by nomenclature than mother. However, to reverse the trend, society must reassign the roles so that in worst situation women could easily send thier husbands packing-with laughter.
    The real situation here is that men should learn to make more sacrificies bcos i understand, that’s what marriage is all about while the women should learn how to adjust. You dont get 100% what is needed in an ideal relationship. But with adjustment and sacrificies it looks as if everything is there. SHALLOM!

  13. Such a judgemental article and so are many of the comments…damn shame really…if you`re not a single mother then don`t write about them…you`re groping in the dark for stuff you`ll never understand unless you`ve lived it.

  14. This article is very bizarre: why is there the idea that being the single mother is the problem. I know plenty of 30 to 40something year old women who are single, childless and STILL looking for a good man. Perhaps the issue is that men are finding it hard to deal with the modern woman and many modern women are looking for men who don`t exist! I don`t think being a single mama has anything to do with it.

  15. okay o!! Just be careful, so he does not use you and play ball. The single mother is not the first woman that African, most especially, west African men choose to marry. This does not mean that the single mother does not get married, only that she has a harder time compared to less encumbered women.

    Just for your information: the writer of the article is in an extremelyhappy relationship. She isn't looking for anyone.

  16. I pray being a single mother does not reduce her chances of getting married. I suspect I’ll be getting married to one someday

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