Marriage No Be By Force

22
...
...

So I’m sitting on the MARTA train on the way back from the airport watching a gay couple kiss, giggle, and in general just be lovers (don’t ask… they were in my face) and one thing that came to my mind was the whole fight for gays to be able to get married. The heated debate comes up every now and then about how gay couples should be able to get married. It seems like once they are able to get married they’ll be happy… Or will they?

At my age, I’m at the point where everyone is looking at me like… How far with wife now? My aunties are hooking me up left, right and center with so so and so’s daughter and everyone is encouraging me to go to one wedding or another… One convention after another. All my unmarried mates both male and female seem to talk about marriage 60 percent of the time. We all discuss how we can’t find the right one… All we want is the babe to be like this… All we want is a good naija guy… Why are naija babes so this? Why are naija guys so that? The feeling I get a lot is that once we find that “good enough” (no one looks for perfect anymore) mate, then we’ll be happy and marry, have kids and join the Mr and Mrs club. Life will be all good right?

The other day I had a very deep conversation with my mom about the difficulties in marriage and how it’s important to look for potential pot holes before you enter… Family background, attitude, finances and the likes. After debating back and forth, she ended the conversation with “anyways at the end of the day, marriage is God’s help and luck.” Now I’ve heard that before, but coming from my Momsy after she had narrated stories of uncle this, and aunty that and the problems they had in their marriages, that statement hit home. “Marriage is God’s help & Luck” doesn’t sound very encouraging to me.

I started thinking… This uncle has this wahala, and this one has that wahala. Combined with the marriages I’ve seen crash within the first year, and the 50 percent divorce rate, we’re not looking at very good odds. For us Nigerians that like to feel like our culture is different, and we don’t do divorce… News flash… We might not have as high a divorce rate as yankee, but we make up for it in “separations”… That’s what the stats don’t cover. Or we stay in unhappy marriages just to keep family, in laws and the community happy.
The burning question remains, why are a lot of people so in a hurry to get married when we’re looking at a 50 percent success rate at best and on a decent day we’re looking at 35 percent? It’s like saying I want to getting into something with my fingers crossed… Kinda like a gamble. I’m not a big gambler but I’m sure 1/2 are not very good odds. I’m sure if CDC said u have a 50 percent chance of catching of getting swine flu if u go to El Paso,TX not many of us will dream of going there in the next 2 years.

These days it’s scarier cos I see a good number of people who shop for husbands and/or wives like they are shopping at Walmart. Pick this one and go. I see friends that get married after 6 months of knowing their partner. Some after 9 months… I mean I know there’s no real time schedule for these things, but we’ve got to be careful. I am not married or on the way to it, but I honestly pray no kind of love will make me want to marry sharp sharp. I know a lot of people my age especially girls, feel like they’re running out of time, but believe me it’s better to marry late than marry early and be the divorced person with a kid or two at age 29. Not a very good look.

When it’s all said and done, I’ve concluded that marriage no be by force. If it happens the way God wants it to happen then all good, but if not then life continues till it happens.

Topic is open for discussion. I’ve said my own… Make I hear wetin people wan talk. I just had to say something about what I’ve been noticing recently sha.

22 COMMENTS

  1. It works differently for us all cos God did not create us all the same way. Some people find love easily and some don't but that doesnt stop the world from moving round.

    It is important to put God first in this marriage thingy cos it can be tricky. And the fact that people meet and marry under 6 months doesnt mean thet will/won't behappy.

    Never rush into marriage and at the same do not close your eyes to good people that may just be floating around you.

    I think i made little sense.

  2. I totally agree. I like the comment marrying late than early divorced with kids. I think people just want to get married because thats how it is or how its suppose to, or because everyone wants you to do it.

    Good point aribaba.

    • Quick suggestion: Neglect all the fun u think u'll have being single or all the risk u think u r taking getting marriaged and re-evaluate y it is impt to be married. Then u'll understand y ppl wanna get married.

  3. i am in agreement oh!

    It seems like all i hear nowadays is that M word.

    Like it is a bed of roses, life will be all rosy and dainty after marriage.

    i will be sharing the rest of my life with someone else. That aint easy and is most definitely no joke.

    Society has brainwashed us into thinking that getting marriage is the true success of life. You have finally made it. Haa… if it happens, it happens, if not, well life goes on

    Good one

  4. Well, you hit home when you mentioned that marriage is a thing of luck. I mean you be bobo now, you don meet chick wey you gbadu well well but the chick ways and doings no be am and, in other cases, u don meet chick wey just dey dia but she get correct head on her shoulders. which one man go pick??

    But one thing is for sure, as you get to a certain age, your body longs for companionship. Its just a natural feeling for the body. The older we get, the more intense the need have a partner is. Now, you said if you where asked to go to el Paso, where there is a 50% chance that you'll contact H1N1, we wouldnt go but if there was a possibility that we'd find happyness, peace and bliss there i betcha some ppl will make that trip.

    My point is, its not easy to get married, but in marriage you have to evaluate all the concerns – as ur mum listed, and then go for it if it sits well witcha. You snooze, you lose – so it doesnt matter how long you've known each other, if there is transperency and openness in a relationship it can pave way to a wonderful nuptial life.

    donTMC…i'm out.

  5. I also believe that the divorce rate is really high. Like I’ve told my parents, I have no intention of getting married any time soon. I don’t want to become part of the statistics of divorce. What’s wrong with waiting to get married? Naija parents make it seem as if it is a crime to get married after 28. But they are also the ones who discourage divorce. So in the end you can’t win trying to please any of them. Don’t get married until you and your spouse are ready because when you get married, you are the ones who have to bare all the problems and difficulties. One problem I do know that cause the high divorce rate is that people do not know how to compromise. Everyone is so intent on having a vision and when their marriage do not live up to what they expect they are ready to leave. If that’s the case, DON’T GET MARRIED. When you get married it becomes US not you and I. But, I’m not losing hope because I still want to eventually get married even if it means I wait until I’m 30. This is my life and I’m going to live it the way I want.

    • So what are you saying exactly?? the older you are the less likely u'd get a divorce?? That is really asinine…

      You should aim to get married at a younger age…Bilble says "Blessed art the children of your youth". So if u think getting married at 30 is the best way to assure that u dont get divorced then u are making a grave mistake. At 30 (30+) guess what? You'd seem desperate and guess what, there is a greater % chance that guys would take advantage of you…

      Thats my 2 kobo

  6. My mom didn't get married till she was 29. And her parents were okay with it. I'm glad she's carried this same attitude to us. When,wait, IF I do it, I want it to be forever.

  7. I don’t think it’s really about the age, I think it’s about being mature but as u get older u get more mature because of your experiences (doesn’t apply to everyone). That said sha, I think I’ll get married when I’m ready to be truly committed to the other person’s well being and stop being so ‘me me me’.

  8. This is interesting. It's getting to the stage where I feel like I'm constantly being asked for when I will marry and all that. It's actually getting on my nerves. I once told my mom, that I could hurry up and marry and come back to your house after 2 years.

  9. Well, I am 26 and I must say it is getting on my nerves the way my parents are slowly pressuring me into bringing a boyfriend home or a HUSBAND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    When I was 16 guess what, all I heard was …. " hmm, ti mo ba ri okunrin kon kon ni bi yi …. !!!!! A rin ran wo !!!! You must finish your university !!!!!!!! unfortunately, I finished my UNI- VER- SITYYYYYY at 25 !

    Now, I am being hurried up !!!! It is a bit of shock to me, the way I am suddenly encouraged especially because my younger sister got married before me, plus my younger brother has a baby on the way and I am the eldest !!!! Yepa !

    I almost started dating some guys just to show …..yeah yeah yeah I am dating someone ! but I thought NO ! At the end of the day, they won't be in the marriage when I don't find my partner attractive or "like" him anymore ! I find that very scary….. so I choose to wait for the right person, I personally don't care for how long, I prefer to have bliss for the rest of my life than to hurry and have pain for the rest of my dayzzzzz

  10. i agree with ur momsie in the sense that she's trying to explain that u cant do marriage on ur own. people divorce b/c they dont understand marriage to begin with. there's nuthin wrong with gettin married at any age. n there's wisdom in the ways of our people. ur gonna be having sex anyway, going to be struggling anyway, etc. but at least if u're doing it with someone else. despite the ups and downs, in ur old age u have something to show for it. ure not always going to be happy in any relationship. u wont always get along with ur parents or ur friends etc. so y is it that people expect that they will always be happy in their marriage. it doesnt work that way. but the truth is that if u have God and u make him the center of ur relationship u can weather all the storms. people just surrender too easy nowadays, no one wants to work or fight for anything anymore. and as for those "unhappy" people who stayed in their marriages, u have to respect them. bc the realized that their life wasn't just about them. it wasn't about "i dont feel happy" etc. because they were living for those they loved. its selfish to live life based on ur happiness level. if that was the case, y have kids? y do anything that could benefit anyone other than urself?

  11. don't marry because you think age is on your side or ur family and friends and even co-workers are pressuring you to marry. just remember that marriage is not a joke and those people will not spend the rest of their lives with you in ur matrimonial home. if any thing goes bad, some will only console you and other will talk nonsense behind your back.

    • So what should a woman that is staring at 40 do? she should stay single while she waits and hopes the right man will come? Abegi! At that age she should marry if she feels the person is the right one. The truth is we don't know who is the "right" one until we venture in. That is why traditional vows contains "for better for worse". So there is no magic formula that tells you that this person is the right person. it is all a chance. The truth is we do not know what goes on in peoples marriges. We just assume that they are "happy" because they are still married or we see "happy" pictures on FB.

      • Abi o. At dat age, na like supermarket checkout +hearing the "closing in 15mins" announcement – then u gats to pick smthg to cook quick b4 u go home & starve.

  12. I feel you jere, but try singing that title(marrriage no be by force) in your defence when asked why you are still single and you'll almost have a torrent of words flung into your face like pepper:)

    The best way is to take your time and make everyone 'pray' along afterall Gods time is the best:))

  13. im in total support marriage isnt by force nd its high time nigerian girls who think that it is d key to dir ever lasting happiness wake up from dir sleep.

    nd i think its time also 4 nigerian girls to rise above d age factor,nd ve some fun, life is short nd u can only live it once.

    • who told u that nigerian girls are all rushing to get married? maybe that's how it is for those born and raised there. but for girls like me, born and raised in the states, i don't believe that most of us are in any rush. we see those older than us with their superficial marriages and we hear the gossip. it's not all its cracked up to be and we know it. so we are cool with taking our time to find mr.right (or mr. close enough–lol). i do understand most girls' fears of getting too old before they marry, but think about it…with age comes maturity, financial independence, security for oneself–all these are good tools (for lack of a better word) to have when jumping into a marriage. you'll be fully prepared by the time u say "i do" and i have a feeling that marraige will be a hell of alot easier.

  14. I totally agree wit u,d way girls r rushin into marriage these days is really scary. But we all no how it is,rush in,rush out.

    • the way GIRLS are rushing into marriage? if i am not mistaken, they had to get married to a man, rite? so lets not forget about the young men out there looking for love too soon. of course, its not too often that you'll see a man anxious to leave his bachelor life behind, but let's be real, there are a couple of them out there.

  15. Well, my thot is that marriage is a conscious descision to ‘walk’ the rest of the journey with the other (person). Also, ‘love’ is birthed at the onset of a relationship and grows proportional to how much we nuture it. Why i say, good marriages don’t just happen, they are consciously nutured.

LEAVE A REPLY