What Do I Do? I Married The Wrong Man

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I met this wonderful guy in 2007, fell in love with him and we started dating immediately. He was 39 and I was 29.We were so into eachother,but the only problem was that he had a kid from a previous marriage and was scared of remarrying cos his ex wife had betrayed him. I loved him so much but at the same time, I wanted to get married cos age was not on my side.

Exactly a year into our relationship, I met someone else and decided to get married to the new guy. I am now 9 months into my marriage but I can’t get my ex out of my head. We still exchange emails, text messages and even phone calls. I love him so much that just thinking about him makes me cry.

My husband is the most lousy person in bed. He cant even move his waist. I sometimes wish I just stayed with my ex cos no man has ever made love to me like him. We flow in bed, we can talk for 30 days non stop if we were left alone, we can laugh over the most senseless things together. My hubby on the other hand is a total swegbe.

Is marriage really important? Why cant we just be with the one we truly love without the issue of marriage coming in? I need answers, somebody please answer me. I’m confused.

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35 COMMENTS

  1. i don't believe in divorce unless there is infidelity or abuse… but the fact that ur husband cant satisfy you, is definitely abuse.. i see no reason why you should be in an unhappy marriage! i say leave ur husband and continue the relationship that makes you happy.. now a lot of people will disagree but i would rather die old with someone i love than die young because of an unhappy marriage!!

  2. Nice Anon, I think you're being unfair to the woman. There is a lot of pressure on women to marry. Any and every Nigerian woman approaching her thirties is aware of the constant scrutiny and disapproval she receives from family and society at large. No matter how much education and success a woman has it never seems enough if she is still single. In the world's eyes, Oprah will always in some way be lacking for this reason. And it's too bad.

    On the other hand, it is quite different for a man. This is not to excuse her for rushing into the marriage, but to allow you to think about the question she poses about being in a relationship without the pressure of marriage.

    It is undoubtedly unfair for this woman to put this man through this as well. Marriage counseling may help, from a pastor, priest, or counselor. Being vocal about her needs in bed may help with the sexual intimacy, or at the very least, maybe she needs to rent him some videos so he can learn from the pros. If emotional and physical intimacy are not aligned after such actions, then my final word would be a trial separation before a divorce. No sense in keeping two unhappy and incompatible people together and raising children such a home.

    • Haba na! How am I being unfair to her? Didn't she shag the man before marrying him? Her ex wasn't ready to jump into another marriage which is understandable because he was hurt in the previous one. Why marry someone when you're still in love with someone else? She should have chilled for a bit. The pressure is always going to be there and she shouldn't have married the next available guy. Now wetin she wan make we tell am? Go ahead and be with your ex? Seems her whole tori is leaning towards that. But like you said if all else fails then do the trial separation thing. But then is the ex willing to have her now then?

  3. Patience is a virtue. At the same time, no point crying over split milk. You are in the marriage now.. Just try to make it work.

    Marriage is meant to be a beautiful thing and always worth the patience and deep consideration and reconsideration.

  4. leave ur husband and go with who u truly love…life is too short to be unhappy….besides if he no be good in bed that is strait torture…..

  5. Please tell us the real story…which of the guys makes more ego/owo/kudi?..this story no complete!!! You are telling us the part that will please the viewers in the bleachers make us sympathize with you.

    fess up!!

  6. Didn't she know he was lousy in bed before she married him? I understand people put up a front sometimes but how can someone front in the bedroom. At 29, she should have been able to know if they were sexually compatible or not.

    She will be alright. Its only been a year of marriage and it doesn't look like they dated as long as her and her ex did. Her feelings are very natural and many people experience the same thing when they are seeing someone new. One year is not enough to determine if she should leave or not; nobody told her marriage was easy. For the mean time, get a dildo to satisfy yourself while you teach him what you like (in and out of bed) and hopefully, he is open minded enough to learn. Goodluck

  7. This is logical thinking…if she were sleeping with the 39-yr old without being married to him and knowing fully well he wasn't ready to commit, she obviously must have slept with her now husband before marrying him. So my question is did she not know then that he could not perform?

    And please 29? you feel u are under pressure? come on now….there are ladies who are hitting their 40s and are still single waiting to do it right.

    I am not bashing her but if she feels she is old at 29 she certainly wasn't that wise…SEX is not what makes a marriage..she only states the lousy thing about her husband is his lovemaking skills…teach him my friend! That is not enoff reason to run to ur ex…who knows if the ex is a wife beater….marry him and then u wld be worse off than u were in the first place. Be smart and pray for wisdom! Divorce should not be an option.

  8. my dear sister,i sympathize wit u bcos u are a victim of circumstance well,u made a big mistake by dating the first man,bcos GOD himself hate divorce and u cannot play wit GOD,and also u prove the first man right who said he does not want to marry bcos of betrayal by sending text,calling me despite d fact dat u are married,my advice 4 u is to see urself in ur husband 's shoe how will u feel,just ask God to forgive u 4 commiting adultery ask 4 his grace n mercy and u will never remeber ur sin partner again,avoid idleness,make good friends n try 2 get choked up wit constructive activities,discuss dis issue wit ur hubby,try as much as possible 2 luv him,discuss ur problems n issue wit him.dont leave d marriage 2 avoid God's wrath ,remeber marriage is a vow n if u break u will be cursed n u'll regret it,i know dis very difficult but by his grace u'll get passed it successful,pls adhere 2 my advice so dat u'll not spend ur live in regret even everlasting regret bcos man's live is short

  9. Poor thing.

    Love is a beautiful thing,when u find it,take a hold of it and never let it go.

    It's a shame,you let your own true love go cos of the pressure of marriage.

    The truth is,you have taken vows which can only be broken on d grounds of adultery. My advice to you would be to seek counsel from a trusted and reliable person like ur pastor or parents.Someone older who would be able to give u wise and godly counsel.

    Marriage is not a bed of roses but u must be determined to make it work.The first step to making it work,would be to cut off completely from ur ex cos I see adultery knocking on ur door if u keep having contact with him.

    You also need 2 give ur life 2 christ if u havent. The holyspirit will help u.

    God bless u

  10. Some of you completely missed the point. This is her question "Why cant we just be with the one we truly love without the issue of marriage coming in?"

    Discuss.

  11. Marriage is important when two people love each other and want to commit to each other. You should never let society dictate the terms under which you get married though… getting married because you were 29 instead of because you were in love wasn't such a smart thing but that's water under the bridge. You need to work on making your marriage work and get rid of the idea you have of your ex, the keyword here is ex meaning former. Move on, go to marriage counseling if need be, and do the honorable thing!

  12. I Think for starter u went into the marraige thinking u were matured enough but from the looks of things ur age doesn't mean u were not old enough for the marraige physcologically i hope i got this spelling right…..any ways u need to grow up and face what u are into presently cuz dat surposed ex might not feel the same way for u………………………….

  13. The story of my life – Well the only thing I can say is this is the main reason for monogamous relationships. Most people fight it and surpress it on a daily basis –

    To a large extent some societies and ppl have evolved relationships that are devoid of deceit and if ur are lucky to find such a wo/man, you could still live both in worlds (this would be exciting). Time heals all, before long you will forget and move on.

  14. The poster's question at the end does not appear to accord with her topic and her story, thereby creating confusion. See, her topic provides that she needs advice because she married the wrong person, her story she intimates how she married a guy who she does not connect with while still communicating with an ex who is 10 years older and is both sexually and verbally compatible with her; therefore, a natural final question should reasonably relate to her topic and story. Instead the question at the end of her story is whether "marriage is important.; why can't we be with the one we love without the issue of marriage coming in?" So, does she mean that why can't she divorce her current husband and be in a relationship with her ex without marrying him, or does she mean that she felt compelled to marry her present husband because she was aging, and that she should have dated instead of marrying him? My first question is more reasonable because she stated she loved him; she did not, on the other hand, state that she loved her current husband, so she was unlikely directing her final question at him. Either way, the poster is apparently confused by posting a story that appears fabricated at its least.

  15. Ok, so this chic needs some advice and NOT people to point out her mistakes. Nobody is perfect!

    My dear sister, my advice to you is to buy your husband some porno flicks or subscription….(maybe as a birthday gift or something) so he can learn cos it seems like your biggest problems is his sexual performance… and thats very very understandable. And then pray that God strengthens your marriage. I also advice that you try to stop associating with ur Ex-boyfriend to make this work cos he is a distraction to your marriage.

    Good luck!

  16. My Dear, I am Single so pass me the guy you dumped!!! Greedy… Greedy!!!

    Shebi u wan marry oya siddon 4 ur husband house you hear? Advice indeed. This is what happens to typical desperate 9ja babes! When you were sewing aseobi and making noise about oyur wedding, you didn’t know hubby couldn’t f… now you wan commit adult – tree abi? You just try it! After all, you are an adult! The consequences will catch up with you. Sigh……………

  17. it's sad….we marry for the wrong reasons….that's why they say follow your heart and lean on God to help u make the decision! u are married now, u need to learn to love your husband as he is….finding his faults won't make it easier so u need to learn to celebrate his strengths! u married him & you took the vow, so it's till death do us part….

  18. my dear, if he is not satisfying in the bedroom you can teach him, there is no rule that says a man has to do all the f**king in the bedroom. Its a two-way thing. As for the boringness, get to know him a little more and get to know what he likes and try to join him in doing it. If its playing video games join him and forget about your ex, you made you decision and even went as far as taking those vows so forget him cos if you keep comparing him with your hubby you wont move forward. Try to make it work and grow since your in it. Good luck.

  19. Right, my opinion goes thus:

    You married quick becuase you thought you were getting too old to stay unmarried. I believe you need to let go of the past, your ex is a part of your past. I think you want to eat your cake and still have it in your hands ! that is not going to work , my dear. It is either one or the other. As per your husband, being a swegbe I think you need to speak to him about the issue, find and visit a highly recommended marriage counsellor to help solve this problem if this is required.

    My advise is cut off the links to your ex, ask yourself this question – is he contributing to my overall objective in life or is he making it fall apart ? WAKE UP !!!! From what I can see he didn't want to get married & you wanted to and if you had managed to get him to , what is the guarantee that he won't change after the "marriage"? I think things were very cool with him because there were no strings attached, and he knew he didn't have to marry you plus he could sleep with you as much as he likes!

    Something I noticed as well was that you never mentioned if this ex truly liked you ………. hmm…anyway, whatever you feed your mind with, will drive your actions. Stop feeding your mind with your ex and your life/thoughts will be less complicated. Don't ruin your life with emotional decisions! The truth is if you allow yourself to get carried away, you may end up like him ! As for your husband, I think because you are comparing him to your ex, he sort of lost value in your eyes. You must have seen something in him to marry him!

    Think with me: your ex didn't want to marry you cos the was betrayed, he probably hasn't moved on ! someone who has is mostly likely not to have a problem with remarrying if that is his/her dream, and how sure are you he is not comparing you to his ex wife in bed ?

    As for the importance of marriage, it is the only institution God validates/ encourages sex, anything outside of this is immoral. This is my conviction.

    Don't be a loser ! Use your God given intelligence and not emotions to dictate the direction of your life !!!!! Emotional decisons never last long !

  20. hey lady, the truth about dis matter is dat you are already married and you did it to yourslef. so wifes submits yourslefs to your husbands and be loyal to him even if the love is not flowing cos you hv been ordained to be together forever so therefore the earlier you start to reailize the better for you. pls read the bible passage from the book of EPHESIANS 5:22-25

    WIFES, SUBMIT YOURSELFS TO YOUR HUSBANDS………

    HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES……….

    GOD bless you as you seek solution and i wish you all the best in ur marriage life…peace…one love

    • dude on most posts u have commented on ..u have some back-ass-ward things to say. u shud just shut up…………….seriously! some people need help on how to think! …………i guess there's no going back for u since u obviously need help with that………………….(sad shake of the head)

      • I totally with you ùr an asshole`….the captain over there is a depraved lunatic if his comments are anything to go by…living in the dark ages man!

  21. hey dearie the thing is u left ur ex for a reason right?.he cudnt commit ……………..the truth is he let you go, if he really wanted you that bad he wouldnt have let marriage stop him or that means he has some baggage……………………the truth is that u love him and u r comparing him to ur current partner which is unfair to ur new partner……………….nobody is perfect yes! you should verbalize your feelings to this new man, tell him how you want to be pleased in bed, tell him what you want and how you feel because the truth is that he is no mind reader and u have to get over the frustration that communication with him is not as easy as it might have been with commitment phobia ex………………dont consider leaving him for ur ex, if you leave let it be because it was a mistake………..the truth is that ex didnt fight for u or else you would be married to him now. try and work harder at it! and if u have worked harder at it and tried every option out there…………………………………………………….you know what to do……………………we have one life to live and spending yours lying to urself when u yearn for another is unfair to both u and ur hubby…………………………………………………………………………………the final decision is yours' to make but try and think about this in a sort of detached mode so everything is clear so you dont end up making a mistake or being unfair to the parties involved…………..but the most important thing is for you to be happy but sometimes happiness takes hardwork…………………………………work baby! and i wish u luck and Gods' strength. mwah!

  22. No, marriage is not a compulsion. However, people enter into it as a sign of committment to the other person they have consciously chosen to 'walk' the rest of the journey with side-by-side as friends.

    One can't have married the 'wrong' person simply because there really ain't a 'right' person; just like great relationships don't happen by chance. We consciously nuture the relationship to what we want and in the process, our partners become more 'the right person' as time goes by.

    "… is the most lousy person in bed." is not the true measure of the 'rightness' of one's partner.

  23. "most lousy in bed" is not an excuse. Did you not know that b4 marrying him? Yet you still went for it. My friend, what's done is done, so sharrap & chop it.

    The grass is always greener on the other side – what makes u think #1 would marry u today? He is only flirting away b/c its so safe for him; he knows u r married, so no pressure for him.

  24. omo i just want to ask u some questions, do u married this ur busband becos of sex? why cant u just consider the other part of him, is there no ways ur husband was better than ur ex? why cant u just think about this. There is one thing we guys always do, if we know that we cant marry a lady the way we mak sex with her will be different frm the way we make sex with our wife.

    so i think u really nid to tik about ur home, how to have children not ur ex

    • How do you "make sex" differently? sex is a very huge part of marriage. Believe it or not it does destroy homes.

  25. You just punk`d yourself sadly…you should have never married a man you genuinely didn`t love. Either get the guts to divorce him or accept your lot.

  26. Marriage is a big deal.Yes a deal. Once you sign to it, it’s deal. Darling, I would advice you to make the most of your marriage. Love your husband. Learn to love him. Yeah, yoy might have made a mistake, but two wronga never get you right. God bless

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