So… What are we? Dating or just friends?


Ever since my arrival in Yankee, I realized that the protocol for dating a man in this country is just too much. I am so used to the naija way of love, you like me, I like you, that’s it, we are together. But no, yankee people do things a little different. It will be ok with me except that our naija guys have joined the madness. Please to all the ladies does this sound really familiar?

First your talking: This is when you guys exchange numbers, you go out on numerous dates, spend ridiculous amounts of time on the phone, text messaging, instant message, yahoo chat, facebook messages etc. At this stage you are both doing your background check on each other. Don’t be fooled though, the woman usually has about 3 to 4 toasters lined up, however the guy could end up being lucky and become number one choice. This phase could last anywhere from 1 to 3 months. God help your life if you fall in love at this stage because unfortunately for you he still refers to you as his home girl. You can’t get mad if he goes to the club, meets other women, etc, because you are just FRIENDS so no big deal. Some girls leave the relationship at this phase if they find out the guy does not have the qualities they are looking for and they move on to the next bobo. But for some women they feel this is what they want and the bobo is acting right so they move on to the dating phase.

Dating Phase: Now this phase is very tricky for a lot of people. For most people they get to really know the individual. However, sometimes the girl doesn’t know if she can call him her boyfriend because the last time he introduced her to someone he called her, his “FRIEND” (can you imagine?). Anyways no hard feelings because she knows they will eventually be together right? (Sure) . This phase can last anywere from 3 months to a year depending on the situation. A lot of things happen in this phase and most guys define it as “ you guys are together but not together.” However for the woman it’s a little disturbing, I mean she kpanshes the guy as needed, cooks for him, takes care of his needs, etc… what else does he want? And then he still calls her a “FRIEND”. When most guys are confronted in this stage they either take their bags and run because all of a sudden they realize they are scared of commitment or they give their typical excuse: “I am just not ready for a relationship.” This leaves most women devastated. They wasted their whole time, their kpanshing tactics, their cooking skills, only for him to realize 6 months later that he is not ready for commitment. However this phase can work for most people and they proceed to the next phase. The big RELATIONSHIP.

Relationship Phase: This phase has its ups and downs. For a lot of people the niceness, dinner every night, text message every five minutes, love notes and poems, all elements of romance just disappears like FILM TRICK…lol. However a lot of people decide if this is someone they want to be with for the rest of their lives and take it up a notch and walking down the aisle. At this point he introduces her as his better half, his girlfiriend, his woman, iyawo mi, lolo….etc and vice versa. They plan their lives together; How many children? and such. She begins to find out his FICO score and so on…lol. As for me I love this phase so do a lot of Naija women over the age of 22.

This piece is not to intended to display the desperateness of naija women or anything like that, however speaking for many naija women over the age of 22 that I know, we don’t have time to be going through the yankee phases of relationship. We are actually ready to come home to a loving man, ready to retire reunion events, and definitely ready to put all our mothering skills to work. At the end of the day, with the diversity of men in this country most naija girls just want a good naija man 🙂


  1. definition of dating is different.. there is dating for going on dates and dating for official in yankee you have to ask the guy which one you are doing before everything does you like film trick and you back to solo dolo runss after the kpanshing and cooking skills

  2. Sweet poraro…my point exactly why do we have to ask. What happend to the days when men knew a womans worth !!!

  3. true talk o… these men out here want to have their cake and eat it..rubbish… ibegee so fella when u come across a naija chick over 22..actually 25 no talk say lets see were this is goin..either you're in or fnd ur square root!!!!!

  4. I can understand that the different relationship phases can be confusing but at the same time, some girls can't expect guys to just know the moment he meets the babe that he wants to marry her. I mean there has to be a stage of getting to know each other and then deciding if you can spend the next year (or the rest of ur life) with this person…. It takes a while to really know someone and a couple of months wont cut it.

  5. Back in the day I am sure it was a lot easier and less complex to date than it is these days. The reason it is so complicated is that women have practically giving it away for free. As my boy Dave Chappelle would say if ***** was a stock it would be plummeting. Guys are not dating to ynash (Never mind some guys are not dating to ynash) but if I try you while we are "dating" and you give it why not collect. What are the benefits me of being in a relationship. I mean I can be "dating" different girls are collecting without committing. If women decided they would only give it up if they are were in a committed relationship things would more defined. But until then we just "friends" …

  6. Nice write up.

    @ truth I know some females that didnt give it up until they got commitment from the guy. the guy sure gave her the commitment she asked for, but after getting into her pants a couple of times, he started acting different so their committed relationship short lived.

    • Well the issue then is the girl used the cookies as a way to entice the guy to enter into a relationship. Ladies NEVER EVER let the guy know as soon as we are boyfriend and girlfriend we can do it. If you do then your setting yourself up for failure. What if your not experience in bed and you bore him in bed. What if he was just bored and wanted to do something for a while. All I am saying is that we should evaluate the situation and make sure the guy is on same tip your in. If that is not the case then what happens is that he comes like a onye oshi … Smash and go.

  7. lol …this happens in London too. Though I have only experieinced this once ..due to staying away from guys as much as possible ..this is what actually puts me off!!

    Yes and it's true most Nigerian guys don't do this but the first person who did this to me was a Nigerian ..i wa sshocked because I always knew Nigerian guys not to do things like that ..well such is life right ?

    anyways nnice read ..I laughed alll through

  8. Any woman that goes through the "dating" phase YOU outlined above iis just stupid … having sex and cooking for a man before a coommitment/ marriage is stupid and our mothers taught us better!

    • neva bn in a situation like dt b4. Evryth pointed out r TRUE though. ladies pls b4 u start d hsekpn stuff, make certain of ur place in his life. acting on assumption dt he shld feel d same way like u read above can b devastating.

      anyways, like the article. good work.

  9. Oh my goodness….this is one of the funniest articles I have read….forgive me for my lateness. But "just talking & dating" phase got me rolling. Thank God I have being fortunate enough to know when all my good input are going to waste becos its really frustrating especially when u think u and Bobo are on the same level. So I just nip it in the bud instantly, u have got to be that way, if not your feelings will get hurt. lmao @ "knashing tactics" To me sha, I consider talking stage as "casually dating"…then the next stage as "exclusively dating" IMO.

    5 Stars to the writer.

  10. very true ooo! but I have never been in dat situation because i'm not a fan of long tins… mehn d naija method is da way forward ooo lol!

  11. some men are just heartless. guys,if a woman cooks, cleans, takes care of you in every way (if u know what i mean), you should know that she takes you as something more than just a male friend. if you know you don't want her, why don't you just let her know straight up. you sit there, enjoying and playing along with her like everything is ok, only for her to find out later that "she is just a regular female friend to you". to be honest, if i don't like a guy and he tries to dedicate his time for me, take me to nice places, spend money on me, show me that he cares and i feel like he is very serious with me, i will not accept any gift from him and i'll let him know upfront in a polite language that i'm not feeling him. i know it will hurt him but not as much as it would after he had put so much time and effort trying to make me happy. men, i think we ladies would appeciate it more if u come clean and stop trying to play silly games.

  12. anyway like nkiru said, ladies u should know ur place in his life first before u start dishing out ur goodies to him. i have been there and it is a very devastating feeling but i learnt the hard way. this is a pretty good article cos the dating stage is where i used to see as the main one. however, i never got confused on whether i should call him my bf or not. i called him my bf , as long as he was playing along like he's on the same level with me (how was i supposed to know). i never had the guy introduce me as a friend. i would have started asking questions. infact, we both had pet names for each other and that was what he introduced me to people with only to find out that he is a bulshitter. so ladies please open your eyes.

    • OMG! Right on. It happened to me O! 11 months later "Ehm, I am not ready for a relationship. Can we be "friends"" HECK NO!!! You want to be "friends" so you can still dey yansh me on the side plus Bisi, Kemi and Chichi and I can't ask questions… Please move on and don't be a groupie!

  13. tru to the soul of it. y waste tym,b straight from the begining. can look lyk u r jumpn but better late than never………..good luck with the asking?

  14. Hi! I don’t know a thing about naija culture, but I’m also going through a scenario that is somewhat ambiguous & taking months… I totally relate to these phases!…I’m just a white artistic chick living on the East Coast. I fear I may have fallen in love with this guy BEFORE the “dating phase” has even reached completion or been confirmed!! uh-oh… His friends say we’re “together,” but I have no idea. Thanks for laying this out. It’s so true. I think it applies to a lot of women (although I don’t understand all the terminology). 🙂